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Blog
Catwoman Coughs Up a Hairball
07.29.04 (10:44 pm)   [edit]
Went to see Catwoman tonight with two friends. For Halle Berry I have three words - career-ending role. Awful. Just awful. Pointless and completely unnecessary. Last year I thought Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle was the worst piece of cinematic sex-pedalling girl-power chick-flick refuse the movie industry could drop trousers, bend over and crap on us movie-goers, but I stand corrected.

Here comes Catwoman, a comical character and not intentionally so. Several times my girlfriends and I laughed out loud at scenes that were supposed to be sexy or serious but not funny. As for the catty strut - she looked like she was trying to twist out a wedgy. Meow!!!

Oh and Benjamin Bratt's shirt is only off for like 3 seconds - tops! Where's the fairness in that when you have Halle Berry trapsing around in a laser cut leather ensemble that even Lady Heather's House of Pain would find offensive?

An Oscar in hand does not give you the right to flush your career down the toilet. Gwynneth Paltrow of Shallow Hal fame, shame on you. Cuba Gooding Jr. of Snow Dogs fame, shame on you. At least Marissa Tomei had the decency to fall off the silver screen radar before returning with In the Bedroom. As for my arch-nemisis, Tom Cruise, may he never win an Oscar. His film choices (and his acting) cannot afford to get any worse.


Bottomline: Catwoman sucked, from nose to tail.
11 Comments
 
Question
07.28.04 (11:19 pm)   [edit]
Q: If you fart just before exiting an elevator and no one gets on after you, does it have a smell?

According to Missi Jackson, Giantsfan got a job. Congrats!! Hope he hasn't left by the time I get back to the office. That would make me sad, especially if it means that a certain someone has moved into the office to be my new officemate. This person annoys me slightly less than Singing Bull.

Q: If today feels like Monday, why does Saturday feel like Sunday?

Mr. Wonder Woman successfully defended his dissertation. I guess that makes him Dr. Wonder Woman or Mr. Wonder Woman, PhD. Right now I'm wondering if I should send a photo from his sexy red camisole blue speedo crime-fighting days to his new co-workers in D.C. just so they'll know what to expect.

Q: Why did the Horny Metrosexual Leprechaun Pirate cross the road?

Oddly enough, I don't miss Austin. Usually, there's a part of me that misses Austin when I return to Jamaica but I don't feel any of that right now. I guess I'm loving the time with my Mom too much. We get along so well. Can't remember the last time we argued (knock on wood). I think the key is that I have a tremendous about of respect and pride for my Mom and she feels the same way about me. For that I am truly grateful.

Finally,...

Q: If I send by UPS 100,000 random individuals 1 can of ham each, is that considered spam?

Cutie McCutington (aka Mt. Mallaui, Mal, Daft and Demented, Crazy Joe....) recently passed a 2 feet long one. Y'all know what I am talking about. While no one knows what the Guinness Book of Records has for longest "onesy", I'm sure Mal has something to be proud of. I'm sure that email I just received is her sending the news to the whole world. Congrats Mal on dropping a big one.:)

:twisted:
6 Comments
 
They All Laughed At Me
07.26.04 (10:28 pm)   [edit]
But I was serious when I said I wanted a carnival-themed wedding...but more on that later.

This weekend Mom and I flew to Miami for my cousin's wedding. It was awesome. As his bride entered the church and came down the aisle, my cousin seranaded her with "The Impossible Dream". There wasn't a dry eye in the entire church, including the bride's macho big brother. I got my uncles on camera doing the "Electric Slide" and my Mom looked ethereal, putting all to shame. Overall, the wedding was a success.

On the way home from the reception I told my Mom I would rather elope than have a huge wedding. I told her I would prefer to spend money on a down payment for a house than spend the average $20,000 for a wedding. She understood, but suggested a small wedding on the beach as a compromise. Mind you, we're planning a wedding without a boyfriend much less a groom in sight. Anyway, I told her I wanted a carnival/circus wedding with magicians, sword-swallowers, acrobats, jugglers and contortionists with a huge circus tent. She started hyperventilating, so I told her I was kidding but in truth, that's what I want.

Figuratively speaking, weddings are circuses anyway, with the Maid of honor juggling two bouquets and a ring, drunken relatives acting like wild animals in need of a tamer, food-eating contests between guests who didn't bother to RSVP but showed up anyway, the baudy Bestman acting like a clown to provide humor, and finally the bridesmaids performing a dangerous balancing act with smiles pasted on their faces despite wearing hellishly uncomfortable dyed shoes. So why not make it literally a circus?
7 Comments
 
Death Becomes Her
07.22.04 (11:00 pm)   [edit]
When a loved one dies, it's a trying time and your friends sometimes seem to fall over themselves trying to comfort and support you. Some people get extremely uncomfortable and don't know what to say. The best advice is just to keep it simple, say what you know and don't exaggerate or adlib. Don't exaggerate about your closeness to the deceased. Don't talk about fictitious occasions in which you and the deceased took part. And for the love of God and all that is holy, don't screw up your face and squeeze your eyes trying to milk fake tears that won't fall. Pay your respect, express your condolences, offer a shoulder to cry on and go home.

