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| God has a sense of humor |
| 03.31.04 (2:47 pm) [edit] |
That's why he created irony.
How's this for irony?
"Harvard professor scams $500,000 for fake SARS research, blows it all investing in a questionable Nigerian business offer he received via e-mail."
Brought to you courtesy of Fark.com. For more click here.
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15 Comments
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| The Ladykillers Review |
| 03.31.04 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
While it's not the best film by the Coen Brothers (Raising Arizona, Fargo, O Brother Where Art Thou, Intolerable Cruelty etc.), it's not their worst film. Take this all with a grain of salt. This is coming to you from a woman who HATED The Big Lebowski. HATED IT. HATE THE DUDE AND HIS CRAPPY BATHROBE AND DIRTY SLIPPERS!!!. Probably because I have never been a big fan of Jeff Bridges, who I think is an extremely talented actor but reminds me in his physical appearance and mannerisms (not his personality) of this guy who tortured me in high school, teased me mercilessly and publicly dry-humped me without my permission in front of the school assembly when the teacher's weren't looking. Ok, enough about me - back to Ladykillers.
Ladykillers has some really interesting characters. Irma P. Hall (Soul Food) plays this wonderful God-fearing elderly Southern lady living alone in a big house under the watchful eye of a giant portrait of her late husband. She's sassy and no-nonsense when it comes to doing the right thing. In walks the most over-the-top Tom Hanks character I have ever seen and his band of merry (well not really merry - just gay) criminals who wish to use her home as a means to a wealthy end. Each member of the hapless band of criminals is interesting on his own. A potty-mouthed Marlon Wayans provides much of the humor and conflict. It's a dark comedy and one can see the Coen influence but still it's not their shining glory. Giantsfan and I think that they seem to be slipping and losing their edge. May be.
Jon, if you're reading this, let this be a lesson to you. Don't sell out. "Will trade integrity for cash" - hope you didn't really mean it. Better the cupboard be bare than your soul.
Verdict: Worth a look.
If this review seems rushed, it is. I wrote this review while I was half-naked getting dressed and applying deoderant. I've only got two hands, people!! TWO!
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6 Comments
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| Indecision 2004 |
| 03.30.04 (3:15 pm) [edit] |
Tired of the same old politicians - rich jerks from Yale? Looking to support someone who is honest....honest enough to tell you to your face that his sole purpose in life is to line his pockets with gold dubloons? Honest enough to tell you that he's a womanizer and heavy drinker? Are you looking to support a candidate who is in touch with his feminine side - a little too in touch?
Look no further than Jack Sparrow! Ahem, I mean Captain Jack Sparrow!
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
JACK 2004
Click above to go to Campaign Headquarters.
Jack criticizes the current administration:
"Quit blowing holes in my ship...the ship that is America...with your bleedin' weapons of mass destruction!"
Jack asks President Bush "Where's the rum, you scallywagg?!!!"
"Under my leadership America will be the finest ship in these here seas!! There will be gold and precious stones for every man, woman and child. Those who cause trouble will be made to walk the plank - no questions asked! Due process? What's that? So you land-lubbers beware!"
Jack responds to the accusation that he has a drinking problem:
"I have no problem with the drink. I'll drink rum. I'll drink gin. I'll drink wine. I'll drink whisky. I'll drink water, but there's no fun to be had in that. If you're buying, I'm drinking."
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16 Comments
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| Brother of the Day: Richard D. Winters |
| 03.30.04 (1:24 pm) [edit] |
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Born in Lancaster, Pa., on January 21, 1918, Mr. Winters spent his formative years in eastern Pennsylvania where the Pennsylvania Dutch work ethic was drilled into him at an early age. After graduating from Franklin-Marshall College in June 1941 as a business major, Mr. Winters volunteered for military service. His intent was to spend the mandatory one year in the Army, then return to civilian life to pursue a private career. Following his induction in August, he spent his basic combat training at Camp Croft, S.C., where he was stationed when he received word of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. During basic training, Mr. Winters was amazed when an officer lectured for an hour about a particular type of rifle while holding the wrong rifle in his hand and became determined to attend Officer Candidate School and arrived at Fort Benning, where he graduated in July 1942 as a second lieutenant of infantry.
It was also during basic that Mr. Winters, so impressed by the paratroopers he saw, decided to volunteer for the Airborne. When the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment was formed in August, Mr. Winters became one of the original members of Easy Company. Assigned command of Easy's 2nd Platoon, he soon completed his five jumps and received his airborne wings. In mid-April 1943, he had also assumed the duties of company executive officer, a position that he found brought new challenges. Still a first lieutenant, Mr. Winters remained with Easy Company when the regiment joined the 101st Airborne Division in June 1943. Three months later, the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment (PIR) deployed to England to prepare for the ensuing invasion of the European continent.
From September 1943 until June 1944, Mr. Winters quietly emerged as Easy Company's most dynamic and charismatic junior officer. On D-Day June 6 1944, as with other units within the 101st, it was Easy Company's mission to seize the causeways behind Utah Beach to facilitate the expansion of the beachhead. Unfortunately, the Division's drop was scattered across the Cotentin Peninsula. After landing near Ste. Mere-Eglise, and reaching Division HQ at Ste. Marie-du-Mont, Mr. Winters lead his company (which consisted of of two light machine guns, one bazooka with no ammunition, one 60 mm mortar, nine riflemen and two officers) on an assault on a four-gun battery of German 105 mm cannons near Brécourt Manor . The battery was set up in a hedgerow and defended by a 50-man German platoon. Mr. Winters' action at Brécourt Manor was a textbook infantry assault, frequently studied at the U.S. Military Academy. For Mr. Winters' heroic leadership under fire during the attack at Brécourt Manor he was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross. He was promoted to captain on July 2nd, but not before leading his company in another attack to capture Carentan, a small town at the base of the peninsula. He would lead the company with great distinction during Operation Market-Garden in mid-September, and then remain in Holland until late November. Soon Mr. Winters was promoted to executive officer of the 2nd Battalion. His toughest fight was at Bastogne, and in March he received command of 2nd Battalion, which he led with distinction until V-E Day when his battalion was stationed at Berchtesgaden. He ended the war as a Major.
When the war was over, Mr. Winters left the Army and found solace far away from the battlefield. A highly successful businessman, he is a frequent lecturer at West Point. His message to the cadets is always the same: Hang tough and take care of your soldiers. Asked by one cadet what his toughest challenge as a commander was, Mr. Winters instantly replied, "To be able to think under fire. In peace the toughest challenge is to be fair." Mr. Winters keeps in touch with the men who played such an important role in his life. "They are my brothers," he said. They're family. I keep in touch with them as much as possible. We share our memories. We share our feelings. We share our grief and our happiness. We're brothers. You can't be closer than that."
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Damian Lewis plays Mr. Winters in the mini-series Band of Brothers and received a Golden Globe nomination for his work. Lewis is a British actor who worked mainly on stage and the small screen in the UK before getting his big break in the Spanks mini-series. He dubbed himself "The Ginger Ninja" referring to his bright red hair and love for motorcycles. Lewis followed Band of Brothers by taking the lead role in the Granada version of The Forsyte Saga. He can currently be seen in Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. He has an upcoming role in An Unfinished Life with Robert Redford and recently finished filming on Martin Scorcese's Brides.
"In England, if you fancy people who are redhaired you must be kinky." -- Damian Lewis
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Damian Lewis greets Mr. Richard Winters at the Normandy premiere of Band of Brothers
Photo from Tircuit.com
Sources: Major Dick Winters dot com, Tircuit.com, Damian Lewis Online
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6 Comments
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| "The Yankees are 0 and 1!" |
| 03.30.04 (10:43 am) [edit] |
Giantsfan screams as he reads the news on his PC. When I remind him that it's just the first game of the season he responds in typical Yankee-hater fashion with "I'll celebrate while I can!"
YAHOO!!!
Next he screams "The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are on top of the Americal League East!!!" I swear as I am typing this he is doing a little dance at his desk. It's so sad really.
George Steinbrenner, his bag of money, the players he has bought with it and the continued success of the Yankees has brought out the catty and bitchy side of my officemate. It ain't pretty.
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2 Comments
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| Snippety Snip Snippy Snipper Snippo |
| 03.29.04 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
Don't get all bent out of shape.
Don't bite my head off.
I'm not bitter but I might be too hot
For your sensitive tongue.
Don't read too much into my comments.
Don't see what just isn't there.
Give me the benefit of the doubt.
My sole purpose is not to hurt you.
I'm not trying to trip you up.
I'm not trying to show you up.
I'm just talking out of my ass.
Let's just get back to having fun.
