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| Hiatus |
| 04.30.04 (11:48 am) [edit] |
Natblog is officially on vacation until the end of the semester which is in a couple weeks. Nat needs to buckle down and finish writing papers. Nat may occasionally pop in to write to say she is not dead and lying in a pool of her own blood. Otherwise, Nat will be uncharacteristically silent.
Nat: I'll be missing you! I also promise to stop talking about myself in the third person.
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7 Comments
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| McConversation |
| 04.28.04 (5:21 pm) [edit] |
Nat: Wonder what kind of McJob McJon got?
AESav: Wonder when I'll McCare?
Nat: Wonder when you'll McGet-off-your-high-horse -slash-soapbox?
AESav: Wonder when you'll realize Tyjon is practically McMarried-and-not-for-you ?
AESav: And neither is McRafi!
AESav: But
AESav: Giantsfan
AESav: on the other hand...eh, still isn't ;-)
Nat: Giantsfan is McWhipped by his McGirlfriend
AESav: lol
AESav: So is Tyjon
AESav: TOTALLY McWhipped.
Nat: Plus Giantsfan is totally not my McType
AESav: Even with the McCrap Haircut.
Nat: He shaved his head to look like Lance McArmstrong
AESav: ::McBarfs::
Nat: This convo is so McFunnyt
AESav: <---McLaughs >Nat: -t
AESav: ;-)
AESav: Damn, all convos should be McConvos.
AESav: It's so much McFunnier.
Nat: I McAgree
AESav: Or is it MacGree?
AESav: ;-)
Nat: It's up to McYou
Nat: Wish I could McBlog this McConvo
AESav: Btw...did I tell you about Peter O'Meara?
Nat: No you McDidn't
AESav: The new pictures from the awards and the way his McName is pronounced?
Nat: How is it pronounced, McDarling?
AESav: It's like Jason O'Mara
AESav: O'Meara = O'Mara
AESav: McDamn it. I've been pronouncing it wrong the whole McTime.
Nat: McFigures. Bloody McIrish!
AESav: I McSwear.
AESav: Ever Damn McDay! ;-)
AESav: *every ;-)
Nat: Save the McConvo
Nat: Don't think I will McEdit it at all
Nat: Even the McMistakes are funny.
AESav: That should be McFun
AESav: Gonna McBlog it?
Nat: What say you? I dunno, think Giantsfan will be offended by the McComment?
Nat: I mean he is McWhipped but he might not like McReading it.
AESav: Who gives a shit about McGiantsfan's reading your McBlog?
AESav: Tell him he can avert his McEyes!
Nat: I do. I have to see him every McDay
Nat: If I say that he'll McDefinitely look at it
AESav: Then don't McTell him.
AESav: See if he finds it for his McSelf.
Nat: Alright, I'm McDoing it!
AESav: McSweet!!
Nat: Ok, so when will the McMadness end?
AESav: Right McNow.
AESav: McGym. McHome.
Nat: McByeeeeeee
Nat: xxxxxxx
AESav: McOooooooooo! :-D
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11 Comments
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| I do not heart Vending Machines |
| 04.28.04 (3:54 pm) [edit] |
Vending machines are supposed to be a convenient way for lovers of soda, bottled water, candy and snacks to get their groove on without having to go to a store. They're convenient when they f--king work, otherwise they are thieving cold-hearted dumbass pieces of metal and hard plastic that are put on this earth for the sole purpose of raising my blood pressure. Oh, and let's not forget that if you try to fight back, they will tip over and crush you to your death!
So today, I went to the evil bi-otch of a vending machine we have downstairs to buy some Sprite (****the official softdrink of Natblog - Obey your thirst!*****). I put my dollar into the slot. It was immediately rejected. I searched my purse for a newer dollar bill. Placed it in the slot. Rejected. I turned it upside down and placed it in the slot. Rejected. I turned it rightside up and turned it around. Accepted. I pressed the button for Sprite (****the official softdrink of Natblog - Obey your thirst!*****). The machine burped, moaned and clanked. My change fell out. Then another burp and a headache-inducing high-pitched beep. No drink.
So I did what we all do. I stuck my hand up the machine's ass (if you think about it, that's what the dispenser does - swallows your money and shits out soda cans). I tried to feel around to see if my drink was stuck. Nothing.
Suddenly, the Pepsi guy rolled in with a dolly full of Pepsi products. He asked me what happened.
"The Coke machine took my money, gave me change, but no drink. Sniffle, I want my Mommy....I mean money!"
"Well, I wish I could help you but that ain't my machine."
He then pointed to the number on the machine and said to call it and ask for a refund. Yeah, I'm gonna call long-distance for a 60 cent refund. Just as I was walking away, the Pepsi guy stopped me.
"Here, have a Mountain Dew on me!"
"Aww thanks." I took the Mountain Dew (****the NEW official softdrink of Natblog - Do the Dew!*****) and headed back to my office quite pleased with myself. That evil Coke machine can kiss my (rather large) ass.
![]() =http://img34.photobucket.com/...
Image courtesy of Krazed One.
Thanks!
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11 Comments
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| The Daily Snail (well, not really daily) |
| 04.28.04 (2:13 pm) [edit] |
WACKO JACKO ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
The Nation of Islam made this shocking announcement Wednesday at a press conference held at the Neverland Ranch in the wee ours of the morning. They said that Mr. Jackson, who stands accused of child molestation, was taken up in the skies in a "big big big flying saucer" and that he has not in fact fled the country to avoid prosecution. "We pray that our brother Michael will be returned to us safely along with his original skin and nose."
GIRL TELLS PARENTS "I'M NOT A VIR-VIR-VERMONT RESIDENT"
Annette Fruity-Jello, 15, of Bootietown MA told her parents Paula and Gian-Carlo that she was not a Vermont resident in dramatic fashion last night. The teenager had returned home at 12:15 am, one hour and fifteen minutes past her curfew after a date with the captain of the football team, Drew Bloodytoe. Her father asked her where she had been, what she had been up to and asked what kind of girl she thinks she is. Miss Fruity-Jello's response lead to her being grounded for a month and the confiscation of her notebook computer and cellphone.
LESBIAN SPANK INFERNO TOP SELLING PORNO OF ALL-TIME
Dick Darlington of Thrillboard Porno Charts reports that in the last year, the BBC's Coupling spin off, Lesbian Spank Inferno, has remained on the top Thrillboard Porno Charts of a record 32 consecutive weeks. The previous record holder was Debbie Does Delaware, the sequel to Debbie Does Detroit which was the sequel to Debbie Does Dukakis which was the sequel to Debbie Does Demi which was the sequel to......which was the first sequel to Debbie Does Dallas.