The past two weeks I've heard some real gems from people acting like a deer caught in headlights at the mention of a death in the family.

Examples

- At the funeral, a man I didn't recognize approached me, hugged me, squeezed me, kissed me on the cheek, rubbed my bra strap and whispered in my ear "You know, your grandmother looked so beautiful and peaceful in her coffin. I wish we could all be so lucky when our time comes."

- Also at the funeral, the Member of Parliament for grandma's constituency got up to speak at the funeral, pointed to the casket and asked the congregation "Who will be next?"

- Today at the pharmacy, I bumped into my cousin's former fiance (boy did she and the family dodge a bullet on that one) and he expressed his condolences by saying "You know what they say about the sins of the father. Hope your luck will change soon. These things tend to come in threes." My Mom and I had to sit down in the car for 5 minutes in silence trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

- My mom and her siblings donated money to the primary school in my grandma's hometown and at the funeral the school Principal went around asking those in attendance for money. Later I learned that she never even thanked my mom or any of her siblings for the donation. Well, I guess she thanked us at the funeral service by grabbing the microphone during the benediction and singing loud and off-key.
1 Comments
 
Running Man
07.21.04 (10:40 pm)   [edit]
I think it's quite possible that in my quest to earn my PhD, I've become socially inept or may be I was always socially inept and failed to learn the things most women do in their man-chasing years. Whatever the cause, I am single and it's my own damn fault. Yesterday, I inadvertently offending a hot, well-mannered, intelligent young man that stopped by the house by leaving him to sit alone on the porch while I went inside to eat dinner in the kitchen. Well, it's not all my fault. I did offer him a beer and he refused. My cousins were pissed off as I ran away their eye-candy for the evening. Note to self: Never let him out of your sight, especially if he is quite a sight.

The evening before, I told another adorable and perfectly single guy that he had gotten rounder and softer since the last time I saw him. I usually save such comments for my brothers or cousins. Note to self: ridicule does not equal flattery.

Earlier that same day, I saw a former classmate and good friend that I hadn't seen in years. He was looking really good. For some reason, I was way too friendly - hugging, pinching and squeezing. Then he reminded me of his upcoming wedding next month. I tried to act like I hadn't forgotten. Note to self: purge eligible bachelor list at least once every 6 months.

The only man who managed to receive the appropriate treatment from me today was an unfortunate man who I caught digging through our garbage this afternoon. After he stuffed the remains of this mornings breakfast in his mouth and looked up at me for half of a second, then returned to lick the lid of an ice cream container, I turned my back on him and went inside the house and observed him from a window. I didn't try to drive him away or anything. I let him fill his belly on sour or rotten food and leave.
1 Comments
 
The Eagle has landed
07.17.04 (11:17 pm)   [edit]
In her mother's nest. Grandma's funeral was today. I'm exhausted. No A/C is making me crazy, plus I smell like a mildewed washrag. Will write more once I get over my anger that I left my digital camera in Austin.

Oh and I met this adorable rasta man and he was all into me but it wouldn't have worked out since he was absolutely broke and has no ambition. He too smelled like a mildewed washrag - he coulda been a contenda!
1 Comments
 
Phi Spamma Jamma
07.13.04 (10:35 am)   [edit]
This courtesy of a young lady who is closerto me than a sorority sister. Mal.


Top 10 Sports Commentaries

Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her
warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?!"

Raise your hands if you've read these before!
9 Comments
 
Thank You So Much
07.12.04 (11:21 am)   [edit]
I would just like to thank of all you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I'm headed home to Jamaica in a few days for the funeral. I will be away for quite a while. I want to spend as much time with my Mom as possible. I think things will be very strange for her after everyone leaves after the funeral. My Mom has been taking care of Grandma for a while. There's always an additional level of difficulty in the transition for the care-giver when their loved one dies. I just want to make sure she's alright before returning. This means less blogging in the future. You will have already noticed a sharp decline in my output. I just haven't been up to the task. Not to worry, I'll write something from time to time, just to let you know that I haven't fallen on the face of the earth.

And in unrelated news....

