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| Willy Wanker and the Gin & Tonic Factory |
| 02.27.04 (11:43 pm) [edit] |
This post is Rated R for suggestive sexual content. Readers' discretion is advised.
Kip was a very special little boy with a small dream and a huge talent. Kip grew up like most kids, with each parent working two jobs but still unable to save, going to an overcrowded school with obesity-inducing junk food served in the cafeteria. He was subjected to demoralizing standardized tests and managed to graduate from high school despite only being able to read at a 4th grade level. Like some kids, Kip slipped through the cracks, finding himself unsuitable for higher education with no recognizable job skills.
Despite Kip's determination to make it on his own, he still needed a little luck. One day, Kip and his younger brother Kevin went to McDonalds. While there Kip played the McDonald's Monopoly Game and won $300. It was just the break Kip needed! With the money Kip bought some dodgy second-hand camera equipment with the intention that he and Kevin would make an extremely good low-budget film to get the attention of the film studios. All Kip needed were actors. Kip scoured the neighborhood for talent but no one wanted to act in his film for free.
Then he bumped into Luce Scurt, a former highschool classmate who had been captain of the cheerleading squad. Luce could not act her way out of a paper bag but she was the only girl within a four mile radius of Kip's home who would go on camera for free. Kip had hoped to make a film about a girl wishing to become a nun. The title was to be "The Habit". Kevin had already agreed to play Mother Superior. Unfortunately, no one in their right mind would buy Luce as a nun, especially the way she would flirt with the camera and touch herself. That's when Kip had his big idea!
Legend has it that Kip got so excited watching Luce put on her habit that he decided to become a porn star, immediately, shoving Kevin out of the frame and jumping on an unsuspecting (but totally game) Luce. Later, they renamed the 5 minute film "Tossing the Habit". The film was uploaded on the internet and recieved millions of hits in a matter of months. Everyone wanted to see the 5 minute king of the porn world. Kip was a star!
Encouraged by the response from his first film, Kip went on to make internet porn history by writing, producing and starring in three hundred 5 minute films. Kip had a huge talent but he could not sustain it. Viewers wanted longer films but neither Kip nor Kevin could rise to the challenge. Soon the hits for The Gin & Tonic Factory, as their website was named, dried up. Advertisers removed their banners. The dream was over. Kip's last appearance on film was in a film spoof of the porn industry in which he performed for 2 minutes. He had hit rock bottom.
Moral of the story: Use but do not abuse your talent!
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10 Comments
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| Domestic Diva |
| 02.27.04 (3:34 pm) [edit] |
Hi Everyone! If you're like me, you're no Martha Stuart/Julia Child and household chores are something you do when you absolutely have to do them (e.g. doing 10 loads of laundry after you have run out of clean clothes, or allowing both sides of your double sink to fill up with dirty dishes before loading the dishwasher). However, there are some things that I find just plain fun which you might consider weird.
Couple weeks ago I forked over a brickload for a new kick-ass vacuum cleaner. IT SUCKS, in a good way. Now I find myself looking for excuses to wip it out of the closet and vacuum my tiny apartment. The other day I deliberately spilled cake crumbs on the carpet just so I could wip it out. After vacuuming that spot of the carpet, I figured since it had been six hours since I had last vacummed the rest of the apartment, I'd do it again. I even vacuumed Ribbit, my teddy, for the third time in a week.
Is it a sin to be in love with a household appliance? What's your favorite household appliance? Note: TV, DVD player, PC or cable modem do not count. Just like Norah Jones, my vacuum is waiting in a dark room for it's lover to come home and turn it on....
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8 Comments
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| We Truly Are Steerage |
| 02.27.04 (10:55 am) [edit] |
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The National Transportation and Safety Board is now recommending that airlines weigh passengers as well as their luggage. In an era of full-body scans and cavity searches, I guess I should pick my battles, eh. What say you?
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9 Comments
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| TV MILESTONE |
| 02.26.04 (3:42 pm) [edit] |
Today marks the 20th Anniversary of a breakthrough moment in TV History. The birth of the INFORMERCIAL.
Any insomniac will know what I am talking about when I say that the infomercial changed my life and NEVER for the better. Now that I am sleeping better I don't have time to watch infomercials and my wallet has forgiven me for my past purchases.
Products I have bought from infomercials:
1. Space Bags (3 out of 5 stars)
2. Revo-Styler (3 out of 5 stars)
3. Pro-Active Solutions for Acne (2.5 out of 5 stars)
4. Metabolife (1 out of 5 stars)
5. The George Foreman Grill (3 out of 5 stars)
6. Windsor Pilates (3 out of 5)
Have you bought anything "As Seen On TV" lately?
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5 Comments
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| Quote of the Day |
| 02.26.04 (1:10 pm) [edit] |
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"That should be the 2nd line of your autobiography: "No matter how bad I am, someone else still sucks more"" -- AE
When I asked her what should be the first line of my autobiography, she replied "No idea." Hmmmm. What do you think the name of my autobiography should be?
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6 Comments
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| My Lawsuit Settlement |
| 02.25.04 (3:43 pm) [edit] |
I've been told that I can only buy a CD at Walmart with this kind of money. Oh well, it was better than nothing.
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6 Comments
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| 51 Questions - Part II |
| 02.25.04 (11:52 am) [edit] |
This is the bottom 26 of 51 questions. To see the first 25 see yesterday's entries.
26. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone?
Yes, when I was a kid I threw an encyclopedia volume at my brother and it just grazed him on the back of the head. He never lets me forget it. Then there was the time I put a diaper on our cat, Felicity, cutting out a hole for her tail. She never forgave me. She said, "No more lap-dances, you cruel bitch!"
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Um...I don't even know what that is, so I'm gonna say no.
28. Do you feel understood most of the time?
No, it is my intention never to be fully understood. Better to be misunderstood than wrong.
29. Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach?
Sore throat. You can always refuse to talk and keep your mouth shut. Very difficult to keep things from coming out the other end and I find noisy gastro-intestinal sounds embarrassing.
30. What are your nickname (s)?
Nat, Natsy-pie, Natsy-pole, Nat-bat, Nats, Little B, Baby B, Supergirl (Dad), Tricky-Tricky, CFF, DangerKitty, Stupid Cow (Me).
31. Could you be a vegetarian?
No, I love Irish Beef.
32. Would you ever bungee jump?
No, I don't like being strung along.
33. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
No, and I don't care that I have to undo them to put the shoes back on. I have a lot of shoes, they can wait.
34. What are you worried about right now?
My dissertation. If I will ever see Rick Warden naked. If my soulmate is thinking about me too. If Catherine Zeta Jones can find Michael Douglas attractive, why am I not married to Jack Davenport?
35. Do you ever wear overalls?
I have in the past but I've been told by Trini and Susannah that they are hideous and make my ass look double-wide.
36. Your favorite Popsicle flavor?
Orange. Just look at my blog!!
37. Who do you think won't respond at all?
Um...I don't really care. Honestly, I thought this was just about me.
38. What kind of pets do you have?
Back home I have a dog named Murphy who's recovering from breast cancer.
39. Do you have a driver's license?
Yeah, finally. I can't believe the test was that easy. 4 Right turns and park.
40. Last person who called you?
My Mom.
41. Last person who saw you cry?
My Mom.
42. Last person you had a drink with?
My grad school buddies at Shagman's birthday party. I got pissed.
