Ben Affleck Interview


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Ben Affleck Interview
03.25.04 (5:23 pm)   [edit]
It was a rainy day in Boston and I found myself huddled in a doorway on a lonely street trying to stay dry. I held a soggy newspaper over my head and hunched my trench coat over. Suddenly from the corner of my eye I spotted something shocking. There was this tall and hunky man with a prominent chin walking towards me wearing a skin-tight red leather bodysuit with a red leather mask with tiny horns on it. He looked dreadful. He looked more like he belonged to the cast of To Wong Foo than a comic strip action hero blockbuster. He stopped in front of me and grinned that insipid Ben Affleck grin that used to make the girls swoon back in the days before early Oscar success made him bend over and take it up the ass from Hollywood. I'm not saying he sold out. I don't have to. Dare Devil said it for me. Anyway, Ben seemed a bit surprised by my lack of interest and wanted to make sure I knew who he was. He removed a small but heavy golden statuette from his ass and showed it to me.

"I'm Ben Affleck. Remember me? I won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting."

"Oh yeah. I heard Kevin Smith was the one who really wrote that."

His smile turned into a rather nasty scowl and his chin seemed to get bigger. When he realized he had frightened me his smile returned. He seemed desperate to prove to me that he was someone important and that he was a nice guy. He agreed to sit down for a few questions at a near by cafe. I told him he could take off the body suit but he insisted on wearing it. He said he needed it to stay in character for the sequel. The interview was almost ruined when he burnt the roof of his mouth on scalding hot Starbucks coffee. His words were practically unintelligible. He might as well have been speaking Latin. Hmmm...I think he was. Here's the jist of the interview and what I think he was trying to say in Latin.


Nat: Do you think Jersey Girl will re-energize your career?

Ben: Contra Felicem vix deus vires habet. Fiat lux!
Translation: Against a lucky man a god scarcely has power. Let there be light!

(Ben seemed to actually expect the flourescent lights in the cafe to brighten on his command. He raised his hands in anticipation. After 5 minutes of waiting in silence, a sadness came over him. I think he realized that he was average, like me.)

Nat: What was it like dating Gwynneth Paltrow and then being engaged to Jennifer Lopez?

Ben: A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi
Translation: A precipice in front, wolves behind

Nat: Why was Gigli so awful? Did it lead to your break up with Jennifer?
Ben: Stercus accidit. Abyssus abyssum invocat
Translation: Shit happens. Hell calls hell.


Nat: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Ben: Trahimur omnes studio laudis. Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.
Translation: We are all attracted by the desire for praise. Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time

Nat: How do you respond to the criticism that you'll never be as good an actor as Matt Damon? Tell me how you truly feel about your buddy Matt.

Ben: Hic puer est stultissimus omnium! Non Gradus Anus Rodentum!
Translation: That boy is the stupidest of all! Not Worth A Rats Ass!

Nat: Really? I thought you guys were so close.

Ben: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Translation: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?

(Suddenly, Ben's cell phone rang. I couldn't imagine where on that tight body suit he had space for a cellphone. Once again he reached into his ass and pulled out a tiny phone. It had also been set on vibrate. He spoke briefly for a few minutes, ending with "Apudne te vel me?" meaning "Your place or mine?" Then he turned his attention to me.)

Ben: Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Translation: Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Nat: You mean J-Lo?
Ben: Yeah, that bitch. She still hasn't sent back the ring.

With that Ben was gone. He left the same way he came - pulling a large red leather wedgie out from behind him.
 


posted by: OoLostEntity (reply)
post date: 03.25.04 (9:19 pm)

lol...geez what an imagination



posted by: blondebondgirl (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (6:30 am)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats hilarious. I saved the latin saying and put it up as my away message on AIM! LOL! your hilarious!!!!!!!!



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (10:33 am)

Reply to: KRAZEDONE
Yes he is!! Like rain on a hot surface, he steams things up.



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (10:37 am)

Reply to: OoLostEntity
Thanks!! :)



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (10:37 am)

Reply to: blondebondgirl
Coolness.



posted by: dumblondegirl (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (3:50 pm)

lmao!



posted by: OoLostEntity (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (7:18 pm)

Reply to: dangerkitty

yvw!



posted by: hhunter (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (11:34 pm)

hahaha...latin...

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