I had to kill a cockroach today. He was crawling out of the office garbage container, looking to spread germs elsewhere and I just couldn't let it happen. I could not let another single soul suffer the horror. Sometimes extreme situations call for extreme solutions. So I squashed him with my flip flops.

Love you.
5 Comments
 
I don't know what to say
07.09.04 (12:06 pm)   [edit]
I'm still in shock I think. My Grandma died yesterday morning. Her heart stopped and they couldn't revive her. Just two more weeks and I would've been home to see her.

I love you Grandma....I just wish I had been there.



Grandma at the family reunion in 1999.
Better days,
8 Comments
 
John Edwards
07.07.04 (2:21 pm)   [edit]
With John Kerry making his VP running-mate announcement yesterday, I have been asked by several persons what I thought of John Edwards and his aiding Kerry's electability. I gave the question a great deal of thought and realized that I know absolutely nothing about his political views. So my response was to the effect of:

"Edwards has the awesome combination of TV news anchorman hair and a gameshow host countenance. That's got to count for something."
3 Comments
 
Whooopsie!!
07.06.04 (2:44 pm)   [edit]
The New York Post this morning stated that Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry had chosen Rep. Richard Gephardt as his running mate. Just like their article bemoaning the Yankees loss on October 17th 2003 they got it wrong.



I for one am relieved that Kerry chose John Edwards. We don't need another Dick for VP.
7 Comments
 
Blogger's Block
07.06.04 (11:30 am)   [edit]
Ever find yourself with absolutely nothing of measurable interest to blog about? Is your poetry too elementary, your prose in repose, your humor in a stupor, your ranting wanting, your moral outrage disengaged?

Well, that sucks. Sorry. Wish I could help.

This website called BlogIdeas.com claims to have the solution to your current brain cramp.

Here on Natblog, we like to try new things, experiment on ourselves and report our findings, no matter how meaningless or nonsensical.

Today, BlogIdeas.com suggests as their BIG BIG BIG idea that you "make up an imaginary friend and describe." Wow, how novel. Certainly satisfies our criterion of meaningless and nonsensical, but let's not climb on our high horse just yet. Let's give it a whirl.

Hmmm....well, If we're gonna have an imaginary friend, he /she needs a cool name. I know!!! Balthazar Buttleby!! The kids at school will call him Bally Butt. Now, how should Master Buttleby look? What should be his claim to fame?

I'd appreciate your input. I say Balthazar is short and rotund. Ha! Rotund!!! Always wanted to use that word. He has reddish brown hair and loads of freckles. His favorite thing to do is to skim stones across the river near where he lives in a tiny house with 6 brothers and 3 sisters, his Mom and Dad, his granny, his uncle Bobo and his dog Sarky....

Know what? This is utter crap! How am I supposed to write about someone I don't give a rats ass about? Imaginary friend!! Hurrumph!! Phoooey!

Some of their other swell ideas include:
1.How many pairs of shoes do you own?
2.If I die today.. How would it happen?
3.If you wanna be my lover...
4.How long can I go without a haircut!
5.Have you ever seen a dead body?
And my personal favorite
6.Boxers; Briefs; Commando
7 Comments
 
Nat Toons
07.05.04 (12:01 pm)   [edit]
I've added a new blog for my sketches. There's a new one on there now. Click here.
4 Comments
 
A Mob in Darkness Part II
07.05.04 (10:23 am)   [edit]
(continued from previous post)
Then suddenly, like divine intervention, a path to my friends opened up, big enough for my big camping chair to fit through. Before my friends could look around again, I was right behind them smiling. We stayed close together as we crossed the bridge. I hit a small Asian lady in the head with my chair. I apologized. I felt like such a louse. She just smiled at me, reassuring me that she was okay. As we neared the shuttle pick up area, we noticed a new problem. No one was queuing up. There were no lines, no bus lanes, no organization what so ever. People were just milling around forming a huge mob and we were being pushed from behind into the mob.

We picked a spot and stood our ground. That's when we noticed this lady behind us with her sister (I think) and her two kids. One of the kids was a little girl about age 8. Her mother was instructing her to cry as soon as they got into the middle of the crowd so that people would step aside and let them through. She was telling her to cry really loud and make the people in front feel sorry for her. I noticed another lady with her infant and toddler. I couldn't see her husband anywhere. As the crowd squooshed together as each shuttle bus arrived, it got hotter. The infant she was carrying started to wail miserably in the heat. He toddler grabbed on her around the waist. People were knocking him over and pushing past him to get on the bus.

