This is why it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep


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This is why it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep
03.26.04 (1:26 pm)   [edit]
A great man once said that a man who lives in congruence with his values is always content. My own problems go beyond not living in congruence with my values. If I could exactly define my values I think that would be a major breakthrough.

A short list of things that contribute to my insomnia:

1. Abortion Rights
2. Gay Marriage
3. Prayer in Schools
4. The Majority versus the Minority
5. The Death Penalty

If you thought that I stayed up all night fantasizing about Colin Farrell, you'd only be half-right.

Here's the problem. From I was a tiny zygote in my mother's womb, I have been raised to believe in the Almighty God, and how Jesus's crucifixion and the miracle of His resurrection have paid for my sins and the opportunity to live with my Father in Heaven for eternity after life on earth has ended. When I was a child, I never doubted any of it. Loving and being faithful to God was easy and simple. God is everywhere watching over us.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful.
The Lord God made them all.

I believed it then. I want to believe in it now. There was no ambiguity, only absolutes - good and evil, saint and sinner.

During my teenage years things began to get a little complicated. As my knowledge of the world expanded and I met people of different beliefs and ways of life, my faith began to waiver a little. Was my God the one true god? Was Jesus truly the Messiah? How does God really feel about gays and lesbians? If two people really love each other and want to be committed to each other forever, why is it so wrong if they are of the same sex? Why is their love so wrong? Then there's the whole debate about being born gay, and if God never makes mistakes....does my head in sometimes. Suppose a woman became pregnant after being raped. If she had an abortion, would God send her to burn in the fiery pits of hell? Is masturbation a sin? The bible says that we are to tell the non-believers the Good News. How far should we go in converting others? To the point of persecution?

Jesus talks about not judging others less we ourselves be judged. All we ever seem to do is judge and condemn other people. It's like it's written in our DNA. How does God feel about the death penalty? Isn't vengeance suppose to be His? Sometimes I watch the news and see what one man has done to another and I'm so angry. I just want that person to be put to death. I just want revenge but later I feel ashamed of those feelings. Sometimes I feel justified and other times I feel merciful. There's more than mere hormonal changes going on here. I want to personally bludgeon Osama Bin Laden to death but there's still a part of me that feels that even that is wrong. Then there's pre-marital sex - my confusion here can account for at least 50% of my sleepless nights.

You're probably laughing at me now. You're wondering what moron loses sleep wondering whether or not masturbation is a sin. Yeah, whatever. At the end of the day, your opinions of me won't save my soul. Now that I've come of age, I'm part of the process. My opinions matter. I am in a position to influence others and the responsibility is a daunting one. I want to lead by example, but when you're on shaky ground it's hard to be consistent. One day I'll use the f-word without giving thought to it and other days I'm a prude. One day I am championing gay rights in discussions with my friends and the next day I'm out with my Mom and we see two women kissing and I roll my eyes. WTF?

Here's what I know to be true. My beliefs are not set in stone, but my values - LOVE, FAMILY, LOYALTY, HONESTY and THE PURSUIT OF UNDERSTANDING - will never change. I'm confused because I have confused the values that are important to me with my beliefs that are used to hold them together. Honestly I'm scared. I'm scared that I will never be content.
 


posted by: DarkMood (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (10:55 am)

Most people live by there convictions that they hold dear, never worrying about the consquences that it may bring. Those people tend to burn out & then no one remembers them until you read about them in the obituary. You my friend are among the few that worry, like MLJjr & Ghandi. To question your beliefs, is to have a powerful insight until you get the answers you are satisfied.
Or I could have missed this entirely.
Great Blog



posted by: J (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (10:56 am)

i really think you will be content. i think a lot of people go thru some point like this in their lives. i for one am not religious..at all. but know and was brought up around people who were. i cant begin to imagine what you are going thru because i will never have to go thru it seeeing as i was not brought up to go to church and believe in God. but like with any person about anything important in their life, they may experience questions in their head that confuse them.

i think with time you will find the answers u r looking for. and if u dont, with time u will be alright with the fact that u dont always HAVE to have the answers.

u will be ok. dont put the weight of the world on ur shoulders. i know u want to, and i have thought about the worlds problems and it bothers me and im just one non religious atheist person. but u have to realize that u cant fix everything and everyone.

good luck with everything ;)



posted by: fotocali (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (11:07 am)

You see, I've never had your problem. Despite my mother preferring me to go to church, I adamantly refused, calling it a buncha' BS. This from when I was about 6 years old. I distinctly remember debating it in my head and - either I was too dumb to believe in abstract ideas, or I was too smart for a 6 year old - I determined that it's all BS. In grade school I questioned saying "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. I never said that part. I'd stop talking right there. I even asked my teachers and parents why that's in there.