43. Last person you went to the movies with?
The Fast One
44. Last person you went to the mall with?
The Fast One
45. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Everyday there's a new victim. Today it's Jon, tomorrow it could be the grocery bagger at the supermarket.
46. What's in your wallet?
Mo Money! Mo Money! Mo Money!! Hehehe. Well, a little bit and my ID and of course that thing you're not supposed to leave home without.
47. What's on the walls of your room?
A giant Band of Brothers poster, next to a giant Steve McQueen/Great Escape poster, then autographed photos of Rick Warden, then a framed cross-stitch A-M made for me of Colin Farrell, then a cork-board with post-its and important phone numbers.
48. Is your bed single, twin, double, queen, king?
Double. I toss and turn so I need room to manouevre.
49. What is in your bedroom?
My bed, my PC, my chest of drawers, see #47.
50. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
My Mom called and told me that her cast came off (she broke her hand in a car accident a few weeks back) and that she was able to drive her new car for the first time. I ate Dulce de Leche ice cream all weekend and nothing else.
51. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
What the f--k? Crayon color....Jeebus. Orange. Ya happy now, you crayola freak?
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11 Comments
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| Media Junkie |
| 02.24.04 (2:41 pm) [edit] |
DVD Reviews:
El Mariachi/Desperado - After watching El Mariachi I can now understand the critics of Desperado. The bigger budget on Desperado did not make it leaps and bounds better than Mariachi which was made with less than $10,000. However, seeing both films together gives you a greater appreciation for Robert Rodriguez's talent as a director. Antonio Banderas is smouldering and I defy any woman to not find him edible. I found myself literally wiping sweat off my brow as I watched him swagger across the screen. On the DVD there are additional scenes that help to tie the films together. I decided to rewatch these films to prepare myself for Once Upon A Time in Mexico which was released recently on DVD and has been difficult to get on Netflix (bastards!!).
American Splendor - Who wants to watch a fat, balding, squat, miserable bastard whine and complain about his sorry lot in life? I do, because just like Harry Pekar says many times in the film, misery loves company. The film tells the story of an average guy turned cult-comic hero as he meets his better half Joyce (Hope Davis), gains moderate fame, battles prostate cancer and finds happiness despite his inability to admit to being remotely happy about anything. The comic book feel of the film and the back and forth between the real Harvey Pekar and the actor portraying him, Paul Giamatti is seamless and gives the film a documentary feel. Hope Davis puts in a fantastic performance as Pekar's slightly depressed hypochondriac wife. Definitely worth a look.
What I'm listening to right now?
Nightswimming from the Automatic for the People CD by R.E.M.
What I'm reading right now?
My blog of course. I'm checking for spelling and grammatical errorrrrrs. Whoopsie! When I get home I plan to finish reading Stephen King's Everything's Eventual.
Last website I visited:
Well, the last two:
- One-way mirrored public toilet in London. Scroll down for interior view.
- Ralph Don't Run.
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7 Comments
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| 51 Questions Part 1 |
| 02.24.04 (11:39 am) [edit] |
Here are the first 25 of the 51. I will post the rest tomorrow so your head doesn't explode from too much useless information.
1. What's your full name?
Like my friend told her husband..."Not tonight."
2. Were you named after anyone?
I was named after a prostitute in a Russian film
3. Do you wish on stars?
Yes, occasionally I wish on Colin "F--king" Farrell.
4. Which finger is your favorite?
My pinky. I like sticking it on the side of my lip and saying, "One mimimimillion dollars."
5. When did you last cry?
If it's morning now, last night. If it's night now, probably five minutes ago. I cry at the slightest hint of emotion but I'm not depressed. I just feel too much. My cup runneth over because like my bladder it's too small.
6. Who do you admire?
My Mom. She worked two jobs and still helped us with our homework and put us to bed at night, then she went back to school to get her Masters when we were grown and started her own business. She was completely devoted to my Dad to the very end. She's seen many tragic things but she's never bitter. She still takes pleasure in the smallest of things. Her heart knows no bounds.
7. What is the #1 priority in your life?
It's a tie: Zit control (sad but true) and Family.
8. Your favorite lunch meal?
Breaded Catfish and Wild Rice with Asparagus in hollandaise sauce and a desert of nekkid Rick Warden dripping in dark chocolate (a.k.a. Nat).
9. Any bad habits?
Television, internet, Dulce de Leche ice cream, getting up late, online bidding, naked Rick Warden jokes, chocolate,....
10. What store would you never be caught dead in?
Sorry, drawing a blank here.
11. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Yes, I'd make me look good by comparison. I'd be my own D.U.F.F - designated ugly fat friend.
12. Are you a daredevil?
No. Somedays I don't even get out of bed for fear I may trip over something and die. I don't like taking risks.
13. Do looks matter?
Hell yes! To me, I like a good sense of humor before a nice pert ass, but I'm not blind. Mind you, the looks that matter to me may not be in line with the rest of world's view of beauty. I like soft bellies as much as rock-hard abs. I don't like overly muscular men or metrosexual men who spend more money on skin and hair products than I do.
14. What's your favorite piece of clothing?
My red mary-janes. They make me so very happy. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.
15. When was the last time you punched someone?
Christmas Day. My family and I were playing pictionary and I punched my brother when he mistakingly called my drawing of Frosty the Snow Man a Snow Dildo.
16. Are you trendy?
Not really. I tend to stick with the classics because they are timeless.
17. What do you do to prevent anger?
Um...actually I spur it on. I indulge it, allow it to grow and fester until I explode in total unadulterated RAGE!!! DIE TOM CRUISE!! DIE, YOU TALENTLESS PIECE OF ASS-LINT!!! Actually, I do breathing exercises and yoga.
18. Are you passive or aggressive?
Passive-aggressive. I try to avoid conflict at all costs. I will literally bend over and have someone screw me up the ass with a flashlight, figuratively speaking, before contradicting them. I also like to make people squirm, especially my brother.
19. Who is your idol?
Jesus Christ, the carpenter.
20. Who is your second family?
My graduate school buddies: Shagman, Mr. Picky, Giantsfan, Stretch, The Aussie, The Fast One, Caity-Bug. Love you guys!
21. Do you trust others easily?
Yes, unfortunately. "Born Sucker" shall be my epitaph.
22. What did you play with as a child?
No Barbie, no GI Joe, no Transformers, no Cabbage-Patch kids. No conventional toys for me. I played with empty perfume bottles, used pens, card board boxes and bubble rap. Bubble rap was my favorite. I once made stick figures out of paper clips and created my own football (soccer) team and we beat (West) Germany in the World Cup on my bed.
23. What class(es) during high school do you think was/were a waste of time?
Reading and Development - 20 kids sitting in a circle and whining about how their lives suck and the teacher telling them that they can do whatever they want and to follow their dreams but never giving them any insight as to how to proceed. Oh and kids, don't forget "Don't be a fool. Stay in School. Drugs aren't cool."
24. Do you like sappy love songs?
Yes, "Born Sucker, Born Sap" shall be my epitaph.
25. Have you ever been on radio or television?
I was on television once for like 0.5 seconds when Bruce Willis handed me a t-shirt at the opening of Planet Hollywoord in Houston. Then there was that Rocket's game where we got seats behind the visitors (Lakers) bench. Btw, Shaq has a big-ass head.
