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Career in Review
06.01.05 (4:09 pm)   [edit]
I have spent a lot of time and effort in the past writing honest and sometimes scathing reviews about the lives and careers of the famous and the infamous. I decided that it was about time that I devoted a blog to the career of a not-so-famous writer/director friend of mine. No, I am not speaking about Jon Wright. We're hardly friends. I am speaking about Daft & Demented's Mal G.

Mal G, started her career in the mid-70's with the universally loved sci-fi fantasy Crotch Wars. The film's success spawned two equally successful sequels, The Crotch Strikes Back and Return of the Crotch. The series told the story of Lube Crotchsniffer and the small but determined Rebel Crotch Alliance fighting against the evil Empire Crotch of Crab Lice that tries to spread itself across the galaxy of crotches in the universe. Mal G wrote, directed and starred in the film, playing Princess Labia, a leader of the Rebel Crotch Alliance.

A long time ago, in a crotch far far away...

After the gruelling process of writing, directing and starring in three blockbusters in 9 years, Mal G went into early retirement, claiming that she wanted to spend more time with then second husband, Harrison Chord (Indiana Bones: Raiders of the Lost Crotch) and their two small children.

A long time ago, we used to be friends...

Following her divorce from Chord in the mid-90's, Mal G poured herself back into work; writing and producing a string of hits including two James Boner films Octo-Crotchy and The Man Without A Crotch.

Tom Cruise: Crotchless

In The Man Without A Crotch, Tom Cruise, who Mal thought was perfectly cast, put in his greatest performance to date as a hollow, spineless, gutless, imbecilic, bloodless, emotionally bankrupt Hollywood golden boy who will do anything to hide his true sexual orientation, ruining lives in the process.

In 1997, following the success of Crotchfinger, her third and last James Boner film, Mal G struck gold again with Jurassic Crotch. Jurassic tells the true story of Guinness record holder Meso Horni, played by Sam Kneel, who spent his early life wheelchair bound and later life bedridden due to the enormous size of his crotch. Meso died in 1995, when he tried to operate on himself to remove his crotch. His death led to legislation that allowed procedures like Crotchectomy to be covered by Medicaid.

Bigger isn't always better

In 2001, Mal G made her first foray into television as a producer of the critically acclaimed 10-part miniseries Band of Crotches. Band told the story of 30 army seamtresses whose invention of the triple-reinforced guided underloop hemi-stitch kept paratrooper crotches secure and helped win the war.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Mal G ran into some legal trouble in 2002 after the premiere of her film Lord of the Crotches: The Fellowship of the Crotch based on the famous book by J.R.R. Towelking, when Stuart Cowsend sued her for unfair termination. Many will remember that on the first day of shooting Cowsend was fired and the role of Araporn was recast to veteran actor Wiggo Farkensom. The judge sided with Mal G, who argued that Cowsend was terminated for artistic differences and not because he had been a dick on set.

Peter Jackson is the Crotch King

In 2003, Mal G produced the huge hit Crotches of the Caribbean based on the Playboy ride of the same name. The film starred Johnny Deep (Ed's Wood, Who's Eating Gilda's Grape) and Orlando Blue (Lord of the Crotches).

Have I molested you before?

Daft & Demented is due out in select cities on December 2nd 2005 in time for Oscar consideration. The film stars Bo Bice as a struggling musician who is supported by his wife, played by Mali van Gratz (Revenge of the Crotch), and their two small boys. After being turned out of their home, the family is forced to live in their van and travel the entire country before Bice is discovered by a record mogul, played by Patrick de Prance (The Incredibles). Early buzz about the film is good, with both van Gratz and Bice putting in stellar performances.
 

posted by: dustyjumpwings (reply)
post date: 06.01.05 (2:51 pm)

Nat.....I....can't type. I'm laughing so hard I might implode.

~Mali van Gratz (LOVE THAT)


posted by: Josee (reply)
post date: 06.02.05 (1:56 pm)

Soooo crotchity!


posted by: BobbyJoe (reply)
post date: 06.10.05 (1:52 pm)

Dearheart, have you considered seeking some professional help?


posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 06.11.05 (6:55 am)

Reply to: BobbyJoe
No. Why would I want to rid myself of this form of insanity?

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