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Willy Wanker and the Gin & Tonic Factory
02.27.04 (11:43 pm)   [edit]
This post is Rated R for suggestive sexual content. Readers' discretion is advised.


Kip was a very special little boy with a small dream and a huge talent. Kip grew up like most kids, with each parent working two jobs but still unable to save, going to an overcrowded school with obesity-inducing junk food served in the cafeteria. He was subjected to demoralizing standardized tests and managed to graduate from high school despite only being able to read at a 4th grade level. Like some kids, Kip slipped through the cracks, finding himself unsuitable for higher education with no recognizable job skills.

Despite Kip's determination to make it on his own, he still needed a little luck. One day, Kip and his younger brother Kevin went to McDonalds. While there Kip played the McDonald's Monopoly Game and won $300. It was just the break Kip needed! With the money Kip bought some dodgy second-hand camera equipment with the intention that he and Kevin would make an extremely good low-budget film to get the attention of the film studios. All Kip needed were actors. Kip scoured the neighborhood for talent but no one wanted to act in his film for free.

Then he bumped into Luce Scurt, a former highschool classmate who had been captain of the cheerleading squad. Luce could not act her way out of a paper bag but she was the only girl within a four mile radius of Kip's home who would go on camera for free. Kip had hoped to make a film about a girl wishing to become a nun. The title was to be "The Habit". Kevin had already agreed to play Mother Superior. Unfortunately, no one in their right mind would buy Luce as a nun, especially the way she would flirt with the camera and touch herself. That's when Kip had his big idea!

Legend has it that Kip got so excited watching Luce put on her habit that he decided to become a porn star, immediately, shoving Kevin out of the frame and jumping on an unsuspecting (but totally game) Luce. Later, they renamed the 5 minute film "Tossing the Habit". The film was uploaded on the internet and recieved millions of hits in a matter of months. Everyone wanted to see the 5 minute king of the porn world. Kip was a star!

Encouraged by the response from his first film, Kip went on to make internet porn history by writing, producing and starring in three hundred 5 minute films. Kip had a huge talent but he could not sustain it. Viewers wanted longer films but neither Kip nor Kevin could rise to the challenge. Soon the hits for The Gin & Tonic Factory, as their website was named, dried up. Advertisers removed their banners. The dream was over. Kip's last appearance on film was in a film spoof of the porn industry in which he performed for 2 minutes. He had hit rock bottom.

Moral of the story: Use but do not abuse your talent!

 


posted by: BbyJay27 (reply)
post date: 02.27.04 (9:39 pm)

that was interesting. lol. im like woah...ok...a little scared but thats otay. im new so im still feelin things out a bit, but i promised u a comment so here!! commennttttt! lol...

l8r



posted by: dessie (reply)
post date: 02.27.04 (10:27 pm)

If he couldn't go for more than five minutes, he had no talent to abuse. :p



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (10:02 am)

Reply to: dessie
That's a very good point you have made. Cheers. :)



posted by: grigori777 (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (10:12 am)

yea, I have to agree... 5 minutes is nothing...



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (10:15 am)

Reply to: grigori777
See, Kip was of the school of thought that size matters. Size is nice but it's what you do with it that counts.



posted by: dairaranzir (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (10:28 am)

This is a weird story. Is there any truth to this or did you make it up entirely? It reads like an E! True Hollywood Story.



posted by: ayaddanak (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (10:53 am)

I remember Kip. He was such a disappointment. All that and zero technique. Just kidding. Funny story.



posted by: danil (reply)
post date: 02.28.04 (11:55 am)

Well, I'm no expert on internet porn (ROFLMAO), but 5 minutes just seems like such a waste of time to download. May be most of his viewers had dial-up and now with high-speed connection they wanted more. Sad, sad story.



posted by: me (reply)
post date: 03.01.04 (12:31 pm)

That was dumb.



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.01.04 (1:35 pm)

Reply to: me
Don't you just hate it when you answer the phone and the person at the other end says "Hey, it's me"? Can't tell you how many times I've confused Uma Thurman with Gwynneth Paltrow. That usually pisses Gwynnie off.

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