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8 Comments
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| Monday is now Foot in Mouth Day |
| 02.23.04 (2:50 pm) [edit] |
So I accidentally gave away the ending to Sex and The City to Giantsfan today. He's so angry right now he's not speaking to me. :(
First off, what's he doing getting engrossed in that show? Secondly, I didn't know he was planning to watch it later this year on DVD. Did he really expect to get through a whole year without someone (like me - unaware of his attachment to the shoe) giving away the ending?
Anyway, I've apologozed 3 times and he's still giving me the silent treatment. It's not like I gave away the ending to 24 or something!!
Woe is me.
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2 Comments
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| Dog Sitter Needed For St. Paddy's |
| 02.23.04 (10:58 am) [edit] |
AE is looking for a person who loves animals and has a good rapport with small dogs especially. AE's pooch, Perrot, named for his uncanny resemblance to a former Presidential candidate, is a low-maintenance chihuahua with a small $4000 a week heroin habit. AE feels that it is only fair to tell you that Perrot may become slightly violent during periods of withdrawal so it is recommended that, should you accept this dog-sitting assignment, you should have prior experience cooking and shooting up. The job pays $20 an hour.
Perrot usually lets you know when he needs some gear
Photo sent by AE
Super Pup: AE's Real Puppy
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9 Comments
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| Quote of the Day |
| 02.23.04 (10:44 am) [edit] |
"Many sharks have to keep moving to keep the water flowing over their gills. Be like a shark, keep moving."
-- De Supervisor
This was said to me in response to my growing frustration at the amount of algebraic errors I've been making while solving my model.
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4 Comments
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| Tax Form 925 Exemption for Ugly Women Without Children |
| 02.20.04 (1:24 pm) [edit] |
Exemption UWWC was approved in article XXV of the Fair Offspring Act of 2003 in an attempt to reduce the amount of violence in the nation's schools. It was felt that ugly children and the taunting of ugly children was the main cause of violence in schools. It was also felt that ugly women were the leading contributors to the ugly children population. No studies were performed to actually verify the connection between physical appearance and violence in schools, or to consistently identify any particular woman as ugly or not ugly, but when did our government ever need sound evidence to approve anything?
The exemption provides ugly women with financial compensation for not adding to the gene pool through a tax credit. Once a woman (18 years or older) has verified her status as an ugly woman (Form 1042-FUGLY) she may take up to a $9000 tax credit on her annual tax return. The size of the credit depends on the size of the threat the woman presents to the nations gene pool. Form 1042-FUGLY can be acquired by appearing on ABC's "Am I Hot?" where washed-up actor Lorenzo Lamas will use his insipid laser pointer to identify areas of ugliness.
:evil: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :evil:
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14 Comments
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| All men need a little encouragement |
| 02.19.04 (2:36 pm) [edit] |
:evil: :evil: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :twisted:
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7 Comments
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| I just called to say I love you |
| 02.19.04 (11:36 am) [edit] |
Yeah, sorry I forgot to do that on Valentine's Day. Oh, and I'm sorry I forgot to send you a card or flowers or anything. By the way, your card was lovely and your gift even lovelier. I was showing it off to this girl I tried to hook up with on Saturday night when I should have been calling you. You should have seen her. Her tits are nicer than yours. Anyway, I know it's bad form me telling you all this now. My buddies told me I should have just pretended like Valentine's Day didn't happen or that I don't believe in it or something so you wouldn't be pissed off with me and inclined to burn my photos and dump my ass into the forgotten. But you know me, I had to be honest and tell you that I really do love you. I just have a really rotten way of showing it. Plus, I never said I loved you only. I've got this big heart with room in it for all the girls, you know. Still you'll forgive me because I was honest, right? You're the best!!
The above is the jist of the conversation I had this morning when this jerk called me at 5:30 am just before he headed off to work. He wanted to make sure that "we were ok". Hell no!
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9 Comments
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| 10 Things I Hate About Dating |
| 02.18.04 (1:40 pm) [edit] |
Back over in my m-blog days I wrote this blog about dating. I gave overly cynical and craptastic advice. Thought I'd post the link here.
My personal favorite is "When things get too kinky".
If you're clever you'll realize that I can't count and there are only 9 things posted. Occasionally I run out of steam.
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0 Comments
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| 24 - Life Line |
| 02.18.04 (11:11 am) [edit] |
Hands up for those of you who watched 24 lastnight!
Spoilers
How many of you were happy that the Bitch finally bought it? Man, I thought 24 would never pick up steam this season. It seemed to have gone into a tailspin after the jail break episode. Every week they just seemed to be adding unnecessary plot twists. I just couldn't take it anymore. Still, I maintain my opinion that Kim needs to die or at least become bloody useful. I swear the peroxide is seeping deeper and deeper into her brain. Then finally when I thought the series had flatlined, the last two episodes have been somewhat good. I don't know if you agree with me or not. I know there are 24 addicts like myself out there. I'd like to hear from you.
Oh and Craig....Hey Ya!!
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3 Comments
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| Wake Up Sleeping Beauty |
| 02.17.04 (1:38 pm) [edit] |
That's the name of this novel I'm trying to write in my spare time. I'd tell you the plot but I'm shy. Yeah, right! I'm just not ready, okay. I decided to write this novel after waking up soaking in my own sweat and shivering after a horrible nightmare a few weeks ago. My memory of the dream is kind of sketchy but the main thing was the ending and the choice I made. I remember being an agent for something (God, the CIA, the Royal Gumby Society,...who knows) and because of something I had done, the powers-that-be decided to go after my family. I remember these men without faces in dark hooded clothing holding someone dear to me hostage and telling me that I had to do what they wanted.
For the first time that I can recall in a dream I was not indecisive. I reached into my coat and pulled out a gun and without hesitating shot my loved one in the head. Then I heard myself say, "Nothing on this earth will prevent me from doing my duty." That's when I woke up. It scared me that there could be something out there, some cause, some person, some way of life that I could believe in so much and love so much that I would sacrifice the people dearest to me in it's name. I hope I never have that dream again. I hope I never face that choice.
The whole premise of my novel is that these dreams are all sequences of memories of the former life of the main character (Sleeping Beauty). So nowadays, everytime I dream about something I write it down, thinking I might use it in the novel. I'm even planning to include that dream about Bushybrow and the attack of the 50 foot girlfriend with hairy armpits in it. May be I'll tell you about that one day.
Was this post helful to you? 6 out of 20 Gynaecologists said "yes".
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9 Comments
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| Hoodoo Voodoo...Kissle me now!! |
| 02.16.04 (6:40 pm) [edit] |
Speaking of songs that get stuck in your head. I've got the Wilco/Billy Bragg "Hoodoo Voodoo" from the Mermaid Avenue album stuck in my head. Tell me if you can read these lyrics aloud without having them stuck in your head and haunting your dreams.
HOODOO VOODOO
Hoodoo voodoo, seven twenty one two
Haystacka, hostacka, A B C
High poker, low joker, nintey nine a zero
Sidewalk, streetcar, dance a goofy dance
Blackbirdy, blue jay; one two three four,
Trash sack, jump back E F G,
Biggy hat, little hat, fattyman, skinnyman,
Grasshipper, greensnake, hold my hand
Hoodoo voodoo, chooka chooky choochoo,
True blue, how true, kissle me now
Momma cat, Tommy cat, diaper on my clothes line
Two four six eight, I run and hide
Pretty girl, pretty boy, pony on a tincan,
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
Jinga jangler, tingalingle, picture on a bricky wall
Hot and scamper, foamy lather, huggle me close
Hot breeze, old cheese, slicky slacky fishy tails
Brush my hair and kissle me some more
Even more difficult to get out of your head is "Christ for President" but I'll spare you from that one.