This is just a little misunderstanding
I just want it all resolved.
I just want it to be over.
You know I love you. :)
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8 Comments
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| Crap Pix |
| 03.29.04 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
Here's my version:
Just thought I'd return the favor. Thanks for my....um....lovely portrait. Yeah, lovely. Well, made with love. (See the comments from Dog Owners' Tax Exemption)
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12 Comments
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| Dog Owner's Tax Exemption |
| 03.28.04 (1:23 pm) [edit] |
It's tax season and some of you have waited until the very last minute to file your returns. Tsk tsk tsk. You may not be aware of all the new changes in the tax law. Here's one little known exemption.
390-S Tax Exemption for Pooper-Scooper Dog Owners
Do you own one or more dogs? Do you walk them in public places so they can get down to business? Does your city or state have a public ordinance that requires you to scoop the poop? Then if you are a legal US resident living in the states bordering Hawaii with a droopy eye and a third nipple you could qualify for Tax Exemption 390-S. This tax exemption is geared towards individuals who have incurred expenses and emotional trauma from having to pick up after their dogs. All you will need is to present proof of residency and fill out Form 838-DOODOO. Then take this form and a poop specimen and mail it to your Senator or House Representative and get him to certify that it is indeed a shame that you have to scoop the poop and that it indeed stinks. Your Congressman must rate the stench of the poop on a 10-point scale for the IRS to determine the size of your exemption. Please do not feed your dog stinky food in order to receive a larger exemption. The IRS will be sending out their field agents to a random sample (10%) of the individuals who file this exemption to audit your dog food and poop. Those found abusing the tax exemption will be forced to walk their neighbors dogs for a period not to exceed 6 months.
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39 Comments
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| Public Service Announcement |
| 03.28.04 (12:01 am) [edit] |
Pop-up ads are more than just annoying. Some of us have downloaded nasty little Trojan/Backdoor viruses and adware (aka spyware) from just closing the windows. However, the danger doesn't stop there.
If you use dial-up to connect to the internet (like I do) you're at risk from modem hijackers. This is an internet scam in which closing one of those pop-up ads actually downloads a program that captures the user's phone number and uses it to ring up very expensive calls.
One man almost died when he received $1000 phone bill for calling Sao Tome. My first question. Where the f--k is Sao Tome?
So beware.
You'll notice that I have removed the background music from my blog. I used to use music provided by Power Web Music. The pop-up ads were extremely annoying and the number seemed to grow exponentially with every page load.
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10 Comments
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| I'll take care of it |
| 03.27.04 (1:58 pm) [edit] |
You know how I always rag on my brother - that he's homophobic and not the greatest when it comes to the ladies and can sometimes be flaky. Well, I'm not taking it all back, I'm just saying that I might have been a bit harsh and one-sided. For all his faults, he's a good brother - loyal, caring, understanding and on occasion very thoughtful and sweet. Last night I saw the cooler side of my brother.
When I was growing up, Bud would always leave me to fight my own fights with other kids in school or the bullies that used to torment me throughout high school. He said it would make me stronger. Um, sure. Anyway, outside of those environments he's very protective of me. So last night when Mr. PSSSST! (a.k.a. Asfukker) called me 4 times lastnight and wouldn't take a hint I called my brother and explained the situation. In his typical macho fashion, Bud said "I'll take care of it."
He hung up before I could find out what he planned to do or say. I called him back immediately to find out what he planned but his phone was busy. I began to panic. A minute later, Bud called back. He calmly said "It's done."
WTF? It's done. So I asked him to tell me word for word what he said and how Asfukker responded.
"I said to him "This is (Bud), Nat's brother. She doesn't like you. She doesn't want to be your friend. She doesn't want to know you. Don't call her anymore. Got it?" and all the guy said to me in a feeble voice was "Ok." So Nat, I don't think you'll be hearing from this asshole anymore. If you do, let me know. I'll drive up to Austin and take care of him."
"Gee, thanks Bud!! You ROCK!!"
"Anytime. I just want to stop this guy before things get out of hand. Every guy should learn to take a hint and realize when his attention is unwarranted."
"I couldn't agree more."
See, he's not all bad.
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11 Comments
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| Quote of the Day |
| 03.26.04 (2:46 pm) [edit] |
This quote brought to you by the brilliant minds at Fark.com - an equal-opportunity slagger.
"Tom Cruise breaks up with Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz, still expects everyone to believe he's straight"
Giantsfan seems to think now that Tom is available that I might be in danger. Remember, I own a cricket bat and I bite!
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14 Comments
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| This is why it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep |
| 03.26.04 (1:26 pm) [edit] |
A great man once said that a man who lives in congruence with his values is always content. My own problems go beyond not living in congruence with my values. If I could exactly define my values I think that would be a major breakthrough.
A short list of things that contribute to my insomnia:
1. Abortion Rights
2. Gay Marriage
3. Prayer in Schools
4. The Majority versus the Minority
5. The Death Penalty
If you thought that I stayed up all night fantasizing about Colin Farrell, you'd only be half-right.
Here's the problem. From I was a tiny zygote in my mother's womb, I have been raised to believe in the Almighty God, and how Jesus's crucifixion and the miracle of His resurrection have paid for my sins and the opportunity to live with my Father in Heaven for eternity after life on earth has ended. When I was a child, I never doubted any of it. Loving and being faithful to God was easy and simple. God is everywhere watching over us.
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful.
The Lord God made them all.
I believed it then. I want to believe in it now. There was no ambiguity, only absolutes - good and evil, saint and sinner.
During my teenage years things began to get a little complicated. As my knowledge of the world expanded and I met people of different beliefs and ways of life, my faith began to waiver a little. Was my God the one true god? Was Jesus truly the Messiah? How does God really feel about gays and lesbians? If two people really love each other and want to be committed to each other forever, why is it so wrong if they are of the same sex? Why is their love so wrong? Then there's the whole debate about being born gay, and if God never makes mistakes....does my head in sometimes. Suppose a woman became pregnant after being raped. If she had an abortion, would God send her to burn in the fiery pits of hell? Is masturbation a sin? The bible says that we are to tell the non-believers the Good News. How far should we go in converting others? To the point of persecution?
Jesus talks about not judging others less we ourselves be judged. All we ever seem to do is judge and condemn other people. It's like it's written in our DNA. How does God feel about the death penalty? Isn't vengeance suppose to be His? Sometimes I watch the news and see what one man has done to another and I'm so angry. I just want that person to be put to death. I just want revenge but later I feel ashamed of those feelings. Sometimes I feel justified and other times I feel merciful. There's more than mere hormonal changes going on here. I want to personally bludgeon Osama Bin Laden to death but there's still a part of me that feels that even that is wrong. Then there's pre-marital sex - my confusion here can account for at least 50% of my sleepless nights.
You're probably laughing at me now. You're wondering what moron loses sleep wondering whether or not masturbation is a sin. Yeah, whatever. At the end of the day, your opinions of me won't save my soul. Now that I've come of age, I'm part of the process. My opinions matter. I am in a position to influence others and the responsibility is a daunting one. I want to lead by example, but when you're on shaky ground it's hard to be consistent. One day I'll use the f-word without giving thought to it and other days I'm a prude. One day I am championing gay rights in discussions with my friends and the next day I'm out with my Mom and we see two women kissing and I roll my eyes. WTF?
Here's what I know to be true. My beliefs are not set in stone, but my values - LOVE, FAMILY, LOYALTY, HONESTY and THE PURSUIT OF UNDERSTANDING - will never change. I'm confused because I have confused the values that are important to me with my beliefs that are used to hold them together. Honestly I'm scared. I'm scared that I will never be content.
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12 Comments
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| Ben Affleck Interview |
| 03.25.04 (5:23 pm) [edit] |
It was a rainy day in Boston and I found myself huddled in a doorway on a lonely street trying to stay dry. I held a soggy newspaper over my head and hunched my trench coat over. Suddenly from the corner of my eye I spotted something shocking. There was this tall and hunky man with a prominent chin walking towards me wearing a skin-tight red leather bodysuit with a red leather mask with tiny horns on it. He looked dreadful. He looked more like he belonged to the cast of To Wong Foo than a comic strip action hero blockbuster. He stopped in front of me and grinned that insipid Ben Affleck grin that used to make the girls swoon back in the days before early Oscar success made him bend over and take it up the ass from Hollywood. I'm not saying he sold out. I don't have to. Dare Devil said it for me. Anyway, Ben seemed a bit surprised by my lack of interest and wanted to make sure I knew who he was. He removed a small but heavy golden statuette from his ass and showed it to me.
"I'm Ben Affleck. Remember me? I won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting."
"Oh yeah. I heard Kevin Smith was the one who really wrote that."
