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You're Overweight!
01.07.04 (11:35 am)   [edit]
Said the woman at the airline check-in counter. Story of my life. She kindly handed me a box, some tape and said, "Lose 8.9 lbs and we're good."

"Ok." I mumbled under my breath that I wished it were that easy to shed pounds. Can you just imagine that? You step on the bathroom scale and hate what you see, so you grab a box and some tape and voila, you're 10lbs lighter. Anyway, I removed some stuff from my suitcase, taped up the box, scribbled my name and address on it and handed it to her.

When I looked behind me, there was this lady with 2 tiny pieces of luggage in the line tapping her feet and rolling her eyes. I wanted to yell at her, "It's the holiday's, bitch! My Mommy sent me loads of gifts and fruit cake! Have mercy."

After all that, I proceeded to the line to go through the security checkpoint which was two city blocks long. After sweating forever, thinking I might miss my flight while waiting in this slow moving line, I got to the metal detectors. I removed my shoes, jacket, belt and purse, plopped my stuff on the conveyer belt and stepped through.

BEEEEEEP. I said "Must be my underwire." The security staff was unimpressed. I proceeded to the little area where they scan you. I spread my arms and legs, was scanned, then patted down. Then the lady attending me said, "I'm going to touch you gently around the breast area."

"Ok." I said, speechless. She did her thing and nodded that it was indeed my underwire bra that set things off. I proceeded to collect my things, only to be told by another attendant that they wanted to rescan my carry-on. "Ok." I said, getting annoyed. Finally, I got my things, dressed and headed to my terminal.

"Bloody hell!" I said when I realized that my gate was at the far end of the building. I walked briskly, huffing and puffing. When I got to the gate they were boarding.

"We are now boarding Group 1 passengers, first class and people with small children." I looked at my boarding pass.

"Bloody hell." I was in Group 5. After whining for 15 minutes that I couldn't catch a break if someone took a baseball bat to my leg, they called my group and I boarded. When I got to my seat, I tried to put my carry-on in the overhead compartment only to read that my particular bin was reserved for security equipment and no luggage allowed. I looked around and all the bins close to me were stuffed.

I waved frantically at the flight attendant standing a few seats away. She seemed to be busy examining a chipped fingernail. Finally she saw me and just stared at me, then she smiled and waved back, "Happy New Year." Then she turned her back to me and headed to the rear of the plane. I stood there forever, I let people pass me and finally was assisted by another flight attendant who put my stuff near the back of the plane.

I took my seat, buckled up and took out a book to read. The person sitting next to me wasn't having any of it. Everytime I got into a good paragraph, he would interrupt me to ask what I thought about the weather in Houston, the freaking Dallas Cowboys, what I thought about the mars rover landings, Saddam Hussein, Howard Dean, Britney Spears's wedding, Gwynneth's pregnancy and the Dalai Lama. To the last, I responded, "Do I look like Richard Gere?"

"Not really. Are you related?"

After that, I pretended to fall asleep and he finally shut up and took a nap as well. The rest of the flight was uneventful, mercifully, and I was glad when I finally got home and smelled my apartment. Apparently I forgot to take out the garbage. Oh well. I lit a candle, poured myself a glass of rum and went to bed.
 

posted by: gfak40 (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (8:47 am)

Hey! What's the meaning of this!!! How dare you write funny, amusing, and intolerably witty posts...that's MY job!! Don't make me hurt you.

PS: Welcome back.


posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (8:58 am)

Hi Nat! Ugh. You have me laughing but also dreading my next flight. Oh how I hate to fly.


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (9:09 am)

Reply to: gfak40
So, sorry, will return to being a boring sod momentarily.


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (9:10 am)

Reply to: lynne
Hiya Lynne! I find as I get older, I am less patient with people and things.


posted by: crapXpix (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (9:16 am)

patient's is virtual :~}


posted by: Joolie (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (9:43 am)

Yay!!! My girlfriends back and theres gonna be trouble Where are you?? We've got about a months worth of gossip to catch up on!!!



posted by: Andaloo (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (9:44 am)

That "carry on in a back locker" thing is fine till you get to your destination...then you're all alone fighting the flow of frantic people anxious to be x-rayed again.


posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (10:12 am)

Welcome back, Nat! What an ordeal!!


posted by: Bondageslut (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (10:43 am)

I think i know the best part of your flight. when you walkes in your home. am I right? smile


posted by: ImNotCrazySocietyIs (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (11:07 am)

I would be so pissed, and I like the hola girls BTW


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (11:59 am)

Reply to: rosietulips
Thanks, Rosie. There's no place like home.


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (12:00 pm)

Reply to: Bondageslut
Most definitely


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (12:01 pm)

Reply to: ImNotCrazySocietyIs
I was pissed but I buried it deep down. Someday I am going to explode and people won't understand why.


posted by: SusanofPudlin (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (12:49 pm)

You were missed.


posted by: dangerkitty (reply)
post date: 01.07.04 (12:54 pm)

Reply to: SusanofPudlin
I missed you too. Wish I could have stopped by on my trip. But alas, no dinero!


posted by: ImNotCrazySocietyIs (reply)
post date: 01.08.04 (5:45 am)

Reply to: dangerkitty
you should always let anger out in small healthy doses


posted by: NightGoddess (reply)
post date: 01.08.04 (4:15 pm)

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