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2 Comments
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| An in depth interview with the alter ego |
| 02.16.04 (1:26 pm) [edit] |
Last night I was watching an episode of series II of the Forsyte Saga on PBS. On the death of a beloved character (a cad but a lovable cad) I began to cry and surprised myself when I heard a moan coming from deep inside me. Why was I crying over the death of a fictional character? Soldiers die in Iraq on a daily basis and do I shed a tear. Yes, actually, especially when I hear Peter Jennings (sigh) talk about them on World News Tonight, but that is not quite my point. I found myself in this really animated conversation with myself about being such a bleedin' sap at the slightest hint of emotion. A few weeks or so ago I was watching this Hallmark movie which was constantly being interrupted by commercials for Hallmark cards. Would you believe that this distinguished member of the Royal Gumby Society sat there crying after every card commercial? Yes, I did. There are two questions to ask. No...wait... three. One - what on God's good earth was I doing watching a freakin' Hallmark movie? Two - why the f--k didn't I change the channel during commercials? Finally, three - was it PMS? My alter ego argued ferociously. She said I was depressed about something and that it was just under the surface and soon all would be clear. I told her to put a sock in it and stop being as cryptic as Miss Cleo. Bitch! Gives West Indian people a bad rap. I hate it when I argue with her. She never argues fairly - always brings up crap from the past like the time I broke my brother's fingers. What does that have to do with hormonal imbalances? Really?!! Eventually things settled down. We agreed that I had issues. Wait - shouldn't it be "we have issues". No, you...I mean I...you know what you're saying. You!
Alter Ego: And another thing, do you think you could comfort eat more?
Nat: More? Seriously? I thought you didn't like it when I did that.
Alter Ego: Stupid cow! I was being sarcastic.
Nat: Ugh! Not again. I get irony but sarcasm is my foil. I tend to take people too literally.
Alter Ego: Easy, easy! Belittling you is my job.
Nat: Oh, sorry.
Alter Ego: Stupid cow!
Nat: Gotcha.
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2 Comments
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| Happy February 14th!! |
| 02.14.04 (5:24 pm) [edit] |
Happy Saturday!! Happy Overly-Commercialized Holiday That Takes the Fun and Spontaneity Out of Romance Day!! Happy Make Single People Feel Like There's Something Wrong With Them Day!! :oops:
Oh and....
This year's cupid is Rick Warden. Check out his fan site. :shock:
Bitter? Bitter, party of one? :lol: :oops:
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8 Comments
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| Question |
| 02.14.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
- Do you think that if I showed up at the courthouse with a copy of John Grisham's Runaway Jury that I might get out of jury duty?
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5 Comments
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| Hell Freezes Over! |
| 02.14.04 (2:49 am) [edit] |
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I saw real actual snow tonight. Not sleet, not some wintery mix - actual snow and some accumulation. None of my friends seem to understand, except for the Fast One, what the big deal is. I grew up on a tropical island and I've always wondered what snow was like and now here it is and I'm so excited! It's so beautiful. I feel sorry for people who can't find excitement in simple things.
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2 Comments
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| Rising Star |
| 02.13.04 (6:02 pm) [edit] |
Who is Damian Lewis? Those of us in the know see him as a handsome, talented, up and coming British actor.
What can/have I seen him in? Band of Brothers, The Forsyte Saga, Dreamcatcher. He is currently the lead in Martin Scorcese's Brides and co-stars with Jennifer Lopez and Robert Redford in An Unfinished Life. Both due out later this year. He can currently be seen in Series II of The Forsyte Saga on PBS.
What's the big deal? Did I mention that he's British? He's 6'1"-6'3". He's ginger, so that means that Joolie is totally in love with him.
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6 Comments
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| Billy Bob Thornton Interview |
| 02.13.04 (11:51 am) [edit] |
It was cold and wet in hell. It hadn't snowed in Central Texas in ages. I bundled up and headed out to get some lunch at this popular lunch counter near my building. On the way I slipped on some ice and fell forward into this skinny man walking in front of me. He screamed about 70 expletives in rapid succession as we both fell over on the pavement. We both got up and dusted ourselves off. That's when I noticed that this scrawny, miserable, crochetty, prematurely-greying, champion of verbal profanity was in fact Billy Bob Thorton. To my shock and horror there was blood on the front of his shirt. He muttered something about some bitch making him wear a vile of her blood around his neck and now that it was broken he was free. He said he owed me for breaking the spell he had been under. I said if he bought me lunch and answered a few questions we would be even. I soon discovered that Billy Bob likes to talk with his food in his mouth and it's not a pretty site. It's even harder to understand what he's saying. In fact, he might as well have been speaking Latin. Here's the jist of our conversation and what I think he was trying to say in Latin.
Nat: What was it like being married to Angelina Jolie?
Billy-Bob: Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Translation: Take my wife, please!
Nat: Seriously, can you give me any details?
Billy-Bob: Nihil declaro
Translation: I have nothing to declare
Nat: Hey, that's not what you said when you promised to have lunch and answer my questions. What gives?
Billy-Bob: Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Translation: Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
(Mr. Thornton decides to do both)
Nat: Hey, Billy-Bob? Could you please try to focus here? I asked you a question.
Billy-Bob: Monstra mihi pecuniam!
Translation: Show me the money!
Nat: What money? Look, you said you owed me. Are we going to do this or not?
Billy-Bob: Labera lege... (LOUD BELCH)...Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Translation: Read my lips...(LOUD BELCH)...I think I’ll have another drink.
(Mr. Thornton snaps his fingers at the waitress and orders another gigantic glass of Mr. Pibb)
Nat: What about your adopted son, Maddux? Do you spend anytime with him? What would you say if you saw him now?
Billy-Bob: Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
Translation: In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
(Mr. Thornton gulps down the last of his drink and stuffs the last six inches of his toasted sub like a Conehead)
Nat: Jeebus! Where does it all go?
Billy-Bob: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(Mr. Thornton pulled away from the table and motioned to leave)
Nat: What the f__k? Hey, where are you going? We're not done!
Billy-Bob: Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita
Translation: Life is too short to dance with ugly women
Nat: You bastard!!
Billy-Bob: Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo.
Translation: Don't call me, I'll call you.
With that, he was gone. I never wanted to see that bastard again, well unless on screen. Bad Santa was the shizzle!
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5 Comments
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| Skewed Priorities |
| 02.12.04 (12:30 pm) [edit] |
If a Disney employee is killed during a parade and no visitors saw it, does it matter?
LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. (AP) - A costumed Disney World employee was run over and killed by a float during a Wednesday afternoon parade at the Magic Kingdom.
The death occurred in a backstage area near the Splash Mountain ride, said Jim Solomons, a spokesman for the Orange County Sheriff's Office.
Disney spokeswoman Rena Langley said the worker was about to enter the park when he was hit, and she wasn't sure if any visitors witnessed what happened.
Sheriff's spokesman Carlos Torres said the investigation showed the death was accidental. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration also was investigating.