His smile turned into a rather nasty scowl and his chin seemed to get bigger. When he realized he had frightened me his smile returned. He seemed desperate to prove to me that he was someone important and that he was a nice guy. He agreed to sit down for a few questions at a near by cafe. I told him he could take off the body suit but he insisted on wearing it. He said he needed it to stay in character for the sequel. The interview was almost ruined when he burnt the roof of his mouth on scalding hot Starbucks coffee. His words were practically unintelligible. He might as well have been speaking Latin. Hmmm...I think he was. Here's the jist of the interview and what I think he was trying to say in Latin.
Nat: Do you think Jersey Girl will re-energize your career?
Ben: Contra Felicem vix deus vires habet. Fiat lux!
Translation: Against a lucky man a god scarcely has power. Let there be light!
(Ben seemed to actually expect the flourescent lights in the cafe to brighten on his command. He raised his hands in anticipation. After 5 minutes of waiting in silence, a sadness came over him. I think he realized that he was average, like me.)
Nat: What was it like dating Gwynneth Paltrow and then being engaged to Jennifer Lopez?
Ben: A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi
Translation: A precipice in front, wolves behind
Nat: Why was Gigli so awful? Did it lead to your break up with Jennifer?
Ben: Stercus accidit. Abyssus abyssum invocat
Translation: Shit happens. Hell calls hell.
Nat: I'm sorry, I don't follow.
Ben: Trahimur omnes studio laudis. Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.
Translation: We are all attracted by the desire for praise. Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time
Nat: How do you respond to the criticism that you'll never be as good an actor as Matt Damon? Tell me how you truly feel about your buddy Matt.
Ben: Hic puer est stultissimus omnium! Non Gradus Anus Rodentum!
Translation: That boy is the stupidest of all! Not Worth A Rats Ass!
Nat: Really? I thought you guys were so close.
Ben: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Translation: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?
(Suddenly, Ben's cell phone rang. I couldn't imagine where on that tight body suit he had space for a cellphone. Once again he reached into his ass and pulled out a tiny phone. It had also been set on vibrate. He spoke briefly for a few minutes, ending with "Apudne te vel me?" meaning "Your place or mine?" Then he turned his attention to me.)
Ben: Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Translation: Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Nat: You mean J-Lo?
Ben: Yeah, that bitch. She still hasn't sent back the ring.
With that Ben was gone. He left the same way he came - pulling a large red leather wedgie out from behind him.
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8 Comments
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| Brother of the Day - Carwood Lipton |
| 03.25.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
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"I was a leader but I never threw my weight around," said Carwood Lipton in an interview.
Carwood Lipton was born the son of a successful contractor in Huntington, West Virginia. His father was killed in an auto accident when Mr. Lipton was ten, leaving the family in a tight financial spot that his mother eased by running a boarding house. He worked jobs all through high school and was able to complete a year and a half at Marshall College in Huntington before his money ran out. Mr. Lipton was working as a machinist's apprentice at International Nickel when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.
After a Life magazine article about the paratroops captured his imagination, Mr. Lipton enlisted in the U.S. Army in August 1942 and was assigned to Company E, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division, then being formed at Camp Tocca, Ga. He trained at Tocca and Fort. Benning, Ga., Camp McKall and Fort Bragg. Mr. Lipton jumped into Normandy as plane jumpmaster and platoon sergeant of 3rd platoon of E Company the night before D-Day. He returned to E Company after six weeks in the hospital and jumped into Holland on Sept. 17 as plane jumpmaster and first sergeant of the E Company. After 72 days in combat in Holland, he moved with the E. Company to a new base at Mourmelon, France and from there, on Dec. 19, 1944 to Bastogne, Belgium to help contain a German break-through there. He was given the command of the 2nd platoon of the E Company during the Bastogne fighting and was awarded Battlefield Commission at Haguenau, France on Feb. 16, 1945. In late April 1945, the 506th moved to Austria to clear the last SS troops from there and from Berchtesgaden.
"When I went into the army, I was...I call myself a loner. I accomplished things on my own. I felt that I...I was quite confident that I could accomplish many things, but I did it on my own. In the army I saw Captain Winters, Captain Speirs and the other officers were able to motivate a group of men and inspire a group of men, get those men to work together as a team and accomplish much more than the men could do individually. I was very impressed by their ability to organize men and motivate those men so I taught myself to do it in the army and I've done it all my life after that. Instead of trying to accomplish things on my own, I've organized groups of people to accomplish it. I've done that the rest of my life since the army. That's the biggest change, I think, that the army had on me." [ From Donnie-Wahlberg.com]
After the war, Mr. Lipton attended Marshall University and in 1948 graduated with a bachelor’s degree in engineering science, majoring in physics. Mr. Lipton retired from Owens-Illinois as a director of development international technical assistance after 36 years of service. Sixteen of those years were in the international division. After his retirement on Nov. 1, 1983, he moved to Southern Pines. Carwood Lipton died on December 16th, 2001 at the age of 81, leaving his wife and three sons.
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Donnie Wahlberg is the actor who portrays Mr. Lipton in the HBO Mini-series Band of Brothers. Many of you will remember Donnie from his bad boy teen-idol days in the boy band New Kids on the Block. However, many did not recognize Donnie when he lost 43 lbs to play the role of Vincent Gray in The Sixth Sense. He got his big break as an actor when he played a sympathetic kidnapper in 1996's Ransom. Since then he has slowly but surely built a reputation as a talented actor. Recently, Donnie starred opposite his Band of Brothers cast-mate Neal McDonough in NBC's Boomtown which was cancelled after less than 2 seasons on the air despite it's critical success. He also appeared in 2003's Dreamcatcher. Donnie is currently married to wife Kim and they have two sons, Xavier and Elijah.
Donnie Wahlberg and Carwood Lipton at the Normandy, France Premiere of Band of Brothers.
Photo from Tircuit.com
Sources: Tircuit.com, Donnie-Wahlberg.com, The History Channel, IMDb.com
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1 Comments
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| PSSSSSST! Update |
| 03.24.04 (3:30 pm) [edit] |
I went out to the laudromat in the afternoon yesterday and when I returned I noticed that I had missed three calls. When I looked at the caller ID I noticed all three were from the same individual - "D. Asfukker". Well, that's not really his name but it might as well have been. Each call from Asfukker was 15 minutes apart and he left a message on the last call while hanging up just as the voicemail kicked in on the first two. One of my pet-peeves is when I get a voicemail message that's just a "click" and a "end of message". His message was,
"Hi Nat. Remember me? We met at your bus stop. The number you gave me was not correct and totally different from your home number. May be it was for your cell phone. May be I typed it in wrong. I'd really like to hang out with you. May be I can come over to your house instead. We could have so much fun. Please give me a call. I'd like us to be friends."
It was the same creep that harrassed me at the bus stop on Monday (scroll down to At least he was honest). After deleting the message, I walked into the living room and tried to digest all of what he said. How the f--k did he get my real number and does he know where I live? I had only given him my first name. Panic ripped through me. I went to my sliding doors and looked outside to see if I could spot any strange vehicles. Nothing. Then I remembered what the guy looked like. I have at least an inch on him in height and I'm not tall. I also weigh more than he does. I also own a cricket bat and I bite. I took a few cleansing breaths and made practice kicks at an imaginary crotch and felt a lot better. I don't want to overreact but do you know where I can find some pepper spray?
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9 Comments
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| Exorcist: The VCR |
| 03.24.04 (1:04 pm) [edit] |
I'm not sure what happened last night but now I have to get a new VCR. My current VCR seems to be possessed for reasons I cannot understand. When I checked the warranty, I realized that I have had it for almost 5 years. I only use it nowadays to tape my favorite shows. Since I switched to DVDs the poor thing has been marginalized. May be it got jealous. May be that's how it allowed Lucifer to take over.
Last year I waited 4 months for my Loved Up VHS with Rick Warden starring in it. I love the little movie and last night I was in the mood to watch some Rick so I plugged it into the VCR only to hear some really strange noises as the tape began to play. There was a loud shriek and then a burping sound. Then the display said EJECT and kept flashing that word over and over. The belching got louder. Then out flew my Loved Up VHS, well the film/tape part of it anyway.
Like that kid from The Exorcist, my VCR started puking film all over my carpet and I watched in horror as my beloved VHS was scratched, twisted and torn up. I pressed EJECT to try to get the body of the VHS cassete out but that only seemed to make it angrier. It spewed out more film and the display said "STOP YOU BITCH!" Well, it only said STOP, but it was the tone, ya know. It seemed annoyed. I hit the power button to turn it off but it was no use. The puking continued unabated.