Remember Rick Springfield? I sure don't
We asked woman of different ages and social standing to recount their fondest memories of the singer of Jesse's Girl and found that very few people remember the 80's heartthrob, including yours truly. Do you remember Rick?
GEICO Gecco tesitifies before Senate Committee for Animal Actors in Television
After weeks of stalling and posturing, the green lizard-like creature agreed to testify before Congress. He had nothing surprising to say. Mr. Gecco simply took the company line. "You could save alot on your car insurance with GEICO."
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
Weather
Yesterday was hot and humid and the day before that (which we think was Monday) was also hot and humid. I recall that Sunday was really a wet day. Couldn't do my laundry - frickin' hail storms! Last week was mostly cloudy with highs in the upper 70's. Tomorrow, the weekends - who knows? What do you take me for - a bloody psychic?
FOR SALE: Bag full of body fat from the producers of FOX's The Swan. $300 OBO.
Single Killer Whale seeking mate to shag and produce offspring that will be sold into slavery and shipped to another aquarium theme park. Contact Bubba at SeaWorld San Antonio.
70 year old stripper seeks employment. Will perform at stag parties, nursing homes and bar mitzvahs. $5.50/hour.
You tall geeky guy with crap haircut in elevator. Me saucy girl with big butt. Let's meet for coffee. 555-FARK.
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2 Comments
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| 27 going on 14 |
| 04.27.04 (4:49 pm) [edit] |
Physically, I'm 27 but emotionally, I feel around 14. I mean, I still sleep with my teddy bear and I collect beanie babies...and I'm as much self-centered as I have ever been. Sad, but true.
Today, The Fast One wants to see 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner, who I cannot believe is 32 years old. She looks like she's in her early 20's. The idea of the film made me wonder what it would be like to go in reverse. What if I went back to 1990 knowing everything I know now?
Oooooh! I could see it now. Those mean bullies at school wouldn't know what hit them. I'd make Michael R. eat his own shit!!! I wouldn't pay those pretentious snobby girls any attention and I'd appreciate my friends a whole lot more. I had such a tight little group of friends. My Dad dubbed us "The Gang of Five". As an adult I have never been able to bond as closely with my friends as I did as a teenager. Even when I go home and see my old school friends, we're not as close anymore. Plus, I'd invest in Microsoft.
If you had the chance to go back in time to change one event in your past, what would it be? Forget about all the space-time continuum stuff and how changing one event would unravel your whole future and may be your entire existence.
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16 Comments
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| Ready or Not |
| 04.27.04 (1:57 pm) [edit] |
Ready or Not.
Here I come.
You can't hide.
I see you watching me,
Watching you,
Watching me walk by.
One way or another,
I'm gonna find ya.
I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha!
Every step you take,
Every move you make,
I'll be watching you.
Who are you?
Who who who who?!
I won't be fooled again.
SBF seeking part-time stalker. If things go well there is the possibility for promotion to full-time work. $3.50/hour plus tips.
Almost new breast implants. Were used on ABC's Extreme Makeover but were removed when patient wished to upgrade to a larger cup-size. $4500 OBO.
Lime Green four-legged penis-shaped creature born in 2003 seeks birth-parents. Call 1-800-SHERBERT.
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2 Comments
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| Give me rum or give me death!!! |
| 04.26.04 (12:31 pm) [edit] |
Captain Jack Sparrow screamed his campaign battle cry from atop the mast of the Black Pearl where the National Pirate Party Convention was being held over the weekend. Despite the release of the scandalous video and photos last week, Captain Jack received the Party's nomination easily. In his acceptance speech he remarked on the uncanny resemblance between President Bush and the late Captain Barbosa. "They were both cursed."
Scroll over images to hear from the Captain
The theme at the convention was a pirate's paradise. The alcohol flowed freely as ample-bossomed wenches handed out pints of ale and rum to convention attendees dressed in their best and brightest pirate regalia. Sword fights broke out on numerous occasions, and one man lost his peg-leg in a bet. Captain Jack looked as shiny and handsome as ever with his new gold and diamond encrusted porcelain veneers. Rumor has it that the Captain spent a whopping 30 Spanish gold dubloons on his extensive dental work to get ready for the campaign.
On the last night of the convention, Captain Jack announced to the surprise of no one, that Will Turner was to be his running-mate. Mr. Turner then ascended the mast to chants of "Billy Bland Bottom! We don't need no Billy Bland Bottom!" Angered by the crowd's disrespect for his friend, Captain Jack silenced the crowd by peeing on their heads and in their mugs of ale. He then said, "The boy may be bland and boring but he'll make a heck of a pirate when I'm finished with him!" The crowd cheered in approval.
The Captain spent the rest of the night drinking and chasing the afore mentioned wenches and singing pirate songs until his voice went at about 2am. Captain Jack plans to spend 500 Spanish dubloons on tv commercials between now and November.
Scroll over images to hear from the Captain
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0 Comments
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| Sherbert Returns! |
| 04.24.04 (1:32 pm) [edit] |
Hi Everybody!!!
Remember me? I've been on a world tour trying to find my birth parents. So far no one will claim me. Java the Hun denies having any sort of relationship with a Llama. So I've come on Nat's blog to ask the question:
Are You My Mommy?
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9 Comments
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| Friday Afternoon Thoughts |
| 04.23.04 (4:23 pm) [edit] |
Another week is coming to an end and I find myself with a few minutes to contemplate my existence. A few thoughts popped into my head.
:P The First Cut is the Deepest
How is it that I have gone through my entire life without owning a Sheryl Crow CD? The woman is amazing, inspiring and freakin' hot!
:shock: I Love Dick
(Straight from AE's lips)
I love Dick too... Dick Winters, that is. Well, Major Richard Winters to be exact. Why is it taking so long for them to give him his Medal of Honor?
:lol: Elevators
Why do I get so nervous when I'm on an elevator with other people, even if I know them. I'm not particularly claustrophobic. I just find myself looking at them and grinning like a complete idiot. I also find it necessary to talk in the elevator to the point where I can't shut up even when I'm talking about something very personal and there's a stranger in the elevator with us.