In 1999, a worker in the loading area of the Skyway ride fell to his death, and OSHA fined the park $4,500 for what it called a serious safety violation. The ride was closed later that year.
How hard can it be to identify a prostitute? Apparently in Germany it's difficult to separate a whore from the average slutty girl.
Feb. 11, 2004 (AFP) — German authorities are having trouble enforcing a new sex tax in the western city of Cologne because they often can't tell who is subject to it, a government spokeswoman said Tuesday.
The levy introduced Jan. 1 does not affect everyone who indulges, only employees of brothels and sex shows.
"But we are having trouble proving who is a prostitute," the spokeswoman said.
The monthly tax of 150 euros ($190) per sex worker was aimed at bringing 700,000 euros to the city's empty coffers. But the spokeswoman said the city may have to go back to the drawing board.
"We are struggling with the normal problem that we aren't really welcome there," she said of the city's red-light district. "They don't exactly throw open the door for us."
Brothels are legal in Germany and theoretically subject to the normal tax and employment laws.
Which is sadder - drinking beer at Chuck E Cheese or having the time to go to the alcohol board to complain about it?
MUNCIE - When Bill Tuite heard that the new Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant in Muncie would serve beer and wine, he protested to the Delaware County Alcohol and Tobacco Commission.
Tuite believed that the restaurant and game emporium marketed toward children - which opened in late December - shouldn't serve alcohol.
"Children can eat pizza and play games in a so-called family setting," the Alexandria resident said in an e-mail to The Star Press. "Now this establishment wants to serve beer and wine to adults. That changes the perspective on 'family.' "
Tuite was unable to persuade the local alcohol board, however, and the board approved the restaurant's beer and wine permit in a Thursday meeting.
"There was one gentleman that showed up to voice his opposition," said Sam Carson, a state excise police officer who serves on the local alcohol board. "I noted one of the criteria in approving or denying a permit is if the community desires or does not desire a permit location. He was the only individual present."
Carson told The Star Press that in 13 Central Indiana counties, Chuck E. Cheese's restaurants had prompted no complaints to state alcohol authorities.
The Irving, Texas-based restaurant chain has 470 outlets in 48 states but generates few complaints about beer and wine sales, said John Rice, vice president of marketing.
"Beer and wine is not a major component of our menu," Rice said. "We only serve by the glass.
"Chuck E. Cheese isn't the type of place where adults go for drinks," he added. "There is a segment of customers who like to have a glass of wine with their meal, but it's not the focus of our business."
In his complaint, Tuite noted, "Taverns cannot allow children on their premises. Taverns have beer, wine, pizza, pinball games, etc. This new 'children's' place will have beer, wine, pizza, pinball machines, etc."
Tuite also expressed concerns that local church groups did not attend the alcohol board meeting to argue against the beer and wine permit.
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| Happy Birthday Mal!! |
| 02.12.04 (12:03 am) [edit] |
Well, your Birthday is almost over and I couldn't let the day pass without mentioning it. Hope you, Jack and Little Jack have a fantastic life together!!
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4 Comments
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| So sad....sniffle |
| 02.11.04 (5:10 pm) [edit] |
Set to Avril Lavigne...it's just tragic
Check it out
Dubbed by AE as the awful link of the day.
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| Cringe-Worthy |
| 02.10.04 (3:12 pm) [edit] |
I think I have found someone who is clumsier than myself and the blessed thing about it is that I don't think he will be able to have kids now.
Brace yourself (gents especially) then click here.
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9 Comments
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| I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a t-poem today! |
| 02.10.04 (2:01 pm) [edit] |
I got this idea from Craigster. He asked people to make up rhymes and such on his blog. A lot of people on tblog write poetry to express their moods or circumstances and it's a beautiful thing. I would like to encourage more poetry, so here's the deal. I have some tbucks to spare (and nothing worth purchasing at the tstore) and even though I think all your poetry is priceless (this is me kissing your asses), I'm giving away 100 tbucks per poem for the first 7 poems I recieve. After that I will give what I can until I run out of tbucks. Of course there is always a catch. The catch is that your poem has to start off with one of the following lines...
1. With my right hand up my ass......
2. That's bollocks....
3. First class twits....
4. Beautiful me....
5. I believe in carrot juice....
And finally,
6. Up yours you pile of parrot droppings.....
Either leave your poems in the comments box for this post if they are short enough or email me at natblog@hotmail.com if they are considerably long (more than 20 lines). I look forward to hearing from you!!
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5 Comments
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| Fit Nat Update!! |
| 02.09.04 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
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I got a new sports bra. Woo hoo! No more bruising. It was Option 1, for those of you following the Bra Saga. Since last week I have lost 2 lbs! I have worked out everyday of the week and intend to keep going. Next week I plan to start running instead of power-walking. My knees are feeling pretty good so I think I'll try them out. As for my diet, today I had a really nice breaded catfish and veggies with pumpkin rice for lunch so I think dinner will be light this evening. May be some baby-back ribs, potato salad and coleslaw. Just kidding.
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2 Comments
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| You make me so very happy |
| 02.09.04 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
I got up this morning at about 7am and immediately bumped into my desk chair, tripped over a pair of boots and bumped my shoulder on the door jam on the way to the kitchen. I turned on the kettle and cut my finger opening a sack of sugar. While sucking on my boo boo, I knocked over the sugar sack and slipped on the sugar that fell on the floor. I reached for something to stop my fall and ended up burning the tips of my fingers on the stove heating element. From the kitchen floor I stared at the calendar. Monday! Bloody Monday!! I wanted to go back to bed and sleep until Tuesday but that really wasn't an option. I got ready pretty quickly and then headed out the door. That's when it happened.
I bumped into cute-neighbor-guy. I've lived beside this guy for almost 3 years and we have never said more than "hello" or "excuse me" to each other. He's awfully cute and he's always wearing the same thing whenever I see him - a white t-shirt, tucked into his faded blue jeans and brown oxfords. Yeah, he's not Queer-eyed but he looks good in those jeans. His hair is always perfectly styled into this cool 50's look. I've never seen him with anyone in all this time. God, I hope he's not gay. Please. Please. Please. He seems to be somewhat of a loner. There was this time that I wanted to go over and ask him to water my plants while I was away on holiday but I lost courage and asked the Fast One to do it instead. Anyway, back to Monday, Bloody Monday.
So this morning I bump into him as he's taking the trash out, since Monday is my clumsy day of the week. Tuesday is the day I put my foot in my mouth. He hasn't tied the bag properly so loads of stuff spills out. I help him put them back into the bag. This is the part where I could say a dead body falls out but eh. It's mainly shredded papers and old boxes. He apologizes. He notices that I'm sucking on my cut finger (yes, I know this is not sanitary!!) and wonders if I cut it on his stuff. I tell him about this morning and the sugar and when I'm done I realize that this is the first conversation we have ever had and I've managed to paint a picture of myself as a clumsy blubbering twit. He just smiles. I realize that he's not one to say much.
"By the way, I'm Nat(rest of my name)."
"I'm (the Loner), nice to put a name to the face."
We both laugh, shake hands and then I'm off to catch the shuttle. I look back as I cross the street and I see that he hasn't moved. He's standing there with his garbage in hand staring at me. Great! Now he's seen my large ass cross the street. He waves. I wave back. He smiles. I smile. The shuttle pulls up and I get on. The End
Well, the end until I get home tonight!