Finally, I reached for the plug in the surge protector. Before I could yank it out, the tape spewing stopped suddenly. I stared at the display and it said 00:00:00. I think the VCR passed out from shock and the stress of being possessed. I gently pressed EJECT and the rest of my VHS came flying out and hit me on my left breast (which is slightly smaller than the right one so any swelling I consider a Godsend).
Suddenly everything was quiet. I stared at the living room floor. The carpet was covered with mangled VHS tape and the cassette itself was lying in the middle of it. I knelt down and began to sob. 4 months of waiting gone up in smoke.
"WHY?!!! WHY RICK?!!! WHY?!!"
My sorrow quickly turned to anger. I grabbed all the film up and raised my hands above my head and looked with contempt at the VCR.
"DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! I HATE YOU RCA 4-HEAD VCR FROM WALMART!!!"
RCA- Really Craptastic Ass-lint. After screaming a few expletives at the VCR, I was exhausted and lay down on the carpet in the fetal position, covered in video tape. I woke up this morning with a stiff neck and a round imprint on my forehead from the tape spool. When I buy my new VCR, I will choose carefully. I might even bring my pastor with me.
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7 Comments
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| Piss on our lips |
| 03.23.04 (10:45 am) [edit] |
Virgin Atlantic Airways has cancelled plans to install lip-shaped urinals in the airport men's room at JFK in New York. The idea of the urinals was deemed extremely offensive by the National Organization for Women (NOW).
"If every man's dream is to piss in a woman's mouth, I'm not sure I want to live in this world," said one anonymous/fictitous woman.
Another fictitious woman was quoted as saying, "It's not likely to make any difference in men's accuracy. Even with big red lips in front of them, they'll still miss and hit the floor. So I don't really see the point of it."
How do you feel about the lip-urinals, Ladies and Gentlemen?
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14 Comments
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| At least he was honest |
| 03.22.04 (9:42 pm) [edit] |
I went to the bus stop later than usual to get home and had to wait around for a while. While there, this guy brushed past me from behind. I turned and looked at him as he walked away and he looked at me. Having sized him up from the corner of my eye, I paid him no further attention. I strained my eyes in the direction the bus would be coming from, like that would make it come any sooner.
Suddenly, I heard a "pssssst". I figured that it couldn't be anybody trying to get my attention. Must have been for someone else. Then there was another "pssssst" but louder this time. I did not turn my head but looked from the corner of my eyes and saw that it was that guy who had brushed by me. He was standing behind a bush and gestering for me to come behind the bush to talk to him. WTF? I pretended not to see him.
PSSSSSSSSSST! Hey girl! PSSSSSSST!
After that, everyone else at the bus stop was staring at me and wondering why I was ignoring this guy. So I turned and looked at him and he waved at me to join him behind the bush for a private conversation. I shook my head at him. No way was I going behind the bush to talk to some strange guy. I shook my head again and signalled that if he really wanted to talk to me, he'd have to do it in the open.
He came up and stood behind me, which I found very odd. It was like he was more interested in examining my backside that looking at my face while he told me that I looked like an African princess and he wanted to be my special friend. He said he had just moved in town and was getting used to the place. He was obviously dying to get some action. He nagged me mercilessly, asking me if I was busy right now. Then he offered me a ride home so I wouldn't have to wait on the bus. I declined politely. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him tonight. I told him I had plans, which I did (a date with my TV, a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats and an old stretched out t-shirt).
He then suggested that we meet up tomorrow and he could take me to his house to hang out.
"I just met you. I'm not going to your house. May be we can meet up to get something to eat or a movie."
"C'mon. You know what I want. We can hang out at my house. Have some fun. You're a big girl. You know what I'm talking about."
"Yeah. I'm not interested."
Then I spotted my bus coming down the street. I breathed a sigh of relief. He asked for my number and knowing that he was a foreignor I told him 867-5309, which he entered into his cell phone. Then I hopped on the bus, took my seat and never looked back.
Well, at least he was honest.
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9 Comments
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| BAND OF BROTHERS RE-AIRS!!! |
| 03.22.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
I am so happy that the History Channel bought the rights to air Band of Brothers from HBO. Now a much wider audience will get to see the critically acclaimed World War II miniseries that I have been talking about for almost 3 years. The series won numerous awards and nominations including a Golden Globe and an EMMY for best mini-series. The series forced me to have an unyielding crush on a bunch of octagenarian WWII veterans. Sad but true. Considering the shallow men that I usually drool over (see Colin Farrell), being awed and inspired by brave men from America's Greatest Generation doesn't sound like such a bad thing.
Anyway, less about me and more about the series and the real men:
This is the best mini-series made for television!!! Based on the same titled novel by the late Stephen Ambrose, the mini-series follows an elite company of paratroopers in WWII; from their training in Camp Toccoa, Georgia to D-Day, Operation Market Garden, through the Battle of the Bulge in Belgium, to the capturing of Hitler's Eagle's Nest and the end of the war. The series was produced by Spanks (a.k.a Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks) and originally aired on HBO in September of 2001.
The series stars Damian Lewis (Dreamcatcher), Ron Livingston (Office Space), Donnie Wahlberg (Boomtown), Neal McDonough (Boomtown), my beloved Rick Warden (Bravo Two Zero), Scott Grimes (Party of Five, ER), Frank John Hughes (Catch Me If You Can), Kirk Acevedo (Oz), David Schwimmer (Friends)....I could go on. There are so many characters to follow throughout the series. I really like the description of the series by Heathen of Television Without Pity:
"...They were brave men. They were complex men. And, thanks to Spanks's crack casting agents, they were also hot men. (Well, except David Schwimmer.) The Tom Hanks/Steven Spielberg-produced HBO mini-series only spanned ten episodes, but the eye candy will feed us forever: Damian Lewis, Ron Livingston, the third extra from the back in that one scene in the middle...they're all pretty. And pretty brave. Relive the World War II heroics, offensives, and friendships ripped from the Stephen Ambrose biography; then, bask in the added glow of suppressed man-love..."
The series premieres on the History Channel on Sunday, APrill 11th at 9 pm ET. Check out the HC website. However, tonight there is a Band of Brothers preview where History Channel historians will speak with the real men of Easy Company. Personally I am looking forward to seeing retired Maj. Richard Winters, who was Easy Company's companding officer for a good part of the war. That airs tonight at 7:30 pm ET.
From l to r: Guarnere (Frank John Hughes), Compton (Neal McDonough), Winters (Damian Lewis)
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10 Comments
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| From AE |
| 03.21.04 (3:02 pm) [edit] |
There once was a girl named Nat,
Who fell for a whiney, sad-sack.
His hair cut was crap.
He never wrote back,
For promptness was something he lacked.
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6 Comments
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| Mad Rush of Love |
| 03.21.04 (2:33 pm) [edit] |
She loves him and he needs to feel it.
She loves him and he must believe it.
When she speaks her heart to him
He'd better learn to let her in
It's a mad rush of love
She's burning for him
Mad rush of love
Burning from within
Can't you see the way
She moves beside
Him, now and everyday
She just can't hide
This mad rush of love
He feels the mad rush of love
No one but he is worthy of
Dying in the heat of her flame
And you know she's to blame
She's mad rush of love
She's burning for him
Mad rush of love
Burning from within
Can't you see the way
She moves beside
Him, now and everyday
She just can't hide
This mad rush of love
Now he can never let her go
He screams to let everyone know
That his girl is the one
Now we can end this song
Happy! Mad rush of love
And she's to blame....
This is honor of Craig's dominance at number one:
There once was a dude who loved pies
The sight of one would perk up his eyes
One day he ate eight
Licking each pie plate
And thought "This will go straight to my thighs!"
Love you, Craig!!
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4 Comments
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| New Avatar |
| 03.20.04 (8:05 pm) [edit] |
<---- Nat dressed as Niobe from the Matrix Reloaded (which I hated with a passion) for Halloween 2003.>
Notes:
- The hair took 2 hours to get done as I did it on my own.
- I had to take it out as soon as I got home because the nubian knots were becoming tighter and more painful as the night wore on.
- I scared 5-6 children when I stopped at the grocery store to get candy for the party.
- I was told that I looked like a World War II water mine.
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12 Comments
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| Listen Up!! |
| 03.19.04 (3:32 pm) [edit] |
Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce another friend's website:
DAFT & DEMENTED: MAL UNCENSORED
Mal loves feedback, so please let us know what you think of her site. In truth, Mal is not nearly as daft or demented as she believes. She's somewhere in between mentally unstable and clinically insane. She is nowhere near as dangerously unhinged as Jon Wright after the film tax loophole was closed in the UK (see Monkey on Crack link to the right).