Worst Elevator Babbling Moment - Got on the elevator with Mr. Picky, Shagman and a female professor. We passed the janitor on the way in and he was putting on plastic gloves and he gave Mr. Picky a big-ass smile. So I said on the elevator. "When you go back down, don't forget to turn your head to the side and cough." UGH! Shagman and Mr. Picky were speechless and the female professor looked disgusted. Score one for the Nat-bat!
:? The Swan
I'm sorry that show is FUBAR!!!. I was engrossed like everbody else and repulsed by the whole idea of these extreme makeovers. The show feels perverse and just plain wrong. I remember feeling lightheaded and vomitacious as they played the theme music and the ladies saw themselves for the first time in 3 months. It felt like the Twilight Zone - anyday now Cindy is gonna wake up and the spell will be lifted and her "witch" nose will have grown back. Not a fan.
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4 Comments
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| Sleepwalking |
| 04.23.04 (11:39 am) [edit] |
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I woke up this morning with a strange bruise on my chin and back pain. What the hell was I doing in my sleep lastnight?
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6 Comments
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| Give Peas A Chance |
| 04.22.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
Let there be peas on earth
And let it begin with me...
Today is Earth Day and what better way to take care of the environment than to sit with family and friends and enjoy Green Peas. Green Peas has been around a long time, providing nutrients to millions across the globe while promoting higher human emissions standards. The consumption of Green Peas has single-handedly reduced the rate of erosion of the ozone layer by producing cleaner human gases. Green Peas is at the forefront of every environmental issue. Green Peas helped to rescue and feed the thousands of species of wildlife that were affected by the Exxon -Valdez oil spill. Green Peas alone cannot keep the world safe from harmful human emissions. Green Peas needs your help. Bring Green Peas into your home to your family!!
Peas Out!!
For more information on the Green Peas Initiative please click on the link below to listen to the Green Peas anthem sung by Rick "Dylan" Warden.
Please Please Please....try peas
This Fantabulous Green Peas Poster was made by the Audacious AE of AESav Dot Net.
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6 Comments
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| I would be so embarrassed |
| 04.21.04 (3:26 pm) [edit] |
Monday I went to the grocery store to buy a few items and get a roll of quarters for the laudromat. After paying for milk, cereal and other items I went to the customer service desk to purchase a roll of quarters. The line was two persons long so I was pleased. Plus, as I got to the line, 7 people came up behind me so I thought I had excellent timing. The guy at the desk was paying his light bill with a check and that took about 2 minutes to get done. Then the lady infront of me turned to her side and pulled a large cart filled with boxes to the counter. I gasped in shock.
She had about 5 boxes worth of small packages to return. Apparently she had a party for a child and not as many people as she thought showed up. She had at least 60+ items from party favors to plates and forks to return. I watched as the customer service rep scanned each and every item and swiped the ladies credit card for the refund. Then things didn't add up and it was because the lady had purchased these items on 3 different trips to the store - so 3 receipts to deal with. Plus she had used 3 different credit cards. So then they had to match each item to the corresponding receipt and credit card. After that was done, there were still 4 items that could not be matched to a receipt. After much confusion and back and forth, the lady admitted that she had bought those at a different store but the same chain and should be allowed to return them. She had no receipt and so an argument ensued.
I looked behind to complain to someone and suddenly realized that I was the only person left standing in line. Everyone else must have bolted once they saw her pull out the cart and the dumbass I am, I just stood there waiting. Finally, the customer rep agreed to accept the last 4 items but could only give the lady a store credit. After all this, I began to motion forward, figuring that this lady was finished at the counter.
I stopped dead in my tracks when she pulled out her check book and an envelope. She needed to pay her cable and telephone bill but she only had the coupon for the cable. So she needed the customer service rep to call the phone company. At this point I sighed. LOUDLY.
Everyone seemed to turn and look at me. I didn't mean to be so loud. So, I slowly walked away and left the store. My laundry can wait.
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7 Comments
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| Spam Email from My Beloved Cousin |
| 04.21.04 (2:10 pm) [edit] |
I get these everyday. Sometimes my family members will send me 12 of these a day and sometimes I get the same one from 12 different relatives who are too lazy to check the "sent to" box on the emails they recieve. The email below was first sent to me by my uncle who sent it to my brother and I, then my brother sent it to me and my cousins, then both my cousins forwarded it to me and their mother. This morning I opened up my inbox to find that their mother had sent it to me and her other child, my cousin, who sent it to me 5 minutes ago. So if you count it up, I've recieved this email 6 times in the last 8 hours. UGH!!!!
Now I'll pass it along to you. Vicious cycle...I realize the only way to avoid recieving this email again is to forward it to everyone in my address book so they will no without a shadow of a doubt I GOT THIS BLEEDIN' MESSAGE ALREADY!!!
Message:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
4 The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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4 Comments
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| A bird in the hand .... |
| 04.20.04 (3:40 pm) [edit] |
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Know what? I think I'll just stick with my cyber-hubby. You know who you are. At least you are never a disappointment to me.
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7 Comments
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| New Crap at the Kitty Shop |
| 04.20.04 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
Another shameless piece of self-promotion:
I've added a few new items at the Dangerkitty Shop on Zazzle.com. Let me know which ones you like and which ones you think belong in the sewers of hell. Don't worry about offending me. I take criticism fairly well and I need to wheedle out what will sell and what is just bullshit. Often I find myself scraping the bottom of a slothful pit for ideas. So feel free to rip me a new a-hole. Thanks.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
Note: Sorry but Zazzle.com still does not sell black t-shirts. They say that the printing technology that allows them to print so many vivid colors does not work so well on dark materials. However, they are doing research in that area in the hopes of providing darker colored apparel.
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5 Comments
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| Scandal Rocks Captain Jack's Presidential Campaign |
| 04.19.04 (4:45 pm) [edit] |
Recently, a tabloid magazine published photos of 2004 Presidential hopeful, Captain Jack Sparrow of the National Pirate Party (NPP), with his campaign security adviser, Will Turner, in a compromising position. Later CNN broadcasted a video with the two men adding to the speculation that Captain Jack and Mr. Turner are in love and that should Jack be elected President, that Mr. Turner would be the first male First Lady in America's history.
Captain Jack's campaign spokeswoman and current flame, Mal, denied any knowledge of such a relationship and stated that, "Jack might wear eye-liner and walk daintily but he's not gay...not that there is anything wrong with that! Jack has always been deeply in touch with his feminine side and I think people aren't used to his pirate values and manners."
She also added that Mr. Turner and Captain Jack are very close and that Mr. Turner is happily married to Elizabeth Swan and the two are expecting a child in September. Captain Jack has been asked to be the child's Godfather. "Remember that Will saved Jack's life back in Port Royal. He holds Will in the highest regard."