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6 Comments
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| Bloody Sunday |
| 02.08.04 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
I use to love Sundays. I'd wake up rested and if I got up early enough I'd head out to church or go to the supermarket while everyone else was at church. No lines! WOOT! I'd read the sunday paper. All 1868 pages of it. Well most of it anyway. I'd clip coupons and my toe nails. I'd make a large breakfast of eggs and sausage or bacon and toast or ham and pancakes. I'd sort through my laundry and smell the fabric softner. Or I would do absolutely nothing. I'd lay in bed on my back in a star position and stare at the cracks on the ceiling and imagine what it must be like to be Pamela Anderson's left breast - a hard-as-nails flotation device.
Now I hate Sunday. I'm so wound up now about my dissertation and getting work done during the week that all I can think about on Sunday is Monday, and then Tuesday, and then Wednesday etc. I can't relax. It might seem like I'm relaxing on the couch but I'm really worried about what will happen in the week. Will I make a breakthrough, will I get enough done? At the same time I am sick with regret about the week that's gone. I'm cursing my own futile efforts. No breakthrough. I didn't work hard enough. I wasted time. What I've done so far is shite!
Yeah, Sunday evening sucks.
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2 Comments
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| Happy Birthday Krispie Treat! |
| 02.07.04 (2:17 pm) [edit] |
Krispie is my nickname for my little cousin Kris, only she's not so little now. Krispie, today, is old enough to vote!! I remember when Auntie was pregnant how we all thought she'd be a boy. Instead she turned out to be a tom-boy, an avid reader, a cynic-for the ages, a witty, independent thinker with a head for the sciences. She's pre-med now having started Uni a year earlier than most kids. I'm so proud of the woman she's grown up to be. When you speak to her you feel like you're speaking with someone ten years older. In that respect she's more mature than I. She has this confidence in her abilities and her own way of living that is heartening to see in someone so young. Once in a blue moon she verges on arrogance but then she laughs and you realize she's just BSing you.
So, Happy Birthday Dearest Krispie!! To know you is to love you and my life is so much better having you as a cousin/surrogate baby-sister. I know you all don't know her but join me in wishing her a Happy 18th Birthday!!
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| Totally Tubular |
| 02.06.04 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
More TV and DVD reviews for you:
Calling all period-drama lovers - The second series of the new Forsyte Saga premieres this Sunday night on PBS Masterpiece Theater. Based on the novels by John Galsworthy. Stars Damian Lewis, Gina McKee, Rupert Graves, Emma Griffiths Malin and Lee Williams. Yeah, I didn't know who they were either until I saw Series I.
24 Officially Sucks: They just won a Golden Globe for Best TV Drama and what do they follow that with? The worst season ever! C'mon people. Kill Kim, give Tony a gun, duct tape Chase's mouth shut (um, wait...check), strip Jack naked and stop bringing back evil villainesses from the past in an effort to increase viewership of this train-wreck season.
Survivor All-Stars: I'm Loving it!!! I'm tired of seeing Richard's ass during the challenges, but hey...it's entertainment.
DVDs:
Terminator 3 ☻☻
Once Upon A Time in Mexico ☻☻☻
S.W.A.T. ☻☻
Underworld ☻☻☻
Lost in Translation ☻☻☻½
Bad Boys II ☻☻
The Secret Lives of Dentists ☻☻☻
Le Divorce ☻☻
How to Deal ☻
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| Jude Law Interview |
| 02.06.04 (3:39 pm) [edit] |
I found myself at a seaside bar the other night. It was a skeazy place, with rusty fish nets and tackles hanging from the ceiling and mold growing freely on the bare walls. The only decent spot was at the counter with the one-eyed bartendress with a mohawk wearing a see-through tank top and surf shorts. I asked for a mimosa and chewed on some peanuts (or what I thought were peanuts). As I looked down to the edge of the bar, I spotted an anomaly. Jude Law. He looked as cool as a man weighing less than 119 lbs could look. I grabbed my drink and sat beside him. He smiled. It was obvious by his glazed eyes and horrific breath that he was plastered. He was still sporting his fuzzy Cold Mountain beard and G-d-awful Southern accent. He might as well have been speaking in Latin. So this is the jist of our conversation and what I think he was saying or trying to say in Latin.
Nat: Hey Jude! Hehehehe. I always wanted to sing that to some one. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Jude: Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
Translation: I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
(Indeed he did. I removed the banana and continued)
Nat: How do you respond to the criticism of your performance in Cold Mountain - that all you did was act morbid and make painful faces and and try to talk in a Southern accent?
Jude:Vescere bracis meis.
Translation: Eat my shorts.
Nat: Hey Jude. Hehehe. C'mon. Don't be like that. What was it like working with Nicole Kidman?
Jude: Vacca foeda. Spero nos familiares mansuros.
Translation: Stupid cow. I hope we'll still be friends.
Nat: So the rumors of your affair are all untrue?
Jude: Ut si! Nescio quid dicas
Translation: As if! I don't know what you're talking about
Nat: I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.
Jude: Me oportet propter praeceptum te nocere.
Translation: I'm going to have to hurt you on principle.
Nat: Hey Jude, I'm sorry that your movie sucked, er... I mean it didn't recieve an Oscar Nomination for Best Picture.
Jude: Non est mea culpa. Vacca, vacca, vacca
Translation: It's not my fault. Cow, cow, cow.
Nat: Nicole, I presume?
At this point Jude became very violent. He started screeching and flailing his arms. He muttered something to the effect of being tired of being an androgenous lolly-pop-head gay icon. So I left the dodgy little seaside bar and headed to the site of my next interviewee...Billy-Bob Thornton.
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| HAVE YOU SEEN THESE BITCHES? |
| 02.05.04 (8:11 pm) [edit] |
STOLEN – TWO STANDARD POODLE BITCHES
On Sunday, January 25th , Ch. Charis Clarisse de Belcanto (Clarisse) and Ch. Charis Destina de Belcanto (Tina) were stolen from the inside of their owner, Grace Lossman’s, home in Cream Ridge, NJ 08514.
It is possible that the girls were originally taken to Eastern North Carolina. Now they could be almost anywhere. The photo above is of Clarisse but Tina looks much the same, a little lighter in color and a little taller. Clarisse is 21 ¾ inches at the shoulder. These dogs may have been dyed black.
A reward is being offered. If you have any knowledge of these girls and/or if you may have unwittingly been involved in this theft, please come forward now and help my dogs return home.
Please contact Grace Lossman (1-609-259-6416,
1-732-754-5658) or
Atty Luis Sanchez (1-908-355-3000).
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| I did something incredibly stupid today |
| 02.05.04 (7:59 pm) [edit] |
Now I don't need you lecturing me. Really, I know I WAS STUPID. I've had 2 friends laugh at me, my Mom scolded me, my brother questioned my sanity and the people who were helping correct the situation lectured me for 20 minutes. I thought only old people fell pray to this sorta charity scam. Where do I begin? I decided to powerwalk today and went about one-third of the way when I got these awful paralyzing leg-cramps. I limped my way to a bus stop and hopped on a bus back to my apartment. As soon as I got home the cramp was gone and I considered going back out but decided to do a pilates workout in the evening instead. That's when SHE knocked on my door. This woman looked like your average annoying Jehova's Witness knocking on my door. I was pleasantly surprised when she said all she wanted was my signature for a petition. I said sure. Then she wanted money. I have a serious problem saying no to charities, which is why I love caller ID. I had no cash. I had the kettle whistling in the background, Oprah was about to begin, I had a toasted sandwich in the oven and Mal chatting to me online. I wrote her a check to get rid of her.