As for leaving comments - GIVE GENEROUSLY!!!
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4 Comments
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| Rick Grows Up! |
| 03.19.04 (2:47 pm) [edit] |
Well, I'm not saying he's immature or anything. He's the one who made the connection:
Marriage = Growing Up
So my favorite actor, Rick Warden, (who most of you have NEVER heard of - see link on right) is getting married, real soon, he says. I'm really excited for him. Honestly, if he can't have me, he should still be allowed some measure of happiness. Right? Plus, he can now begin the process of repopulating England with his unique brand of cuteness.
Rick, last September
His single days withering away
Congrats Rick and Lucy!!!
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9 Comments
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| Cow Tipping Gone Wild |
| 03.19.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
Parts of this story are true. Parts of this story are udder fiction. You decide.
DPA - Police chasing two suspects in Costa Rica, pulled over their taxi but were stunned to find their back-seat passenger was a cow.
The two suspects were accused of stealing the cow outside the city of Heredia, just north of San Jose on March 18.
They somehow managed to force the animal into the back seat of a cab and tried to make their escape, police said.
Television images showed the cow placidly staring out of the back window of the taxi at the police officers.
The two men were taken into custody and the cow was to be given back to her owner, reports said.
Later it was discovered that the two men had been paid US$5000 to liberate the cow. The cow complained that the two seemed more interested in her "milkshake" than the money but promised to take her to a place where she would certainly be free from slaughter. Her greatest fear now is facing the other cows. While anticipating her escape she bragged "my milkshake is better than yours".
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4 Comments
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| I just don't get it |
| 03.18.04 (1:30 pm) [edit] |
And I guess I never will...
The William Hung Phenomenon
"She bangs! She bangs! Oh baby..." sung in a monotone, artless and annoying voice while shaking hips left to right closely resembling an epileptic seizure. America can't seem to get enough of this shameless and tone-deaf young man. The fact that Ricky Martin is his idol speaks volumes. I mean, WTF? When was the last time we heard something from Ricky Martin?
He was dispatched from American Idol early rounds, and rightly so, yet the public decided to give this young man an extra 15 miuntes of fame. Good for him. Bad for our ears. Everytime I see him on TV I wonder what's the motivation. Is all this happening to him because people simply love to laugh at how pathetic his voice is and he's too dumb to realize that people are mocking and exploiting his unusual dance moves? Or does he realize what is happening and has decided to ride the wave, wherever it might take him.
If you can bear to watch him sing, click here. Elton John should sue.
Then there's...
Not Fit to be a Mother: The Melissa Rowland Case
Why did this woman, after numerous warnings by doctors, refuse to have a c-section which would have saved the lives of her twins. She refused and one of the twins, a boy, was still born. Four years earlier she had been convicted of child endangerment when she punched her daughter for eating a candy bar in the store which prevented her from buying cigarettes. I can't believe that there are women out there capable of such malicious and callous behavior.
For more click here.
and finally there's...
Osama on the brain
This man in France tried to run over some guy he saw at a pedestrian crossing because he thought he was Osama Bin Laden. Seriously, I am not making this up. Click here.
People are so scared right now of terrorist threats, which is what the bastards want, that they are hallucinating and over-reacting. I'm as scared as the next person but if I saw Osama, I'd call Homeland Security on my cell phone or something. I'm not gonna run him down with my car. The man deserves to be caught alive and tortured for years. Death is too good for him.
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8 Comments
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| I've got so much things to say right now |
| 03.18.04 (12:28 pm) [edit] |
But I won't. I'm too hungover from drinking and over-eating last night. Like AE said, I took the tacky route to celebrating St. Patrick's Day. I didn't spend it quietly with my family or deep in contemplation. I spent it out with the girls and some random Army dudes we bumped into on 6th Street. I'd tell you more, but I need throw up at least 3 more times first.
Hope you had a better time out than I.
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1 Comments
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| Happy March 17th!! |
| 03.17.04 (3:33 pm) [edit] |
For whatever reason you celebrate St. Patrick's Day, whether you are a devout Catholic, or Irish or of Irish extraction, or a lover of Guinness or a lover of all things Irish (like me), or you just need an excuse to wear bright green clothing and get pissed and felt up by some random guy in bar who claims to be from Dublin - oh wait, that was last year, sorry - or you woke up this morning and have no clue what today is and are just happy to be breathing....
I raise a toast to all of you!! May God bless you, even if you don't believe in him. Oh and...
Happy Tacky Green-Wearing Day!!
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9 Comments
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| Happy Feet |
| 03.17.04 (2:29 pm) [edit] |
Another random encounter on public transportation for your reading enjoyment or not....
I got up late and missed the bus I wanted and had to wait an hour for the next. When I got on I sat in the middle and just relaxed, figuring that I was already late and it made no sense shvitzing over my status. I attempted to doze off. At the next stop a strange looking man came on. He was wearing a camouflage green shirt and extremely dirty jeans (shit-stained from the back). He sat beside me and smiled. I smiled back. I looked out the window and noticed the beautiful sky and the neatly manicured lawns as we drove by.
Suddenly I heard him say "You have nice features."
"Excuse me?"
"You have nice feet."
"Oh. Thank you." I smiled again. Then looked down at my sandals with my toes sticking out. Damn! I need a pedicure. Why did I wear sandals today?! My self-depricating thoughts were interrupted by a nudge.
"My girlfriend had nice feet." He showed me a photo of a pretty young woman hugging another man.
"She seems nice." I didn't know what else to say.
"I say she had nice feet because she died in January." He paused and looked sadly at the photo. "I used to take care of her feet. I'd soak them and rub them and scrape them. I'd even paint her nails. She had the most beautiful feet."
"I'm so sorry." Once again I was dumb.
"You can't see her feet in this photo, but trust me. They were wonderful."
"I believe you." I felt sad for him and at the same time scared of him. He seemed so creepy. I wondered how she died. I even had visions of him killing her and then painting her toe nails. Then I told myself to calm down. Just because he looks a little rough and dirty doesn't mean he could not have been in a normal loving relationship. I turned and looked at him. He was staring at my feet again.
I tucked my feet under the seat as a reflex reaction and looked out the window again. We were getting closer to my stop and I couldn't wait to get out. He nudged me again and I jumped a little in my seat.
"You have the most beautiful hands I have ever seen."
"Uh, thanks." I blushed and tried not to make eye-contact. He edged over in the seat and leaned closer to me. He smelled drenched with urine.
"Can I hold your hand? You have such pretty fingers."
"Um, no. No thanks. I don't really know you."
He reached his hand out to mine and it suddenly occured to me why he might be obsessed with hands and feet. His hands were slightly deformed; the nails thick, greenish brown and worn away; his skin was cracked and coarse and covered in liverspots. I leaned away in my seat towards the window and felt ashamed of myself. He was just a sad little man looking for something. A touch, a bit of kindness, some warmth and I couldn't find it in myself to give it to him.
I turned away and pulled the cord to stop the bus. I got off one stop early. I watched with some sadness as the bus pulled away. I saw him looking at me through the window. He looked down at my feet and smiled. I waved goodbye.
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9 Comments
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| Fantasy Basketball |
| 03.16.04 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
I made the mistake of joining Bud's fantasy basketball league. I have no interest in being a manager. I only did it because he begged me and his league needed 12 people to work. Unfortunately the group consists of all of his thug friends and one of mine that I managed to sucker into joining just so I wouldn't be alone.
Why was it a mistake? Well, my brother as the commissioner has taken advantage of his position and made some shady trades with players as well as managing the team of another player while he's on vacation while he was playing against him that week. It's embarrassing. My friend has almost gone as far as calling my brother a cheat. He has already called him a fag.
Then there's the trash-talking. You know how basketball players will say things to each other on the court to get under each other's skin. Well, my brother's thug friends have gone at it in full force spewing some of the dumbest insults I have ever heard. Most of it is targetted at my brother and my friend who happens to be leading the league. I am seriously tempted to post some of the lame ass stuff that has been said.
Well, ...
"The commish is a fag. I have pictures."
"[My Friend] ain't got no pictures, only in his head. Stop dreaming about me fool. Go play with your blow up doll. I don't want to get in the middle of this trash talk, but you people keep trashing me in the posts. Now I will leave this chat so I can play with my girlfriend."