Here's a clip from the video. Judge for yourselves.
At a recent press conference, before the photos and the video were released, Captain Jack was asked to express his view on gay rights. In typical fashion Jack responded "Love is love and money is money. If he's got the gold to share, I'll marry him! As you can see by my teeth, I'm high-maintenance."
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9 Comments
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| Do you think I got carried away? |
| 04.19.04 (2:19 pm) [edit] |
- I wrote my first name and his lastname out in toothpaste in my bathroom sink.
- I made a composite sketch of our features to see what our kids would look like.
- I haven't washed the shirt I met him in as it has his smell all over it.
- I plucked two dozen daisies, saying "He loves me. He loves me not."
- I only drank water and ate a banana the day of our date so I wouldn't feel fat.
- I shaved...ahem.
- I vacuumed the ceiling of my apartment just in case he decided to come over.
- I lied that I didn't own a copy of Band of Brothers so I wouldn't have to lend it to him.
- I dialed all but the last digit of his phone number seven times and hung up.
- I saved a piece of the dessert we ordered for dinner and put it in my freezer so that next year on our anniversary it will be there.
Seriously, I didn't do all of the above mentioned things but the fact that I thought of them is sad in itself.
God help him.
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6 Comments
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| Smitten Schmitten |
| 04.18.04 (12:43 pm) [edit] |
I hate him!! I hate him and his "I think you'd make a cool best friend."
Ugh! Friends I got aplenty (and I am grateful).
Woe is me.
So Friday, he spent the entire evening being extremely charming and totally edible. He was humble, he was sweet and best of all he had a sarky and bitter sense of humor that kept me in stitches constantly. Nobody could beat this guy at a "bitch and moan" contest. Not even yours truly. He even had a crap haircut.
He was perfect.
So I went home feeling like this would be the beginning of something wonderful but just as luck would have it (my luck, anyway), this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship for him.
He called me yesterday and said, "I think we should hang out more often. You make a great drinking buddy."
"Drinking buddy?"
"Yeah...."
And then he said the famous words I quoted up top. UGH! Oh and apparently Friday night wasn't a date...we were just hanging out...and to think I wore a frickin' skirt and make-up. I HATE MAKE-UP!
I hate him...I hate him... and we're meeting for drinks next week, but only because he's buying.
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7 Comments
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| Kill Bill Vol. 2 |
| 04.16.04 (12:03 pm) [edit] |
Last night, Shagman, his lovely girlfriend, Mr. Picky and I were one of the few in America to see the double feature of Kill Bill Vol. 1 shortly followed by Vol. 2. As the Alamo Drafthouse owner said, no one could understand Miramax's decision to only allow the double feature in 2 theaters throughout the US. After viewing Vol. 2, I understand why.
THERE IS NO COMPARISON.
Vol. 2 feels like a dragged out epilogue to Vol. 1. There's more dialogue, the kind that only Mr. Tarantino could write but as Mr. Picky said, "Who needs to see that shit? We need more butt-kicking and gratuitous shots of Uma's pert little ass."
Vol. 2 could be seen as a cool stylized revenge flick, heavy on character development and not at all a bad movie - on it's own. However, watching it immediately following Vol. 1, one cannot help but feel disappointed or even cheated. Yes, Vol. 1 was a bloodfest, but Vol. 2 although it had it's share of violence, just doesn't satisfy the bloodlust built up by the first film. You're expecting everyone to die and lie in a pool of their own blood with their limbs lying all over the place but alas, Tarantino takes the "been there done that" attitude and says "hold up, let's talk this out."
There are a few great moments. Pai Mei, played by the same man who plays the leader of the Crazy 88s, is every Kung Fu master cliche embodied in a single master and I guess that was the point. I loved him. I also liked Michael Madsen as Budd, Bill's brother and member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Mr. Picky on the other hand, wasn't buying this warm and fuzzy version of Madsen, he's still trying to keep clean underwear after watching Madsen inReservoir Dogs. Sigh! The good old days. Elle Driver, played to perfection by Daryl Hannah, was awesome. Folks, she ain't no mermaid!! Her catfight with the Bride, Uma Thurman, will not be soon forgotten. MEOW!! HISSSSS!!
The biggest disappointment I have to say is, um...the man...you know...the whole point of the entire frickin' movie franchise...that prick...Bill.
Tarantino, you built me up
And then you let me down
But I'm still around
And I love you still.
Don't build me up like that again
And then let me down.
Quentin, don't break my heart!
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4 Comments
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| A Message from the Fantasy League Champion |
| 04.15.04 (5:25 pm) [edit] |
His Gracious Eminence, after winning the league finals last night, decided to give a speech. Bottomline: he is as subtle as a man using a jack-hammer to drive a pin up the crack of your ass.
who da champ?
by: The Peoples Elbow Apr 15, 10:42 am CDT
8-0 baby and that's the bottom line cause The People's Elbow said so...
I dont fuck around man.
I would like to take a moment to deliver a Champions Speech
umm ehmmm
Well...
For all you lewseers out there better luck next time.
I hope I have taught you a valuble lesson in this season and that being.... never - ever - eva eva eva eva eva eva --- evaa piss off The People's Elbow.
The People's Elbow gona do what The People's Elbow gona do.
I would like to give a shoutout to all the bad ass nizzlez in muh team who kicked ass
muh 2 tigers in chicago .. wassup ya'll
to all the lewser nba playaz who i added and dropped
and a big shoutout to big ticket ... who is Da big ticket.
To Marquis ... you'r muh boy Marquis
I would also like to thank my insomina
and all muh homies in cell block D.
Thank youuuu .... Thank youuuuuu.... Thank youuuuu .. Good nigghtttt Good nigghtt... cya guys next year.
Well with that lets move on to the awards ceremony...
First up we have an award for the bitch ass smack talkin homo... This may come as no suprise to you ... and the wiener is .... isss... you guessed it our friend ... Flagrant Fouls. Congrats man
The next award is for a guy who some people might call a retard .. some might say he is fighter who fought all the way till the end even when he didnt have any opponents and who is riding on The People's Elbows 8-0 playoff runs as a comeback ... lets give it up for...The Answer.
Next up we have the whinny ass awards .. for the stupidest sore looser whines in the league.... lets give it up for Slam Dunkers....