I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!!
Don't give checks to strangers even if you believe they work for a legit charity.
As soon as I closed the door and went to check on the oven, it hit me.
HOLY F***KING SH*T Why did I do that? Why? I'll never be able to answer that question. I blame my leg cramps. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't have been home when she stopped by. First, I thought I was being overly paranoid but the closer I scrutinized the literature she gave me on her charity the worse I felt. No phone number, no address (just a P.O. Box, a link to a website and an email address). SH*T! A charity for "good writing"? WTF? So I called the Better Business Bureau and got their automated service as their offices were closed. I needed the charity's phone number to proceed to the next step. So I hung up in frustration. Then I called the Police Department who said they didn't handle that stuff and to call the Better Business Bureau. So what did I learn:
- Always ask for a phone number.
- Tell them to send you their literature in the mail. Never give money on the spot.
- Duh! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.
Thing is, I've done all this before but for some reason, I was not on my game. So then I called my bank and told them what happened. They said I had two options. The riskier option was just to stop payment on that check, the safer option was to close my account. I asked, "Why do I need to close my account? It's only a check for a tiny sum."
I was lectured for 10 minutes on check fraud. Once this individual has your check, she has your account number, routing number, check number. If this really is a scam, and the more I thought about the lady the more I was doubting her, and a slick operation, they can print new checks based on that alone and start emptying your account. The idea of closing my account was not at first appealing. It is such an inconvenience. I would have to call all these people. The people at the bank talked me into it for my own peace of mind. Still I am not planning to sleep until this crap is sorted out. At first I thought that I was over-reacting but then I thought the bigger mistake would be to under-react and live to regret it later on.
Anyway, I shared my stupidity with you, not because I think any of you could do something equally stupid, I just wanted to make sure.
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| Bras 'R Us |
| 02.05.04 (3:28 pm) [edit] |
In my quest for the best sports bra, the name Champion keeps coming up. I immediately went hunting. Here's what I found.
Option 1: I like this one because it solves the uni-boob problem. Comes in larger cup sizes!! WOOT!!
Option 2: I like the cut on this one but it stops at a 38 D. Sorry.
Option 3: What I imagine when I think of a sports bra is this. Why the f--k does it have to cost so much?
Option 4: I think this is the one for me. Doesn't come in a DD cup. Sorry.
Option 5: Anna Kournikova sports bra. I'll be honest. I only included this on to increase the hits on my blog. However it does come in DD and E cups.
Option 6: Nice design on this one, but $40.00? Eh. I'll wait till there's a sale. Comes in DD cups.
You know I wish I could write to the manufacturers and tell them off. Well, let me know if you find other brands that you wish to recommend. I'm deliberately shopping around. I figure if I'm going to spend $20-$40 on each of these, I might as well get ones that feel good. Thanks for your participation in the bra-hunt!
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2 Comments
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| Who's Your Daddy? |
| 02.05.04 (11:48 am) [edit] |
Well, your Presidential Candidate Daddy, that is.
Giantsfan sent me this link.
See how you match up with the candidates on certain issues. I found the questions a bit biased and fru-fru but it's still fun to do.
Shocker of all shockers: My results
Howard Dean - 53% match (and I'm not all into him either)
Welsey Clark - 38%
Kucinich - 38%
Al Sharpton - 37% (You have got to be sh-tting me!!)
Joe Lieberman - 30%
John Kerry - 26%
George W Bush - 7%
I don't consider myself that liberal but eh.
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| Calling All Bra Experts!!! |
| 02.04.04 (4:24 pm) [edit] |
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PLEASE HELP!! I am in search of the most comfortable sports bra ever. I am tired of my boobies hurting when I do anything cardiovascular. I am tired of feeling like my breasts have been banded down to my chest or some one has taken a sledge hammer to their undersides. I just want to be able to jog, do jumping jacks etc. and not poke my eyes out. I need support, I need things to stay in place and I need to be able to breathe. If you're satisfied with your brand of sports bras please leave me a comment. This is not only for me but for my friend who is also suffering from shaken-boobie syndrome. Again, please help. I know I am not the only one who suffers.
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4 Comments
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| Don't worry Mom, I'm not a lesbian |
| 02.04.04 (2:05 pm) [edit] |
I swear. Yes, I have lots of male friends that I have never slept with, and God knows I have tried (well, sorta). Yes, I've told friends that I think Salma Hayek has perfect tits. Yes, I find Ellen DeGeneres hysterical at time. Yes, I have cursed men and wanted to throw myself down a flight of stairs before caring about another penis-bearer in the past. It's all good though. The desire is still there. I still crave the beef, preferrably lean but I'm not one who can afford to be fussy.
I know you want grandchildren. I know you're concerned about how easily annoyed I get around other people's snot-nosed, poopy-diapered, super-clingy, cute-until-they-puke-up-o n-your-angora-sweater rugrats. Never fear. I'd like to give birth to something someday. A goldfish sounds do-able and certainly more practical but once in a while I see a clean, sweet-smelling, soft and cuddly little human and I think I could love that child if he were my own. I could breast-feed, for two days at least. I could sing lullabies (Alanis Morrissette comes to mind). I could read bedtime stories (Stephen King would keep them in line). I've got maternal instincts of my own. Besides, lesbians have kids all the time. Hehehe. Gotcha!
I know I told you that I can't stand the fuss of a big wedding, how I hate frilly things and lace, how I'd rather elope and save the money for a down payment on a house, and how Trista Rehn's uber-pink wedding ceremony gave me cholic. Still, if you can just tone down on the demands for a wedding spectacle, I might concede and actually wear a white dress (no train please!) and shoes, may be.
So Mommy, don't cry and don't worry. I'll be alright. Married or not. Kids or not. I like things the way they are now. I'm so in love with me. It might be sad, but it's true.
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4 Comments
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| You Bastard!!! |
| 02.03.04 (4:05 pm) [edit] |
You Bastard!
Below I have typed out an AIM conversation I, Shameless-self-promoting- git, had with my friend Mal, Daft-Eyed-Filly, earlier this afternoon. It all started innocently enough and then just went to hell in a handbasket. You'll see what I mean.
Shameless-self-promoting- git: Boo!
Daft-Eyed-Filly: AHHHH!
Daft-Eyed-Filly: howdy! wassaaaaaaaaa
Shameless-self-promoting- git: not much
Shameless-self-promoting- git: Monkey-On-Crack's cat is having surgery
Daft-Eyed-Filly: why?
Shameless-self-promoting- git: Gall stones, I suspect
Daft-Eyed-Filly: ack
Daft-Eyed-Filly: didn't know he had a cat
Shameless-self-promoting- git: it's his girlfriend's cat
Daft-Eyed-Filly: ah.
Daft-Eyed-Filly: has he emailed you yet?
Shameless-self-promoting- git: NO
Daft-Eyed-Filly: ugh!
Daft-Eyed-Filly: :-(
Shameless-self-promoting- git: but I feel for him and little kitty
Daft-Eyed-Filly: is it gonna be okay?
