English as a Distant Language


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English as a Distant Language
02.19.05 (1:16 pm)   [edit]
For one summer a few years ago, I was an ESL (English as a Second Language) tutor. The work taught me great respect for people from all over the world with foreign tongues who are brave enough to learn English and speak it in front of Native English-speakers in the US, knowing fully that we might be laughing at them in our heads. Liar! Don't tell me you've never made fun of a foreignor's bad pronunciation or accent. Your nose is growing, again.

Except in places like France, I doubt that native English-speakers feel like they will be ridiculed in the same manner for not speaking the local language when they travel. For that reason, I have no intention of visiting France without a translator and at least 6 months of intensive study (tapes, tutoring, mentoring, a stint in Haiti - the works). It's scary trying to speak in a language with which you are not comfortable, even in front of friends. We as human beings want to be understood and to be taken seriously. The last thing we need is to be unintentionally funny when asking "Where is your toilet?"

I also find that Americans are not as patient as they could be with foreignors but the greatest threat to "American" English (as opposed to the Queen's English) does not come from immigrants or visitors. It comes from the lazy, annoying computer-savvy but almost illiterate 12 year-old instant messenger users across the country. Please make note - I am NOT saying every 12 year-old using instant messenger is lazy, annoying, computer-savvy or almost illiterate, but those who are such will bring about the Armageddon of the English Language - End of Days. Across the pond, a generation of similarly-afflicted 12 year-olds threaten to turn the Queen's English on it's backside.

To illustrate my point...

English:
Hi my name is Nat. I live with my brother in Texas. I love to watch TV and movies, listen to a variety of music, especially Alternative Rock and old-school Reggae and R&B. Currently, my favorite band is U2.

I am a decent cook. My favorite dishes to make include jerk pork with rice and peas, vegetable lasagne, curried chicken stir-fry, chicken parmesan with whole-wheat fettucine, chicken-foot in pumkin soup and my Mom's meatloaf.

I'm currently single but not actively looking for romance. I'm busy writing my dissertation in Political Economy and don't need the distraction. When I'm lovesick, whether happy or sad, I don't get much work done. Besides, the last thing I need is to be answerable to another person. I absolutely hate, HATE, being told what to do and I haven't met a man who hasn't tried to fix me in some way. I am not a fix-her-upper, but for Sparky on In A Fix, I could be one.


12 year-old AOLer Translation:
HI MAH NM3 IS NAT!!!!1111 WTF I LIEV WIT MAH BROTH3R IN T3XAS1!11!1! OMG I LOVE 2 WATCH TV AND MOVEIS LISTEN 2 A VAREITY OF MUSIC 3SPECIALY ALTERNATIEV ROK AND OLD-SKOOL R3GA3 AND R&B!1!1!1 WTF CURENTLY MAH FAVORIET BAND IS U21!!1 OMG WTF

IM A DECENT COK1!111!! MAH FAVORIET DISHES 2 MAEK INCLUDE JERK PORK WIT RIEC AND PAAS VAGETABL3 LASAGNE CUREID CHIKAN STIR-FRY CHIKAN PARMESAN WIT WHOLE-WH3AT F3TUCIEN CHIK3N-FOT IN PUMKIN SOUP AND MAH MOMS MAATLOAF!111 LOL

IMM CURANTLY SNGL3 BUT NOT ACTIEVLY LOKNG FOR ROMANC3!!!!!1 WTF IMM BUSY WRITNG MAH DISERTATION IN POLITICAL MAH AND DONT NED DA DISTRACTION11!!1!! OMG WHEN IMM LOVESIK WHATHAR HAPY OR SAD I DONT GET MUCH WORK DONE1!11! WTF LOL BSIEDS TEH LAST THNG I NED IS 2 B ANSWERABL3 2 ANOTHER PARSON!1!!1111 OMG WTF I ABSOLUTELY HAET HAET BNG 2LD WUT 2 DO AND I HAEVNT MET A MAN WHO HASNT TREID 2 FIX MA IN SOME WAY!!1!!!1 IM NOT A FIX-HER-UP3R BUT FOR SPARKY ON IN A FIX I CUD B ON3111111!! OMG WTF

I know what you're thinking. Who pissed in Nat's bowl of Cheerios this morning? No one of which I am aware. However, I am a member of several message boards and groups and the invasion of the LACSBAI-12-YO-IMU (lazy, annoying computer-savvy but almost illiterate 12 year-old instant messenger users) is threatening to do my head in.