And the Puto of the league award .. for making excellent posts that pisses off everyone in the league .. lets hear it for the big puto.. the puto of puto ... the million dollar cock sucker...The Mexican
Then we have an award for making a solemn post to let out all the frustrations of the season award ...with a nasty comeback ...goes tooooo
PureArc..
Next up we would like to acknowledge the dumb posts award that were not funny and for picking up and sticking with looser players all season like McDyess... lets hear it for Zovackos.....
And lastly we would like to show our appreciation for making this whole thing possible and for making ridiculous rules all season and for making chi chi moves and who's got accussed of being a homo more times than Micheal Jackson has had kid sex ... lets hear it for the the league commish .. The Spectraaal Knigghhttssss
And now .....
*Smoke machines* *Thundering Applause* *Defeaning Roars* *People chanting .. Champ Champ Champ*
Your League Champion ... Ass whoopin .. 8-0 winning ... bad ass mofo ...
The ---- Peoples------Elbowwwwwww
woot!! woot!!! woot!!!
And there you have it ....
Digety Check
Respect.
Key:
PureArc - Nat
Flagrant Fouls - Mr. Picky
The Commish/Spectral Knights - Bud
The People's Elbow - League Champion and certifiable egotistical dickless bozo.
Special Note: Nat would like to add that the message from "The People's Elbow" was posted in it's undedited form and all gross spelling and grammatical errors, sophomoric humor and tasteless comments are the sole responsibility of the People's Elbow.
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4 Comments
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| I am smitten!! |
| 04.15.04 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
By the real thing I think. I don't want to say too much as I'm afraid I will jinx it.
:: sigh::
Ain't love grand??!!!
Will keep you posted.
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4 Comments
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| Oh well...Whoopsie! |
| 04.14.04 (4:18 pm) [edit] |
Dear Nat,
Your images were removed because they mentioned “crack”. Since we receive so many submissions a day, it is impossible for us to police the galleries. The community therefore relies on its members to ensure the guidelines are upheld. This is a common practice for ecommerce sites. We removed your images after one of our members notified us of their presence. We were unaware of the images you list below, but we have removed them late last night.
Best regards,
Zazzle.com, Inc
I didn't list those images so they could be removed! UGH! Oh well, misery loves company.
My next t-shirt design : Jimmy CRACK corn and and I don't care.
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0 Comments
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| Monkey on Crack Censored |
| 04.14.04 (2:09 pm) [edit] |
Now, before you panic and think that Jon and his Superchunk have been taken offline by the Internet Police, relax. There's no web version of the FCC - anybody can have a website and post all sorts of content including the film director/wannabe corporate drone.
However, for those of you who were fans of the two "Monkey on Crack" t-shirts that were on Zazzle.com - they have been removed. I don't know why. I have asked but have received no response. I suspect the people at Zazzle deemed the concept of a monkey smoking crack a little too offensive, even though there are no images of a monkey actually smoking crack on t-shirt. Nevertheless I can understand when it comes to small children viewing the pages etc.
However, I find their policy a tad inconsistent. The "Atkins Approved" t-shirt remains as well as one depicting an angel having sex with a demon. There are numerous other shirts about animals on crack. Apparentely it's ok for a parakeet to smoke crack but not a monkey - too close to human I guess. Then there are numerous images of ass-cracks. From a woman bending over in an incredibly short skirt to a plumber working under a sink. I fail to see why my t-shirts have been removed while theirs remain. Rules I respect but their arbitrary implementation pissed me off to no end.
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3 Comments
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| T-shirts I'd never wear |
| 04.12.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
Ok, this Atkins thing is just getting out of hand....
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
If people are worrying about hidden carbs from this source, they've got serious problems. Hehehehe.
Also, I'd never wear a Prince t-shirt. I like his music but he's a super-freak!
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
And just in case you need to make sure the world knows what's on your mind...
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
.
If these t-shirts appealed to you, they came from Zazzle.com. Why don't you treat your friend whose birthday is coming up to a "Poop" shirt.
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9 Comments
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| Fantasy Basketball Update |
| 04.12.04 (2:11 pm) [edit] |
Well, I place 6th after finishing the regular season in 3rd place. I really couldn't care less. I just didn't want to finish last. My friend, Mr. Picky, on the otherhand is currently playing for the league champioship. That smacking sound you're hearing is him getting his ass kicked. As before, the insults just keep coming. The lamest display of male immaturity I have ever witnessed. Mr. Picky says he's having fun. He's having fun at my homophobic brother's expense. The "fag" jokes continue. Thought I'd print a sample of them.
WARNING: Reader be advised that the content below is of an explicit nature.
Mr. Picky:
(Other player), I can't hear you talking over the sound of your ass getting whooped.
Other Player:
I was too busy with your mama, and it wasnt my ass, it was her's.
Other Finalist:
(Mr. Picky) does not suck....he blooooowssssss goats.
Bud:
(Mr. Picky), you're doing a lot of talking. I guess you must be taking a break from your pacifier (your dick). Why don't stop sucking your cock and try to make the finals more interesting, then again perhaps its good the (Other Finalist) is giving you a spanking.
Mr. Picky:
I suck!? (Other player), you're the one beating up on a homosexual for 3rd place!
Bud:
(Mr.Picky), you gayass dickhead, who you calling homosexual? If you see me hugging up men like you, then you can say I am gay. If you attacking the Mexican stop using your lame ass insults.
Your people know fashion, creativity and hairstyles, why don't you use your femine talents. Oh, I hear you have back problems. If stop trying to suck your dick maybe your back will heal.
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2 Comments
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| REMINDER: Band of Brothers on Tonight! |
| 04.11.04 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
The first episode of one of my favorite shows of all time premieres tonight on The Hitler Channel...ahem... I mean The History Channel. I mean, it doesn't matter what time of the day you turn that channel on, there's always some show about Hitler on it or his henchmen or the Nazis etc, and if it's not on right then it will be on in an hour or so. Once in awhile they'll throw in the random show about Ancient Egypt or the Roman Empire to break the monotony but it is essentially The History of Hitler Channel.
There's a lot of swearing and violence in Band of Brothers. I'm not sure how the censors will handle this. I just hope they don't butcher my favorite show because the lovable Bill Guarnere (Frank John Hughes) uses the f-word as an adverb for everything.
Following the airing of the first episode is a special Band of Brothers edition of Mail Call.
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7 Comments
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| New Items at Danger Kitty Shop |
| 04.11.04 (2:20 pm) [edit] |
Just thought I'd announce that I've added a few more t-shirt, greeting card and print/poster designs at my shop at Zazzle.com.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
I made this one for my friend in England, Anne-Marie.