Shameless-self-promoting- git: no idea
Shameless-self-promoting- git: will find out in a few days
Daft-Eyed-Filly: awww
Shameless-self-promoting- git: updated z II nickname for natblog II
Daft-Eyed-Filly: sweet, okies
Daft-Eyed-Filly: lemme finish reading bloody MAIL
Shameless-self-promoting- git: k
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (omg this apple is SO good.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (what! you mean your bleedin' apple is more important than my bloody blog!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING TODAY DAG NABBIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (Don't argue with me!!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (:o!!!!!!!!! *slap*)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: *sends man in armor to slap Daft with rubber chicken* SMACK
Daft-Eyed-Filly: AHHHH CHICKEN KNIGHT!!!!!! OWWWWWWW *thud*
Shameless-self-promoting- git: cute, eh?
Daft-Eyed-Filly: aww
Daft-Eyed-Filly: the baby or the site? :-D
Shameless-self-promoting- git: the site
Shameless-self-promoting- git: all that kid does is cry and poop all day. well, he is cute.
Daft-Eyed-Filly: rofl
Daft-Eyed-Filly: 1. Jack(65) English Male form of John - God is gracious
2. Jock Scottish Male form of JACK - form of JOHN - God gave
Shameless-self-promoting- git: If I have a boy his name will be Rohan or Ronan
Daft-Eyed-Filly: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! !!
Daft-Eyed-Filly: awwwwwwww cuteee!
Daft-Eyed-Filly: are those....english names? sound it
Shameless-self-promoting- git: Celtic
Daft-Eyed-Filly: sweet
Shameless-self-promoting- git: I like the rohirrim
Shameless-self-promoting- git: from LOTR
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (this is seriously an awesome apple)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (ohh! not that apple again. it must be huge! Personally I can finish an apple in about 8 bites, sometimes 7 depending on how many days since it's been picked and if I've had something hot to drink just before. I remember this one time there was this apple that didn't want to be bitten. Everytime it would scream out like I was murdering it. Well, I guess I was actually. But it's an apple so it really doesn't count...)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: ....................................O_O WTF?
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (...I mean to say I couldn't be taken to court for murdering it. I mean in eating it I murdered it but Apples were meant to be eaten and thus murdered...)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (...poor apples...Hmmm..won't stop me from eating them.)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (me neither. I'm done with the apple. it was fairly large, but I was just eating slowly)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (Ugh! There you are going on and on about that apple...I scarcely know what to do now. I should call Mr. Pim at work and ask him to bring me home some apples just so you don't get too far ahead of yourself. It's a shameful display, really. Making people jealous of apples. There ought to be a law, wouldn't you say, miss conclusion?)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (....yeah...a law.. perhaps I should send Mr Biggles out for more, I only have one whole bag of them left!)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (YOU BASTARD!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (DON'T give me that you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (You vicious heartless bastard!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (Stupid git!)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (No, I'm irresponsible reckless obnoxious git. Stupid git is my 2nd cousin)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (No, no, I am sorry. I don't intend to pursue this line of inquiry any further as I think it is becoming too silly. Understand that now, you gumby faced hankerchief headed twit?)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (For the love of God and all that is decent! Gumby faced hankerchief headed twit is my brother, you prickly backed gigantic hedgehog!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (ME? ME A PRICKLY BACKED GIGANTIC HEDGEHOG????????????????? Now you listen to me you pile of excrement. The prickly backed gigantic hedgehog is my sister. Now get on with it.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (get on with what?... I don't remember what we were talking about)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (The apples, one of thoooooose nexxxxxxt.)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (My sister is engaged to Spiny Norman you know. Wonderful old chap. I believe he used to stalk Dinsdale Piranha.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (NO NO NO NO NO! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLOODY APPLES ANYMORE, you pile of pig entrails rotting in the morning sun!)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (Oh, sorry... we're off that now are we...nevermind) :-D
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (FINE!!!! I WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOUR STUCK UP SNOBBY SELF IS TO GOOD FOR APPLES AREN'T YOU?? YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU WEED!!!!)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (this is becoming too silly.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (why are we writing in brackets...isn't this now the main line of conversation?)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (hmmm, I'm not sure about that, I thought we were whispering, but all that ended when you went on a rant about the apples.)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (no, silly. If I reduced the font-size I'd be whispering, parentheses is for a side argument not pertaining to the main line of conversation or a tangential chain of thought)
Daft-Eyed-Filly: (perhaps you're right. But they're still kinda fun to use, whether you like it or not. ()()()()()()()()()()()()( )()()()()!!!!)
Shameless-self-promoting- git: (BTW, I am saving this conversation. I deem it blog worthy. Names will be changed of course for security reasons)
As soon as I told Daft-Eyed-Filly that the conversation would be posted she became terribly self-conscious and what followed was not remotely funny or interesting. I apologize to those of you who expected this conversation to have meaning or to have a decent conclusion.
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2 Comments
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| Fit Nat Update |
| 02.03.04 (1:40 pm) [edit] |
After a month of eating carefully, making sure I am not sacrificing my health for weight loss, exercising practically every day and being super-positive, I have lost exactly 1.5 lbs and I see no increased muscle-definition worth mentioning. I suppose it is too early to look for definition but less than 2 bleedin' pounds!! BLOODY HELL! I could've lost more weight jerking off daily. However, I've decided to stick to the plan. Quitting is not an option. I have also thrown my bathroom scale in the garbage and replaced it with a new model hoping for increased accuracy and reduced irritation. I am so frustrated!
Ah well, back to the grind. WHINE SCREAM GROAN CRY. And one. WHINE SCREAM GROAN CRY. And two. WHINE SCREAM GROAN CRY. And three. WHINE SCREAM GROAN CRY. And four....
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7 Comments
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| Winona Ryder Interview |
| 02.02.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
I managed to sneak into a few Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meetings hoping to find Winona Ryder. After going to 78 different groups through out Los Angeles I finally tracked down the fabulous Ms. Ryder and her group mates in the basement of some high school gymnasium. The air in the room was smokey and dense. It seemed that everyone was passing around a giant bong. I witnessed Ms. Ryder eying one of the male members of the group who sorta reminded me of Corey Feldman (50 tbucks to anyone who can remember this waste of talent). Holy Crap! It is Corey Feldman! The mood was quite relaxed and I felt safe asking Winona a few personal questions. She seemed stoned out of her ass and she might as well have been speaking Latin. So this is the jist of our conversation and what I think she was saying or trying to say in Latin.
Nat: Hi Winona Do you mind if I ask you some questions about your colorful past?
Winona: Sic, sed minime Latine loquor
Translastion - No, but I don't speak much Latin
Nat: Ever thought about shoplifting at Saks?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Did you ever travel to London with Matt Damon?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: How about Tokyo and Johnny Depp?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Greece and all the members of Foo Fighters?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Veggie Haven with Beck?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Saturday Night Live with Jimmy Fallon?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Africa, Angelina Jolie?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Sea World and Shamu?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: The White House, Dick Cheney?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: You and I in Jamaica?
Winona: Illic fui, illud feci
Translation - Been there, done that
Nat: Now wait just a G-d damned minute!!
Before I could deny any past involvement with Ms. Ryder, I heard police sirens outside and quickly exited the building. I could have taken my gun-toting lesbian lover (NOT!!!!!) with me but she's a celebrity. She can afford a good attorney. Is there anyone she hasn't slept with? If you're a Ryder-virgin please leave a comment. You're a rare lot.
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