"Ok, enough of this faggat ass bullshit. Playoffs are around the corner and some asses are definetly going to get kicked. Luckily for [My Friend] and [Some Thug] they get to sit out the first week. Good luck. To those calling the Commish a fag, go fuck yourself"
"why are morons like you even alive .. this is fantasy nba .. YOU dont do jack shit .. its players makin the big $$ who actually play .. so your team being good has nothing to do with YOU who quite obviously is a retard. Suck that drool in now bitch!! ....So quit cryin over your sorry ass you newb and take your pathetic self pitying ass back to the ghetto"
"The commish is a fag and i will kick his ass. laters"
"Yeah that's right .. kick his ass and eliminate him from the league .. no room for pussies here same goes to [My Friend] too .. boot his noob ass too .. he would'nt even know the difference his head is way up in his ass for that hahaha nah giT biatch!! Yeah i know im trailling by 4.5 games blah blah blah !!! and... "
Could they be more generic and boring! There is nothing worse than an incomplete dangling insult. It's a fantasy league. It's not real. It doesn't matter. It's not like we are playing for money or anything. Seriously, how many times can one man be called a fag? Can't they find a new insult? I'm his sister, I could lend them some of my favorites.
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5 Comments
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| St. Patrick's Day in Savannah |
| 03.16.04 (4:07 pm) [edit] |
Check out Ayn Rant's blog on the above subject. Cynical, biting and funny. Ayn at her best.
Frankly, I intend to get sauced.
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7 Comments
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| Boom Clatter Klang Bang |
| 03.16.04 (11:18 am) [edit] |
Big storm came through my area last night. It raged for about an hour and a half. Knocked out the electricity. Fortunately, my electric dildo uses size D batteries. Just kidding. I have no need for such things...
And now for something completely different....
This comes to you courtesy of crapXpix who left this work of art in my comments box:
[image]dangerkitty_127147 6983.jpg[/image]
The Toothfanny
Please vote for crapXpix as featured blog!!!
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15 Comments
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| I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell |
| 03.16.04 (10:48 am) [edit] |
Slightly disturbed - a view askew. Last night I came home and had a message from my doctor about my physical results. The message was an ambiguous "We need to discuss your results." Frankly, I wasn't expecting anything so soon and it bothered me. By the time I got home, the doctor's office was closed.
So, ever the hypochondriac, I thought I was dying or something. I spent the entire night staring at the ceiling wondering how I would break the news to my poor mother, who I would leave my DVD collection to, how I needed to clean up my apartment so that if I dropped dead my mother would not die of embarrassment at the state of my sock drawer....
I went on like this all night. Finally, morning came, the doctor's office was open and after waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I was told that I gave a poor sample and would have to give another. Yes - I managed to find a way to screw up the simple task of peeing in a plastic cup. Go me.
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6 Comments
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| Gone Fishing |
| 03.15.04 (3:06 pm) [edit] |
APOLOGY:This post has nothing to do with actual fishing. Sorry to disappoint the fishing enthusiasts who might have gotten a hard on or pointy nipples reading the title.
Actually, this is a fishing expedition in the non-literal sense. You see a few weeks ago I was watching the History Channel or Discovery or some such channel and the subject came to poisonous women. The documentary narrator stated that it was rumored that in ancient times young baby girls were taken away from their families and fed small doses of venom, building up their immunity. By the time they came of age, their bodily fluids were extremely lethal. These women were said to have been used as assassins. They were sent in as prostitutes to kill powerful men. It was rumored that one such woman was responsible for the death of Alexander the Great.
After watching the documentary, I told my brother about it. He did not believe a word. He accused me of pulling this story out of my ass. Now, I have been known to stretch the truth and make shit up but this time I was telling the truth and no one believes me. Please help me!! If you saw the program I have described or know of anything about these women (a web link would be most helpful), please send it to me. My brother has called my honor into question. Please help me to save face.
Thanks in advance.
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12 Comments
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| Doctor Doctor |
| 03.15.04 (2:16 pm) [edit] |
This Friday my brother and I both had physicals, with the usual physical examination, x-rays and samples. I'm used to being prodded and poked by strange men...er...I mean doctors and so being physically examined doesn't make me nervous. My brother on the other hand is sort of homophobic. Ok, not sort of. He is. Extremely. Thing is, there would be no pleasing him. He would be embarrassed to be examined by a female doctor. So his way of dealing with this is never to go to the doctor, even if he is near death. I was really nervous when he went into the room to be examined. He looked so awkward. I was afraid he might punch the doctor and we would be sued. He was in the room for that seems like the longest 5 minutes ever. I heard a groan and a cough and started to worry. When he came out of the examination room he had the most disgusted look on his face and was walking funny.
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah."
"You sure? You don't look it."
"I don't want to talk about it. Do me a favor?"
"Sure. What?"
"Never mention this again....to anyone!!"
I laughed and managed to get away without actually promising because I knew I wanted to blog about it. See, I'm always thinking of you, my gorgeous readers.
Later, we headed to another office to give blood and urine samples. After receiving the tiniest cup ever, I was escorted to the toilet. Once I was in, the door was locked from the outside. That raised my antenna. Then as I looked around the tiny room I noticed that the toilet tank and the sink had been taped over like a crime scene. Red tape all over read "DO NOT FLUSH" and "DO NOT USE SINK". There was no seat on the commode yet red tape was all over it saying "DO NOT LOWER SEAT". There were so many red signs and instructions for collecting the optimal sample that for the first time in history I found in hard to go. It usually helps for me to watch running water but since the sink was disabled I was out of luck. I closed my eyes and tried to envision a waterfall. Then there was a knock on the door.
"You ok in there?"
"Yes. It's taking some time to come." I felt like such
a loser.
"Alright. I'll be back to let you out in 5 minutes."
"Ok."
After finishing I had to stand around with the sample for 5 minutes, unable to wash my hands or touch anything. Being a germ freak, I found it difficult to cope. I looked around nervously as people walked past me in and out of offices and tried hard not to touch them or spill my sample. I almost started to cry. Finally, a lab tech came and took my sample and led me down a long dark hall to a tiny sink where I could wash my hands.
"Excuse me."
"Yes, Miss."
"There's no soap."
"Hold on, I'll get you some."
At this point, I began to wonder what kind of place this is. Had I chosen the right doctor, etc. I waited for another 15 minutes as the lab tech who was assisting me got side-tracked. When I was finally able to wash my hands I felt such relief. I asked him if it was really necessary to have the sink so far away and he said that it was, especially when they were taking samples for drug-testing purposes. He said people were always trying to cheat.
"Oh yeah." I said, pretending that what he said was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Are you ready for me to suck your bloooooood?" he seemed to say. I must have been delirious.
"Excuse me?" I freaked.
"Are you ready for me to take your blood?"
"Oh yeah. Sure."
That whole process was pretty quick and painless. When I met up with my brother outside he was still smarting from his physical exam and had the meanest scowl on his face.
"Never again." he muttered as we headed to the car park.
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| My stuff is MINE!!! |
| 03.11.04 (1:00 pm) [edit] |
Title brought to you by AESav. The biggest baddest shameless attention-whore.
I'm feeling like a selfish brat today. Ever pretend you don't own something just so you don't have to share it with a friend or relative for fear you'll never get it back? That's how I feel about my air mattress. Sad. Very sad. Something is seriously wrong with me. There's no way I'm telling them about my beautiful vacuum. Ugh, I sound like Smaegol. "My preciousssssss!"
See, I'm headed out of town to visit relatives and taking the mattress with me so my bro can sleep on it. Thing is, I'm afraid that my relatives might like it too much, I may not be able to take it home. Stuff like this happens all the time. I get put on a guilt trip like "Wow, we could probably use this thing more than you."
or
"It's probably gathering dust at your place anyway."
or
"Leave it with us for a while. If you ever need it, you can always call and get it."
Which means I will never see it again or when I try to get it I will have to refer to it as "the air mattress" and later on as "your air mattress" and feel like they're doing me a favor when I take it. God forbid that I choose not to take it back to them immediately. I'll get a phone call that's disguised as a "Just checking up on you" call but will turn out to be a "you done with that air mattress yet?"
It's ironic that I'm the one that's not allowed to be possessive but God forbid I should have in my possession theirs-that-used-to-be-mi ne stuff. I have no problem with communal property or family property. My problem is when my property becomes joint and then not even mine at all. Then, when I'm finally fed up with having to call and beg for my own things and I get replacements, I'll receive that dreaded phone call.
"Nat, the air mattress is done. Your cousin, Ray-ray, put a hole in it. Got another one we could borrow?...What's with the long pause?!!!.... I know you got another one. Your brother told me that you got one.... Now send it over!"
You know, I might just go over there and they might hate the mattress and I might be home-free. I'll make sure that Bud tells them that it was horrible to sleep on and leaked air. That should do it.
So selfish. UGH!