![Jon, step away from the crackpipe!]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
Well, we know who this one if for.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
I don't know why I really like this one.
See the shop for the rest. As I said, I take requests.
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9 Comments
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| I'm ashamed to admit it but |
| 04.10.04 (7:57 pm) [edit] |
I watched The Swan Wednesday night. I did. I did. I did. I did.
For those of you who may not know, The Swan follows in the sad long tradition of FOX reality shows that tittilate with extra cheese and synthetic drama. In this show, women that have felt like ugly duckings their whole lives are given extreme makeovers - plastic surgery, dental work, microdermabrasion, lipo, hair extensions and color treatments, every errant hair plucked, personal trainers, nutritionists, etc. At the end of the process the women (who have been kept away from mirrors) see themselves and compete to be part of a beauty contest.
Yes, it sounds extremely shallow but there's a part of all of us that can identify with the sadness these women felt when it came to their bodies initially. Society makes you feel like such a loser if you've got a third nipple. Sheesh!!
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1 Comments
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| A question for Americal Idol Viewers |
| 04.10.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
Why on earth is John Stevens in the top 8? Why was he even in the top 32? I like crooners as much as the next person - shoobie doobie doo - but this guy just doesn't have a strong enough voice and he's not even good at crooning. Please don't vote for him next week.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!!
I don't care if he has adorable curly red hair (sorry Ju!) or looks like the boy next door. If the boy next door sang like that I'd go over and duct tape his mouth.
Also, is it just me or is Fantasia becoming a little cocky and full of herself? Boy, when they told one of the Hawaiian chicks she was in group C, she looked like someone had just crapped on her new Manolo Blahniks. She deserved to go. Simon was right. How often does that happen? More than you think.
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1 Comments
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| A question for BBC viewers |
| 04.10.04 (7:37 pm) [edit] |
I've noticed something I consider very odd. Everytime I turn on BBC America there's a new ad for a series starring Robsen Green, and it is NEVER the same show. How many new shows does this man make for BBC every year? 6,7,8?
Either he's really good or he's been on a lot of crap shows that never take off for a second season. Please help me understand.
Personally I find Mr. Green a bit tiresome, heavy on flash and light on substance.
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1 Comments
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| I never said I wasn't Self-centered |
| 04.09.04 (5:06 pm) [edit] |
Hi. My name is Miss Self-serving.
Recently, my friend Chris told me about this place online called Zazzle.com, where she designed a t-shirt for our friend Dee who is returning to India. I was so impressed with Chris's shirt design and the wide variety of designs and products you could make with your own designs on that website that I decided to serve the market that I feel has been neglected until now - people with names starting with the letter "N". Seriously.
See, last year when all of these monogrammed stuff was selling like hotcakes, I could NEVER find the letter "N" on anything. Not on t-shirts, not on bags, not on sweaters, not on little hankies. Nada. No "N". Plus, there was never anything for the particular spelling of my given name, XXXXXX. Always Natalie or Nathan, no XXXXXXX. I'd walk in and they'd have surplus Rs and Ms and Ws. Ls were always there. Seemed like I could find every f--king letter of the alphabet. I was shocked one day when they had "Z" and "Q" but no "N".
So I started asking people "What's the deal?" I was told that they ordered as many Ns as any other letter but that they run out of them really fast and don't bother to re-stock. As an economist, I was baffled. Was re-stocking Ns not profit-maximizing for them? They would know the costs and benefits better than I. So I began to wonder if I was the only person walking off the street looking for the letter N. I didn't think so.
To cut a long story short, I posted a few designs on Zazzle and ordered myself an N-shirt. If you're curious to see an individual at the limit of my self-absorbtion, click here. I do requests too. The folks at Zazzle give artists 10% royalties when their designs are used on products purchased.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
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12 Comments
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| No Farting Zone |
| 04.08.04 (5:15 pm) [edit] |
I recently posted a notice on my office door stating "No FARTING beyond this point".
You see, my office is next to both the Men's and Ladies' restrooms. Everytime the door swings open a new stench finds its way into my office and takes an hour to permanently disappear. I love my office. It's not crowded and one of the few with a window. This window unfortunately does not open to allow foul odors to escape.
Another side-effect of being next to the loo is that we share the same air vents. Not only does smell travel but sounds as well. Today if you farted in the Men's room, chances are I heard it. It's especially embarrassing when it happens and I am tutoring a student or speaking to a professor. Butt-noises belong in the restroom, not in my office.
Giantsfan and I have a game where we try to guess whether it's a fart or someone blowing their nose and who did it. Sometimes I'll open the door to wait for the culprit to come out then have a giggle at his expense.
It came in handy once when I heard this guy in the restroom saying that he can't wait for me to leave so he can take over my office. Dude, if me leaving means that I'm done with my dissertation, you can have my office. I'll even throw in the bathroom noises for free.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
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9 Comments
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| Only the Lonely |
| 04.08.04 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
Only the lonely sleep with 6 pillows at night to fill the other side of the bed.
Only the lonely sit and watch Bridget Jones' Diary in the dark with a bucket of icecream in front of them.
Only the lonely fill their shopping cart with 20 frozen meals and 10 cups of yogurt at the grocery store.
Only the lonely think that when a couple passes them on the street and start holding hands that it's a direct jab at them.
Only the lonely deliberately wait to walk into the movie theater after the lights go down and sit way in the back in a corner.
Only the lonely check their cellphone voicemail constantly knowing that no one has called.
Only the lonely are on a firstname basis with the pizza delivery guy, the chinese delivery guy, the hotwings delivery guy, ....
Only the lonely...
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7 Comments
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| I'd pay 100 quid to do without commercials |
| 04.07.04 (5:03 pm) [edit] |
Like they do in the UK. However, I'd hate to go to prison and be asked what I'm in for only to say "I had a TV without a license."
Bloody Beeb. Love it and then hate it.
Just think if there were no commercial breaks during CSI or 24 or American Idol (yeah, I really watch that crap). I'd be alot thinner if there were no commercial breaks. The batteries in my remote would last 10 times longer. I'd also have a serious bladder infection and I'd never answer the phone between 7:00pm and 9:00pm. I think it's a fair trade off not to have to deal with those annoying "Ford is the best in Texas" ads that drive me up a wall. How many black pick-ups do you need?
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10 Comments
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| Quote of the Day |
| 04.07.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
Is television really that bad for you? Mom always said it would rot my brain like candy will rot my teeth. I can live without candy but I refuse to live without BBC America.