But here's the thing. This doesn't make me "ungodly," you could call it. I'm a moral guy; progressively so, but moral. Being Athiest is not Anti-theist. "A-" means absence, not contrary. He just doesn't exist. Period. Nothing judgemental, just not there. And I say I'm not AntiTheist because I would NEVER try to talk someone out of his beliefs: if it works for him or her, fantastic (this is why I really don't even talk against Scientology. It really works for some people. Fantastic. I'm glad when anyone finds something to help guide them thru this crazy world.)

My problem with religion is found in your insomnia-making concerns (especially items 1 thru 4). Anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion are positions borne strictly from a Christian worldview. And forcing beliefs from such a worldview onto everyone is patently WRONG. (And though not strictly borne of the Christian worldview, much of the current anti-indecency / censorship hysteria is borne from this worldview.. only partly).

I don't talk people out of their beliefs; don't try to talk me into yours (not you personally DK; I say "yours" in general terms).

By the way, another problem with passing an anti-gay marriage amendment is this: it is wrong to legislate that it's ok for some people to have a certain right but wrong for others to enjoy the same right.



posted by: billybobnob (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (1:32 pm)

perhaps i can help you.
i shall post you some answers to your posed questions.
soon




posted by: mblog (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (1:32 pm)

I can't tell you what you should believe either. That has to be up to you. But keep in mind that most people in the world are not Christian. Do you believe that God intentionally gave most people the wrong message and condemned them to hell for it?

There's nothing wrong with having Christian views. There's nothing wrong with applying the concepts to yourself if you truly believe that they are right. It's a problem when you try to apply them to others.

When others don't share your view or your religion, but they too are going by the word of God as was given to them, why should it be your duty to tell them that they are wrong? If God gave a different set of rules to different people, is it even possible that one of them is wrong and must be corrected by you? Or should yours be corrected by somebody else?

You already have the important part - a stong value system - down, and there's enough to go on right there.





posted by: mblog (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (1:47 pm)

Reply to: fotocali

The prohibition against homosexual conduct is not a strictly Christian one. It dates back to the Torah. But Christians have a different take on it.

Most Orthodox Jews consider homosexual acts wrong but not the orientation itself. Others would consider it acceptable if it's pathological. And there's no actual biblical prohibition for women. Reform Jews, on the other hand, don't generally get worked up over this.

The other difference is that it was Christianity that turned it into a "burn in hell for eternity" type sin. Society's concept of hell, a literal devil, and eternal damnation are all from Christianity. So the notion that homosexuality is wrong, society must stop it, and you go to hell for it is a Christian concept.




posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (2:17 pm)

Reply to: DarkMood
Whoa! You mentioned me in the same sentence as MLK and Gandhi. Dude, I am so not worthy! Thanks for your comment.



posted by: doralh (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (8:29 pm)

Hi! Remember me? I haven't been around for a while...my yellow submarine developed a leak. I'm not going to preach....I'll leave that to all the others who think that they have all the answers. Perhaps the road to contentment is called Tradition. If you could ask your father, what do you think he would say?

I really need to ask your advice about good Jamaica rum. The liquor stores where I live all seem to stock Jamaica rum that is blended with grotty domestic rum. Can you recommend a good brand that I could ask my local store to stock?

I have a blog someplace on t-blog, but I forget what its called. I haven't used it for months. Later lovely lady....BDS



posted by: hhunter (reply)
post date: 03.26.04 (11:37 pm)

Only by accepting that you'll never be content, will you be content.



posted by: Joolie (reply)
post date: 03.27.04 (10:50 am)






posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 03.27.04 (11:13 am)

Reply to: Joolie
Not sure what you were trying to say here but ok...may be this is your way of saying I need to take a moment of silence.



posted by: Joolie (reply)
post date: 03.30.04 (4:19 am)

Ooopsie - Sorry sweetie, obviously what i was going to say was so rubbish even tblog wouldn't print it! Joolie xxx

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