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7 Comments
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| No thanks! |
| 03.10.04 (2:01 pm) [edit] |
It's not everyday that I get to see a grown man make a complete jack ass of himself in public. It happens a lot more often than that. Every 120 seconds, I witness moronic behavior. By the time I have finished typing this post I will have witness 6-7 acts of pure idiocy and here I am surrounded by PhD students. Goes to show you that years of education mean squat when it comes to maturity.
Yesterday after attending a seminar by economist, Hal Varian, I headed to the shuttle stop to go home. While waiting I noticed this guy, dressed from head to toe in burnt orange (UT colors), staggering and tripping as he made his way towards me. He stopped in front of the garbage bin in front of me and struggled to stand upright.
Then someone sitting on a bench, seeing his distress, got up and offered him a seat. He sat down or should I say he plopped down on the bench and slumped over. He looked totally wasted. He claimed that he was tired and that he hadn't slept in a few days, hence his condition. I don't think anyone believed him. His speech was slurred and he had large deep red bags under his eyes, which he struggled to keep open.
Finally the shuttle arrived and he took a seat at the front near to where I was standing. As we got closer to home, I noticed that my fellow passenger had passed out and was snoring. The bus made a sharp turn and he leaned forward in his seat. The only thing that stopped him from falling out of his seat was his forehead bumping and rebounding off my ass. This happened quite a few times. I wanted to move out of the way so he would stop unconsciously head-butting me in the ass but I felt that if I did that he would fall over and hurt himself.
Soon we neared the first stop and the bus took another sharp turn. This time I was thrown forward and his head missed my ass and he fell forward. An acquaintance of mine stopped him short of hitting the floor which finally woke him up. He was grateful and began to speak loudly, his speech slurred but animated. Then he asked the guy across from him about the start of the Big 12 conference tournament. The poor guy tried to humor our tipsy passenger but it was no use. Soon he was chanting "Texas" at top volume waiting for someone to respond with "Fight". No one took him on.
That's when he started cursing everyone. "You all have no school spirit! You all suck!" Then he spotted a pretty girl smiling at him. I'm sure she was trying to keep herself from laughing out loud but he saw it another way. "You don't suck. You're cute." She thanked him but seemed embarrassed by his sudden attention. "Wanna go to the Arboretum with me on my scooter for dinner?"
She shook her head politely.
"Are ya sure? We could get some good Italian."
"I'm sure," she said, sounding annoyed. Then the bus came to her stop and she got off. As soon as she departed he turned his attention to another pretty girl.
"You're cute too. Wanna go have dinner with me? We can ride my scooter. It's really cool."
"No, thanks."
"You sure? Come on. It's a really cool scooter."
Then her bus stop came and she left. Then finally mine which happened to be his as well. The last thing I saw him do was rev up his little purple scooter and head down the road with his legs flared out on either side screaming "Yeehaw" or something to that effect. I honestly hope he made it home in one piece. F--king idiot!
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6 Comments
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| No CSI or March Madness for you! |
| 03.09.04 (4:13 pm) [edit] |
In what would classify as a Category 5 Nightmare for Joolie, EchoStar Communications has nixed its MTV, CBS and Nickelodeon affiliates in over a dozen cities leaving over 9 million DISH Network subscribers without their beloved Raymond, Survivor, CSI, CSI: Miami, Real World, Spongebob Squarepants and (Mommy hold me!) NCAA Basketball Tournament broadcasts!!! For more on this story click here.
This made me think about my past TV addictions. I remember about 4 years ago when I was addicted to WWE Wresting and our local UPN affiliate got nixed, my friends and I were up in arms not knowing how we would spend our Thursday nights without Smackdown. A very sad chapter in my life - not the fact that I couldn't watch but that I was actually addicted to what seems to me now to be a steriod-injected soap opera.
Anyway, all you DISH Network subscribers that have been affected, I share your pain.
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2 Comments
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| My Arithmacy |
| 03.09.04 (2:09 pm) [edit] |
Final Number = 2.
Two represents interaction, two-way communication
(as opposed to one-way) cooperation, and
balance. You are imaginative, creative, and
sweet natured. To save me from having to put
each of these in a sentence each, the following
describe you; peace, harmony, commitment,
loyalty and fairness. But there are two sides
to the coin. Twos also introduce the idea of
conflict, opposing forces, and the contrasting
sides of things; night and day, good and evil,
so on and so forth. You can be withdrawn,
moody, self-consious, and indecisive. Please
rate my quiz.
What does your name and arithmacy say about you? (some simple knowledge of adding is required on your part)
brought to you by Quizilla
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7 Comments
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| Won't you be my neighbor/neighbour? |
| 03.09.04 (1:24 pm) [edit] |
I've notice a small exodus from my apartment complex. In my building alone, of the 8 apartments on one side, 5 are vacant and have been so for at least 3 weeks. On the other side, 4 out of 8 are vacant. At first I thought it was because all the college students decided to rent houses with roommates and stuff but it's not just the college kids that have left.
The other buildings in the complex have a lot of vacancies as well. When I talk to my friends, their complexes are jam-packed and over-subscribed. The parking lot is now sparce. Used to be the case that if you came in after 6:30 pm you could hardly find parking. Now, I could own 6 cars and not have to worry about parking. Hehehe. Hmmm....
6 cars. That brings me to my next topic. I have never owned a car. Try to remain calm. Well, there was that time after I passed my driving test, when I was 17, when my brother and I shared a car but it was still in my parents' name, so it really doesn't count. I've had plenty of opportunities in the past to buy a car but chose to spend the money on something else more urgent. There's always something!
I suppose the fact that I wasn't particularly interested in driving might have had something to do with it. Driving hasn't really been a priority until recently. I have recurring nightmares of running over an old lady at a crosswalk. Unlike my brother, I never got excited by a car commercial, no matter how many times that DAMNED SUV/TRUCK WOULD DRIVE THROUGH A MUD PATCH OR TOW SOME ENORMOUS BOAT UP A STEEP GRADE. Zoom zoom? Yeah, ok; that was catchy but the kid was annoying.
The only car I have ever been interested in is the little Morris "Mini" Cooper S. Completely impractical, yes, but it's something isn't it?
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7 Comments
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| Coo' : It's about bloody time!!! |
| 03.08.04 (5:03 pm) [edit] |
Finally, AESav.net is up and running again. After an almost 4 month absence from the internet, AE brings back her unique brand of sarcasm and cynicism to the web that has obviously suffered without her. So for those of you who like a better bitter beer, check out her site and click on the daily blog too.
Daily, my cute pert ass!!! AE believes in quality over quantity, so don't expect another update for at least another 4 months. Just kidding. I kid because I can.
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3 Comments
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| Justified |
| 03.08.04 (3:29 pm) [edit] |
Today is Giantsfan's birthday and like a supportive friend I indulged his recent insanity by gifting him Justin Timberlake's solo-debut CD, Justified. It's currently playing in the office CD player, much to his pleasure. I am VERY happy for him. VERY HAPPY. HAPPY, damn it!!
I am tempted to go downstairs and ask the receptionist with long-nails to scrape her hands across a chalk board just to make sure that I have not lost the ability to recognize noise pollution when I hear it.
On another note, Saturday was the National Pig Day party. Porkina and Mr. Pigsley were a huge success. My friends expressed concerns about my mental health when I told them I spent 6 hours making the pig-paraphernalia. Chris, the birthday girl, was dressed in her pink customade Miss Piggy t-shirt. The Fast One baked pig-shaped sugar cookies.
Everybody wore something pink except for the gents and I. I wore a blouse that turned out to be more orange than pink. We sang Happy National Pig Day instead of Happy Birthday to Chris as she cut into a large triple-layered pig-shaped cake. I got to eat the hoof. As a relative lightweight when it comes to alcohol I was drunk before midnight and made about 6 trips to the restroom, knocking over furniture, cups and plates and the odd person.
Overall, it was a good night. I'd give the resulting hangover a 6.8 out of 10 on the Charles Bukowski scale.
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3 Comments
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| You know who you are |
| 03.08.04 (12:38 am) [edit] |
I don't need to mention any names. Just know this -
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
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6 Comments
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| With love from me to you |
| 03.08.04 (12:33 am) [edit] |
Da da da da da dum dum da
Da da da da da dum dum da
If there's anything that you want
If there's anything I can do
Just call on me and I'll send it along
With love from me to you
Well now that you mention it John, Paul, George and Ringo, there are a few things...
1. A spa day with Colin Farrell
2. A ticket to "Oprah's Favorite Things 2004"
3. An hour with Donald Trump, hair dye and a pair of scissors.
4. A lunch with Fox executives in which I tell them to sod off for cancelling Firefly and Keen Eddie to make room for tits-and-ass reality shows and American (Moron) Idol.