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.
-- Marty Feldman
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6 Comments
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| Captain Jack Promises |
| 04.07.04 (12:22 pm) [edit] |
Hi I am Captain Jack Sparrow, the greatest pirate ever, and I approved this message:
Ten years ago when I was in a prison cell in Port of Spain, Trinidad, a little bird flew in through my window and landed on my shoulder. The bird had a message for me. The bird said that I was born to be a leader of men. The bird told me I was squandering my youth looting ships, chasing loose women, drinking rum and having gold teeth put in my mouth. So I told the bird to bugger off. Eventually I escaped from prison after managing to seduce the jailor's daughter with tales of wild adventures on the sea. Mostly she was interested in the gold and jewels, but I think she fancied me. After I reached Port Royal, Jamaica, I ditched her for a female of a different sort. A ship! The ship that is America!
From the moment I set foot on this glorious ship of all ships I pledged my allegiance to her, to defend her from evil scallywaggs, perverts, thieves, rich jerks from Yale, and former pornographic body-builders from Austria. You see to me America is a dream and a promise. A dream to live in and a promise to hold on to. A dream to build and a promise to fulfil. When I say that every man, woman and child will have enough gold to fill their teeth, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. When I say that every man will have enough rum to forget his troubles, I mean that too from the bottom of my heart. When I say that Tom Cruise will be keelhauled and then made to run through the gauntlet for signing on to do Mission Impossible 3, I definitely mean that from the botton of my heart.
I, Captain Jack, promise to be sober on important occasions, but only on those occasions. I also promise to be fair in the distribution of the loot I will acquire from Bill Gates' basement. I promise to ban Lara Flynn Boyle from appearing on television and magazine covers and will relegate her to working on the radio. I also promise that after I loot Donald Trump's casinos to make him wear dreadlocks which would be a vast improvement to the dead cat crap he currently has on his head. Then I will make him go to his barber and say, "You're fired!" If you ever had a problem with anyone, I am the man with the plan!
Vote for me and save yourself from walking the plank and swimming in Davey Jones's locker!
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
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8 Comments
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| To My Neighbor |
| 04.06.04 (5:04 pm) [edit] |
Since I'm in the mood I figured I'd write another letter:
Dear Noisy Neighbor,
We have never actually been introduced. I am Nat, your neighbor living right below you. I pass you all the time and we exchange smiles. You seem like a nice young lady which is why I feel the deepest regret for things I must say to you in this letter.
I am not sure if you are aware of this, but our apartment complex was built over 20 years ago and the walls and floors are quite thin and creaky. Last week Thursday at about 11:00pm, I felt like you were having an aerobics class in your living room as the music was techno-cheesy and loud and the amount of heavy footsteps that I heard could not have been the work of one person. This went on for at least 5 hours and I woke up in a foul mood the next morning.
Then there are those many nights that you have your male friends over. Now I'm not being judgmental when I say it seems like a different guy every week with you. Frankly, I don't care if you want to f--k the entire UT football team. What bothers me is the fact that the screws on your bed frame are obviously too loose and I have to listen to the mattress being dragged back and forth, scratching the floor and banging against the walls. As for your screaming, well, I suppose you just can't help it. I just hope those orgasms are real. I should hate to think that your faking it is keeping me awake at night.
Finally, I ask that you cease and desist from vacuuming at 2:00 am. If you are too busy f--king the above mentioned to find time during daylight hours to vacuum, I will gladly come over and do it for you during those times. I have an excellent vacuum cleaner.
As you can imagine, my sleepy time is very important to me and your habits are keeping me from fantasizing about Colin Farrell. Your compliance with my wishes will be highly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Nat
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7 Comments
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| Uncle, please don't call me before 7:30 am |
| 04.06.04 (3:47 pm) [edit] |
Dear Sometimes Sweet but Sometimes Inconsiderate Uncle,
I just want you to know that I love our little chats on the phone. You have always supported me in my studies and you give very good advice. However, I was a little annoyed last week when you called me twice as 5:00am. I was even more annoyed when you called me 3 times between 5:00am and 6:00am this week.
You see, I have a very difficult time getting to sleep and usually don't nod off until 1:00am and so I don't roll out of bed before 7:30am and I really cherish my last hours of sleep as they are the most restful. I understand your need to ensure that I am indeed home when you call because God forbid that I should miss the priceless pieces of advice you give before I step out into the dark and mysterious world.
Also, I would appreciate it if you kept your voicemail messages under 10 minutes. This will prevent what happened last night from happening again. I checked my messages and listened to you drone on for 9 minutes and 58 seconds about Aunt So-n-So's bunion but then you said, "Oh and I have some great news for you --- end of message."
I just thought I'd let you know this sooner rather than later. I would hate our relationship to deteriorate because of lack of sleep and grumpiness on my part. Please try to remember that we live in different time zones and breakfast time for you is still sleepy time for me.
Before calling me, please check your clock and subtract an hour. Thank you for your kind consideration in the future.
Your dearest niece,
Nat
I was tempted to send this to him but fortunately I didn't. I suppose bitching about it here will have to suffice.
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6 Comments
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| Unfortunate Names |
| 04.05.04 (3:54 pm) [edit] |
Ever cursed your parents for the name that they gave you or the one that you inherited from them. I learned along time ago to be grateful. The worst I have ever been called is Nat the Ratbat.
In my highschool there was this girl named Alotha. Sweet girl but with really cruel parents, I think. You see, her last name was Schett. That's right, Alotha Schett. Now say the name fast and imagine saying it with the distortion of a microphone. Everytime this poor girl got called up during assembly to receive an award or a certificate or to read scripture people started laughing - some falling to the floor clutching their tummies. Later on we discovered her brother's name was Fuller - Fuller Schett. I think their parents knew what they were doing.
Before my Dad died, he worked as a medical representative for a pharmaceutical. It was his job to go around to doctors in the hopes of getting them to prescribe his drugs. One day he told me the story of Dr. Dudoo. Dr. Dudoo had relocated to Jamaica from Central Africa. For a long time he had only a handful of patients and his practice just wasn't growing. Later on Dr. Dudoo changed his name to Dr. Jones. Within 2 years he had a booming practice and had to start turning away patients. Sad, but true.
Then there was my classmate named Hahntu Dik. After 2 semesters of being teased mercilessly, he left to be homeschooled.
So just be glad your name isn't Pussy Galore or Annie Widebotham.