A Johnny Depp fan once wrote:
I LOVE JONY D3P!11!!!1! HAS SO HOT1!1!11 OMG WTF I WANT 2 MARY HIM AND B TEH MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN11!1! WTF LOL HE WAS SO CUTE IN TAHT MOVEI11!11!! I THINK IMM IN LOV3!1!!1 LOL I CUD DEI RIGHT NOW!!!11 OMG LOL IF I AVAR MET HIM ID JUST DEI RIGHT THEYRE1!1! LOL HA SHUD DUMP VAENSA AND MARY ME B/C I LOV3 HIM MORE

She loves him so much, she can't spell his name correctly.
 


posted by: EvilEye (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (10:27 am)

Good point.



posted by: dustyjumpwings (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (10:30 am)

WOW WUT A GRAAT POST111!!!! LOL A GIRL AFT3R MAH OWN H3ART111!!1!!



posted by: Fairmoon (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (10:37 am)

good post. I try always to write in proper english, though my spelling screws me over sometimes.




posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (12:57 pm)

Reply to: dustyjumpwings
U DUNT NO WUT IMM SAYN!!!OMG LOL WTF!!!ITS TRU OMG WTF!!! NO1 SHUD EVA SPAEK LIEK DIS CUZ IT GIEVS U HAEDAKE!!!LOL WTF!!!



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:00 pm)

Reply to: Fairmoon

THX!!!11 OMG WTF?!!!11 SUMTIMES PEEPL DUNT UNDASTAN MAH!!!11 AH DUN NO Y!!!11 CAN U XPLANE IT 2 MAH?!!11 WTF LOL?!!!

Thank you for your comment. :)



posted by: Fairmoon (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:03 pm)

Reply to: dangerkitty
eh? can you translate. i don't know aol idiot speak



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:04 pm)

Reply to: EvilEye

OMG THX!!11 LOL!! IMM GLAD U GET MAH PINT!! SUM PEEPL DUN GET MAH. WTF!!??? DEY SAY I RGIHT BAD WEN IMM SAYN SUMTIN 2 SUM1 HOO NOS WUT I MAEN.

It's almost two painful to write like this and such an effort too. I don't get it. May be I am old. No. I know I'm old.

Thanks for your comment.



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:04 pm)

Reply to: Fairmoon
Neither do I. I had to use an online translator to do this.



posted by: Fairmoon (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:06 pm)

Reply to: dangerkitty
online translator? what's the url?



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (1:15 pm)

Reply to: Fairmoon
HAVE FUN!!

http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html



posted by: dustyjumpwings (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (3:16 pm)

Reply to: dangerkitty

NO, I DO KNOW WUT UR SAYNG!11!!1!1 OMG FANGIRLS TOK LIEK THIS AL TEH TIEM I HAET IT111!!1 I ALWAYS CALED IT 'GHETO-TYPE ', AWFUL1!1!!!1! LOL WTF



posted by: Fairmoon (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (3:50 pm)

Reply to: dangerkitty
thanks!



posted by: evilives (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (5:40 pm)

Coming from someone who values the english language, and frets everytime someone misuses or misspells a word, I totally agree.



posted by: BobbyJoe (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (9:58 am)

Gee, I wonder where the source of this frustration came from? I hear ya' sister. I h8 dat she-it 2.



posted by: Kelly (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (12:48 pm)

Aye, I agree, spelling like that in chats or message boards is irritating.



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (1:16 pm)

Reply to: BobbyJoe
I H8 IT 2!!!11 LOL WTF.



posted by: JT (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (3:06 pm)

See, you can write this and make it funny. If I had tried to do it, I'd just come off like an old bitch. I'm so glad somebody said it.

Shall we start an online university for the chat-type impaired?



posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (3:08 pm)

Reply to: JT
I'm not sure I want to take on that responsibility. I could see a job like that being extremely frustrating!



posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 02.21.05 (10:34 pm)

And this is the future of our country....I think we are in trouble.

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