Suddenly, I saw the 8-year-old girl push her way past us from the side. There was a tall man in front of us with his family, patiently waiting. The girl found that she could not get past him. She seemed to turn and look at her Mom for guidance. Suddenly, I could hear her mother cry out "Hey you!! Step up off the little girl. Step off of her. You're squeezing her!!! You're squeezing my daughter." Right on cue, the little girl started crying. The man turned around surprised. He raised his hands and exclaimed "I haven't done anything. I haven't even moved." The mother got what she wanted. She was able to push through the crowd in front of us and get to her daughter. Everyone thought the man had done something wrong, but we knew the truth.

After an hour in the mob, we got on a shuttle. It took me another hour to get home. Never again.
2 Comments
 
A Mob in Darkness
07.05.04 (10:20 am)   [edit]
Lastnight, I attended my first 4th of July fireworks show in 2 years. Last time I did that I was in McAllen visiting my bro and the display was less than awe-inspiring. This time I went down to Zilker Park with Missi Jackson and a friend of hers after an all-girl BBQ in a stranger's home. We set up our camping chairs on the green grass, sat back, drank water and waited an hour and a half for about 30+ minutes of cannons and fireworks with a symphony playing 'Stars and Stripes' in the background. It was beautiful and so loud that my heart rattled in my chest whenever the cannon went off.

As the fireworks seemed to be winding down, we packed up our gear in the hopes of beating the crowd. We had parked downtown and taken the special events shuttle to the park. So we headed for the shuttle pick up area. Apparently, everybody else had the same idea about leaving early. As we headed towards the long path that would lead us to the bridge where we entered, we found ourselves merging with a sea of people. There had been a large steady stream of folks when we arrived at the park during daylight and even then my claustrophobia had me in gooseflesh. Now, it was night, and we were walking down a stony uneven path in a poorly lit park surrounded by sweaty people. I could just see well enough to keep an eye on my friends in front of me. The fact that I was carrying a camping chair seemed to hinder my progress forward. As we got closer to the bridge, people started packing together closely. I hit half a dozen people with my chair. I must have apologized 20 times to them each. They either said not to worry about it or completely ignored my sincere apology.

After hitting one gentleman in the chest with the chair and apologizing 3 times, I whipped around and noticed that my friends were now way ahead of me. "When did that happen?" I thought. As they moved further and further away it was harder to make them out. Soon there were 4 rows of people between us. I could see them looking back at me with a bit of concern. I couldn;t simply force my way through to them. I'd seem like such a jerk, especially with the concussion-inducing camping chair. I looked ahead again. They were 5 rows ahead. A bit of fear began to come over me.

To be continued....
0 Comments
 
My Bubba is 30!!!
07.02.04 (3:02 pm)   [edit]
Congratulations to my precious bubba, Bud, who is 30 today. With the amount of hazardous waste material in his apartment and his less than hygenic cooking methods, many worried this day might never come. Bud has defied the odds. Many years from now, scientists will look to Bud's living conditions and replicate his infection-resistant genes. Take a bow!
5 Comments
 
Remax: Looking for home in Hell?
07.02.04 (10:39 am)   [edit]
With the demand for housing in Hell increasing exponentially each year, real-estate agents specializing in the Hell market say that they can't find places fast enough for their clients. We attended the Hell's Real Estate Agent Conference 2004 held at Trump Plaza earlier this year to find out more about this booming market. New home construction in Hell has been increasing over the years but has not been able to keep up with the rising demand.

"The most undesirable neighborhood in Hell is the Seat of Satan. A 4 bedroom house there with semi-detached garage goes for around 900,000 souls corrupted or S.C. (the official currency of Hell)," said Adolf H., a resident of Satan's Seat since 1945, and a keynote speaker at the conference. "Nowadays, you have to be a diabolical war criminal or a TV network executive to get a home there."

"I had a client who wanted to purchase some property for his ex-wife and he was really willing to sell his soul just so that she could live in the lap of discomfort for eternity," said another real estate agent at the conference. "This guy ended up purchasing a 2 bedroom flat for himself as well after sending his wife to Hell Central, the main district."

AE says everyone likes to think of hell as burning, rotting and torture. In fact a resident from Hell has won the Olympic gold medal in burning, rotting and torture every year since the Olympics began. So we can understand why so many people are anxious to become a part of this anti-community.

"The theological definition [of Hell] is spending eternity apart from God and from all others. There is no community in hell. It is the opposite of heaven, which is an eternity in God's presence, with all his holy people." - AE's boss, the other god

Next week, Remax Real Estate will look at the booming Purgatory market.
2 Comments
 
The Greatest Stick Fight Ever
07.01.04 (2:17 pm)   [edit]
Warm up courtesy of Mal:




The Main Event courtesy of AE:



JUST PUSH PLAY
10 Comments
 



Ayn Rant: AESav.net


Daft and Demented: Mal Uncensored


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