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Weekend in Review
08.30.06 (9:53 am)   [edit]
This weekend I figured I'd spend the time trying to figure out what was causing this horrible smell in my kitchen. The garbage was taken out Friday and I thought that was it. All the rotten veggies were removed from the fridge and put out with the trash too. So I suspected foul play with the downstairs neighbours. Either they're really nasty people or one of them was rotting in the basement apartment. I hoped the latter. Better a dead than a nasty neighbour has always been my philosophy. Dead people may stink but they don't wake you up with orgasms at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Another alternative was that there was kracken spunk under the floor boards. I've had neighbours before that liked to keep exotic pets like iguanas, spiders and snakes. You never know when you'll find the odd neighbour that has a mini kracken in his aquarium and likes to take it out now and again for a quick fondle.

The truth came out on Sunday, when I was told that the downstairs folks had a mouse problem. They'd apparently set out poison and a few of the mice had died in the space between my floor and downstairs ceiling. So, I did get my wish of dead neighbours, only it was mice. Mice make horrible tenants, by the way. You can't cash in their droppings at most banks or financial institutions and when they move out, you discover all these holes in the wall that need to be patched.
2 Comments
 
This is the movie I saw this weekend
08.21.06 (11:19 pm)   [edit]
Well, this is what it should have been apparently, if they wanted to make $40 million in one weekend. Then again, the budget to have all these clowns in it would have exceeded $40 million. It's a good thing that Samuel L. Jackson is dollar-for-dollar the coolest actor of his generation. Compare that to Tom Cruise who is clearly over-paid, infinity-fold.
3 Comments
 
I never liked taking a bath at that age either
08.21.06 (12:28 pm)   [edit]


Please let me out
2 Comments
 
The Kitten That Destroyed My Ovaries
08.18.06 (2:40 pm)   [edit]


OMG! TEH KITTEN!
3 Comments
 
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe ...
08.17.06 (10:32 pm)   [edit]
... and a f**king phone call from you once in a while.

I consider myself a low-maintenance kind of gal. Flowers? No, thank you. They wilt and leave dead petals for me to clean up. Chocolate? No, thank you. I keep myself well stocked in that commodity. Champagne? No, thank you. I prefer beer and occasionally rum. By the by, why is the rum always gone? Fancy restaurants? Hell, no! Sorry, I mean, no thanks. If I can't wear jeans, then I ain't goin'. We don't have to go anywhere actually. In fact, we don't even have to be in the same place. A phone call to say "Hello Dog" will do just fine.

The formula to making me happy and keeping me happy is so simple:

(Phone + You + Me) X 3 per week

Occasional fondling changes the equation slightly but isn't actually necessary. Would be nice though.

My point is that I'm easy, not in the $2 hooker way, but in the Sunday morning kind of way. So why is it, that no matter who I end up with, they still manage to disappoint with the simplest of arrangements? Why? Tell me. I need to know.
4 Comments
 
Spam is the new Keats
08.16.06 (4:27 pm)   [edit]
I swear, those monkeys with typewriters have finally banged out Shakespeare. Everyday I get spam that borders on interesting but it totally incoherent. Still, I find it oddly satisfying. Here for your reading pleasure, that is if you take pleasure on giving yourself a migraine, is the unedited email from "Long Cox and Bedfellow":

I dare you to stand where no man has had his pride and shovel in turn to the depths of the earth May you be encircled by vultures and your eyes pecked for everything is longer than expected but shorter than it should be You are a skunk of the worst kind and a mongrel eats just as well as a pedigree and you shall have your madam in her quarters but buttocks on high is not sharp to fit well with her and you ask too many questions of me When will we see the sunshine again, I asked with hope in my loins and so came the man and then the child and all was well until she came It is unfortunate that your face is not hidden from the prying eyes of the world for it is an unfortunate likeness of Babylon comes but twice a year and only you can prevent forest fires Shove off and die alone and you will know my pain my sorrow you squat and linger Debra do not chide her for she knows only of the low ways and the willow tree bathes her in sunlight and leaves to hollow the night and the wind rustles the leaves at dawn Do not run with scissors nor with pen to paper to hurt the soul that does not speak for itself and surely all lies will be told
1 Comments
 
Incomprehensible
08.12.06 (8:27 pm)   [edit]
This is from a spammer named "Make Her C** All Over You". Well, I think that was his/her name. Anyway, some think it's poetry. I think it's incomprehensible. By the way, should I buy Viagra from these honest folks?


No one knows when she had what is going on? Letter in the box for you, sir, tastes like snow. What you do to me, no one cares for you and your silly fog that darkens the sky in pockets made of denim swatches and leather burlap. Fanny, fetch the minister of unorthodox mockery and changing lenses. Never have the words work of escaping bringing and tolerance is lost on those who are blind to my breast of fortune and conquest. The real reason I have brought you all here is to ask four nothing is nothing and everything is everything in its entirety encaspsulated by nothing and boarded by the vacuum of emptiness. The spirit yields to no one in particular person of desperate age and circumstances of ruin and misfortune brings me to your parlor seeking love and acceptance and maybe the fairer sex shall find pity on a soul so devoid and foul a smell has never yet been approached. I can't stop the approach of the dawn nor can I bend time to permit me to spend eternity with you couched in a bed of thorns and needles so sharp the blood drops and pillows stained in the efforts made to stem the tide of loneliness we both felt together yet alone. I want you to be forever and nothing even without and yielding all that is possible the conquest of your breast is lost to those around who let go and no that now is forever is you.
2 Comments
 
Dear "English as a Distant Language"
08.03.06 (12:52 pm)   [edit]
Screw you and your 10 comments per day!! I don't need you to make Hot Blogs. Go away you filthy spammer!
1 Comments
 
Goodbye Loki
08.01.06 (10:40 am)   [edit]
My friends A-M and Nig recently lost their five year-old cat, Loki. I met Loki when I visited them in 2003. I just remember thinking that at the time he was still a youngster but he was HUGE. No seriously, Loki was HUGE. He was also aptly named, given his propensity to create mischief.

In the photo below, you can't tell, but Loki is actually digging his nails into my jeans. His way of saying "Welcome to my family of Humans. Now stroke me, woman!!" Hehehe.


Loki, making my lap his own.
6 Comments
 
Thought of the Day
08.01.06 (10:32 am)   [edit]
I think we all have an evil, maniacal genius with plans for world domination living deep inside of us. I call mine Billy Goat.
3 Comments
 



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