5. An underwire bra that doesn't dig into my ribs after a few hours.
6. 8 weeks in the UK touring the countryside and luggage large enough for me to smuggle my own toyboy/love-slave home.
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2 Comments
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| New look |
| 03.06.04 (1:01 am) [edit] |
A glass of O.J., toast, news and natblog...every morning!
Well, I've changed the look of Natblog, again. :D
Hope you like what you see. If not, please be gentle and whisper your displeasure (nothing bold or caps).
The background is the result of a heinous experiment with photoshop and some new brushes. The new banner is courtesy of Mal. Thanks sweet Mallita! The inspiration for change really came from AE who has been retooling her website and complained that she was getting tired of listening to my Norah Jones background music after 2 weeks. I can never get tired of that girl singing. She could sing the phone book to me. Plus I was making people hungry for orange popsicles and sherbert. Speaking of Sherbert, he sends his love.
G'night!
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15 Comments
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| No pig would be complete without a date! |
| 03.05.04 (1:08 pm) [edit] |
I had enough craft supplies to make two pigs and since my favorite bible story is Noah's Ark, I made Miss Porky a companion. His name is Mr. Pigsley.
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8 Comments
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| Babe: Pig in My Sitting Room |
| 03.05.04 (12:19 am) [edit] |
Made this craft pig for a friend's pig-themed birthday bash from pink plastic plates, foam and glue. Her birthday happens to coincide with National Pig Day.
I decided not to make a plane old Norma-Jean pig so I added make-up and platinum blonde hair. OOooooeeeeh here piggy piggy piggy!! Miss Piggy, eat your heart out!
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4 Comments
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| Crawford Texas says "No thanks" to Girl Scout Cookies |
| 03.04.04 (4:03 pm) [edit] |
"I don't want my daughter learning about masturbation and how to put a condom on a boy from the Girl Scouts! That's something she should learn in the privacy of our home!" said one anonymous/fictitious mother.
Some families in Crawford, Texas, the Prez's home away from the White House, are boycotting Girl Scout cookies and have pulled their daughters from Girl Scout troops to protest the organizations relationship with Planned Parenthood. It seems that the protest has backfired as cookie sales have skyrocketed. For more information on this story click here.
Do you feel that the families overreacted? Share your views, please.
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10 Comments
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| Smoke Kills |
| 03.04.04 (2:03 pm) [edit] |
According to this commercial, smoking is to blame for the Lewinsky Saga, 9/11, the sinking of the Titanic among other things....
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2 Comments
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| In Your Grocer's Freezer |
| 03.03.04 (4:17 pm) [edit] |
I've just come back from the grocery store. Got myself some Special K, tomatoes, green beans and grapes. My last stop was at the dairy section. So there I was staring at the wide variety of milk products - whole milk, low-fat, 2%, 1%, fat-free, lactose free with soy protein, vitamin A&D added, soy milk, low-fat soy milk, fat-free soy milk, dairy creamer, low-fat dairy creamer, chocolate milk, choclate soy milk, 2% fat chocolate soy milk.....I could go on. I ended up getting fat-free milk. As I turned away to head to the cashiers, I bumped into this elderly gentleman's shopping cart.
"Excuse me." I said in an apologetic voice.
"That's alright, darlin'" he said smiling. Then he blew a kiss at me and winked.
By reflex, I smiled and blushed and walked away. When I got to the cashier and started unpacking my stuff onto the conveyer, I thought "What the f--k?"
I mean, he was at least 75, and probably has grandchildren my age. Then I thought about it some more and told myself "Lighten up, you tight-assed puritan!"
I was smiling to myself all the way home.
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14 Comments
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| Isn't the internet swell :lol: |
| 03.03.04 (12:24 pm) [edit] |
According to my email inbox, I can lose 20 lbs in 3 weeks, get rid of cellulite and stretch marks, get bigger and firmer breast, get larger and stay hard longer, refinance my mortgage, get debt free, get a $4000 emergency loan even if I have bad credit or no credit history at all, apparently someone has a crush on me, Paris Hilton wants me to see her naked (that I believe), the secrets to success are in this attachment I must immediately download, and if I send this guy in Nigeria my account number and bank routing number and transfer $3000 into his account he will put $300,000 in my bank account just for helping him launder millions of dollars.
Wish things were that easy. :P
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7 Comments
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| Water Cooler Talk |
| 03.02.04 (2:35 pm) [edit] |
Shameless Attention-Whore: Would you break up with me if I once dated Fabio?
AE: If I were a man, or your gun-toting lesbian lover?
Shameless Attention-Whore: yeah
AE: yeah what? :-D
Shameless Attention-Whore: yeah both
AE: If I were a guy...no, because obviously if Fabio didn't do it for you, something must be wrong with Fabio (since he's a "dream guy" or whatever)...and PLUS, if you were hot enough to bang Fabio, no way I'm letting you go
Shameless Attention-Whore: Fabio sucks
AE: Now, if I were a lesbian, I'd assume Fabio's the one who turned you off men, and I'd be just as happy with that; so, no, I wouldn't dump you even if I was a gun-toting lesbian.
Shameless Attention-Whore: the dude on Average Joe broke up with Larissa cuz she banged Fabio
AE: Is she hot enough to have banged Fabio?
AE: Then he's a dumbass, and all his friends will make fun of him
Shameless Attention-Whore: Absolutely
AE: He's a dumbass.
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4 Comments
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| Quote of the Day |
| 03.02.04 (1:53 pm) [edit] |
This is sort of cheating since I am quoting myself, but it's my blog....
"If I find a man attractive he is either fictional or gay or married/dead, or in another time zone/alternate dimension or emotionally castrated or self-involved or blind/immune to my beauty/charm or incredibly stupid not to realize that I am the best thing that will ever happen to him or some british actor who prefers blondes or an octagenarian World War II hero or Steve Buscemi or all of the above and invariably AE will tell me he has a crap haircut. So I should just give up and start dating women. Thing is I would make a terrible lesbian, seeing that women do nothing for me sexually and if I do think a woman is hot I'll probably be extremely bitchy to her since she looks better than I do in stretch pants. So where does that leave me?"
-- Natblog from In theory I should be Queen rant delivered on Friday October 31, 2003.
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9 Comments
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| I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you about my sex life....it's icky! |
| 03.01.04 (4:05 pm) [edit] |
Previously appeared on M-blog/natblog Sunday, July 20, 2003.
So I'm online chatting with my brother and usually after we talk about the weird noises, strange phone calls and the rumors of fraud circulating about him on the internet, we end up talking about his social life. He'll complain about being frustrated. He says there are endless options, only his "options" aren't interested. Then there's the girl that got away that I have to keep hearing about. Can't he move on? They dated for 2 weeks 9 months ago and she had a third nipple. I try to be the supportive sister but sometimes I enjoy being brutal - I'll tell him his options aren't interested cuz he's a big-ass whino. That usually stems the flood of self-pity and then he'll say macho things like "Who needs 'em?" and "They're lucky I even look at them" and my personal favorite "They're probably no better than my left hand." At this point I leave my computer to drink a Red Stripe and try not to throw up. Then finally he asks the dreaded question.
"So what about you?"
Then after the long silence, "Nat? You still there? You ok."
Then I explain to him that I'm not looking. He gasps in shock and I explain that I'm not uninterested, I'm just not actively seeking. No nightclubs, no coffee shops, no online dating, no bible study, no christian-singles/seniors -bingo night, no cruising the fruit section, no latenight phone calls to ex-boyfriends, no blind dates, no nothing. If I just happen to bump into somebody and we hit if off - great! I'm not pushing it. Then he says,
"Ok so you're not looking for love. What about sex? You're at least interested in that?"
UGH!! That's when I call it quits and just tell him "I've got something on the stove and I have to do laundry and return some DVD rentals and feed the cat - wait I don't have a cat - I mean water the ivy." Like a good brother, he can take a hint and lets me off the hook. I enjoy our talks but there are just some images I don't want in my head and other images I don't want to put in his head. You know what I mean? It's just too icky.
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5 Comments
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| Suddenly Sick |
| 03.01.04 (3:02 pm) [edit] |
Ugh! I was doing so well. I had gone through the semester so far without one sick day. Alas, today I woke up and wished I hadn't. I feel like Marlon Brando has been sitting on my chest while I was asleep. As for my nose, let's just say that a river runs through it. My limbs feel like I ran a marathon the day before. My muscles are weak and rubbery....:oops:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...I see you rolling your eyes!! Everybody gets the flu. I know. I swear it's been stalking me for months, looking for a moment of weakness to strike, then last night, I had too much tequila and I was out in the cold air and wham!!!! I wake up feeling like a mysterious cat crapped in my mouth. BLECH!! :(
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4 Comments
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