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10 Comments
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| Storm Update |
| 04.05.04 (12:49 pm) [edit] |
Today will be partly clouded with a 30% chance of rain and thunderstorms. Yesterday, Scarlett Johansson reported that it was raining 6'1" men in her backyard. Be advised that if you are on the phone with Hugh Jackman during an electrical storm your chances of being lit up like a Christmas tree will be quadrupled. He's electric (Boogie woogie woogie).
And now we go to our eye in the sky, Storm for a traffic update.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
Nat (a.k.a. Storm) cannot actually fly on her own.
Please do not try this at home.
"If you live in Los Angeles, unless you can fly like me, don't bother getting out of bed at this point. Anywhere you need to go, you're estimated travel time is at least 1 week.
"If you live in Montana, traffic is the same as it was an hour ago - non-existent.
"If you're in New York, why the f--k are you driving anyway? Take the subway.
"Right now I am in Texas and there is a traffic pile up on I-10 involving 20 black Ford pick-up trucks. Fortunately no one was injured but a fight broke out when man in pick-up #2 in the pile-up kicked the dog of man in pick-up #4. The dog was airlifted by Medivac to Houston Pet Hospital and man in pick-up #2 charged with a misdemeanor country music cliche assault.
"That's your traffic for now. Storm out!"
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15 Comments
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| My Brother Bud |
| 04.03.04 (4:34 pm) [edit] |
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![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
:twisted: Ladies try not to drool. LOL! :twisted:
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9 Comments
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| Puzzle Answer |
| 04.03.04 (4:25 pm) [edit] |
Correct Answer: Give Jack the boat and let him take GWB to Tortuga and return for Senator Kerry. If anybody can survive a typhoon and get back on course, it's Captain Jack Sparrow. When the seas start to get rough, you need a man who is not afraid to get in touch with his feminine side and wear eyeliner to save the day! Then when Jack returns for you, you two can take a slow cruise to Tortuga. :)
Moral of the Story: Captain Jack Sparrow is the best pirate ever and if you want the ship that is America to be safe on the seven seas, you should vote JACK for President in 2004! Think this is all BS? Well then you don't know JACK!
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4 Comments
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| Danger Kitty, Danger! |
| 04.02.04 (3:21 pm) [edit] |
AFP -- A grumpy house cat was the toast of New Zealand traffic authorities after it survived a hairy ride through a city clinging to the roof of a car, with the driver unaware of the drama.
John Sutton of Tauranga, southeast of Auckland, thought he had chased his seven-kilogram grey Persian, called Bono, from his car before he set off for work this week, the New Zealand Herald reported.
After travelling three blocks at 50 kilometres an hour along a busy city street, he had to slow down.
Something fluffy slid down the windscreen and gripped the wiper blades.
"It gave me a hell of a fright," Mr Sutton said.
"Then I realised it was Bono and he was bloody petrified."
Police Constable Tim Shields was on patrol when he saw the car coming toward him.
"The expression on that cat's face was hilarious," Constable Shields said.
"It was wide-eyed and obviously knew the consequences if it let go."
The cat was returned home inside the car.
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9 Comments
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| Puzzle Of the Day |
| 04.02.04 (11:36 am) [edit] |
You have a small boat that can only hold you, another person and enough provisions to get the two of you from Port Royal to Tortuga. You have three men willing to pay you to take them to Tortuga - Captain Jack Sparrow, George W. Bush and John Kerry. You must decide the order in which to take each of the three men. If you take Captain Jack first, you will leave President Bush and Senator Kerry alone and they will murder each other. If you take President Bush first, you will be lead off course straight into the path of a typhoon meanwhile John Kerry will bore Captain Jack into commiting suicide. If you take Senator Kerry first, your compass will malfunction and you will be unable to determine where you are going, meanwhile President Bush will have Captain Jack arrested as an enemy of the state. How do you get all three men to Tortuga safely?
Please leave your answers in the comments box.
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6 Comments
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| St. Nat's Day |
| 04.01.04 (5:11 pm) [edit] |
Many people don't know this but April Fool's Day is actually St. Nat's Day. St. Nat is the patron saint of jackasses, boneheads and IBS sufferers. St. Nat's feast day was first celebrated when William I (the Conquerer) held the first Fart Marathon in court on April 1st, 1068.
St. Nat was born Natbat Cockerhead on September 25th, 871 in Wales in a monastery. Not much else is known about Natbat Cockerhead except that she performed several miracles including raising the roof of a small chapel with a fart that went down in history as "The Fart that Shook the World".
Natbat travelled extensively and went to Jerusalem in 892, where she performed the "Miracle of the Seven Candles" where she lit one candle with a match, farted and ignited seven more. In Natbat's later years her penchant for flatulence was scorned and she found herself holding it in on many occasions in front of important people. It is believed that on one such occasion she had tremendous gas build up and refused to break wind. The gas lifted her heart and Natbat died in the process, prompting one poet to write in the Annals of King James I
Let wind be free
Wherever you may be
For it caused the death
Of belovéd St. Natty.
Natbat Cockerhead was never granted Sainthood by the Catholic Church but many of her followers believe that this was a gross oversight.
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4 Comments
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| Jack leads Dubbya by 10 Percentage points!! |
| 04.01.04 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
An Indecision 2004 Update
Since launching his campaign for President on Tuesday, Jack Sparrow - ahem, Captain Jack Sparrow - has risen in the polls to be the Pirate Party front-runner.
In a recent poll individuals were asked "If the ship that is America was set on fire and set out to sea, who would you like to see at the helm?"
A whopping 38% said they wanted Captain Jack at the helm running things since he has experience in such matters. 28% said President Bush should be tied to the mast and go down with the burning ship. 24% said that they would choose John Kerry, although many had reservations that Kerry might have a hard time deciding whether to use the water hose or fire extinguishers or whether to lower or raise the main sails or whether to toss the cargo overboard or whether to stay on board or abandon ship. They felt Kerry might not know what side of the ship he was on to begin with. The remaining 10% sided with Captain Hook and Sir Francis Drake.
![]() =http://img38.photobucket.com/...
Campaign posters courtesy of Mal.
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5 Comments
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| It's Tea Time |
| 04.01.04 (12:59 pm) [edit] |
I like honey chamomile
I like peppermint
I like ginger
I like green green green
I like peach
I like rasberry zinger
I like orange marmalade
I like sleepy time
How about you?
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6 Comments
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Ayn Rant: AESav.net
Daft and Demented: Mal Uncensored
Captain Jack Sparrow
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